DANNY CHESS

So much was new with Danny.

He was the youngest by 4 years; thinking our family was complete when Emily was born, but my brother Dan’s murder by a drunk driver made us resolve to have another son in tribute.

Odd – I knew what each of our children would be, so ‘knew’ Danny would be a boy. It had become a running joke, the doctor delivering Katharine holding her part way out, “Still think she’s a girl?”

But Danny’s arrival led to a lot of new stuff:

He was the first one with a birthing room, no need to leave the labor room and head to delivery – voila!

We had to reinstitute childcare measures, having disposed of all the baby stuff.

And he was like a first child, we having thought we were done.

An odd thing about parenting – and grandparenting – the first and last have special significance.

Don’t read that wrong, all children are special, but birth order is a thing that plays in your head.

So, in a way we had 2 youngest children, thinking Emily was 5^th and last.

And in the 2 years after Danny’s death, I’ve spent time reflecting for signs of childhood mental health issues and haven’t really called any up.

He was a seemingly happy, normal kid. Much loved – not just by his parents, but by his siblings as well.

But our relationship different from the other 5, due to the 4-year gap.

His brothers did most everything together, including hours of baseball on our front lawn.

Much of his baseball instruction left to me, realizing he couldn’t catch a fly at age 7, which was quickly rectified.

And I coached his Catholic Metro League basketball teams for multiple seasons, a rec league composed of Catholic school teams.

Sports became a major part of our relationship, the Braves, GA football, and Georgetown basketball the major fan points.

We went to a lot of Braves playoff games over the years, an annual trip to DC for a Georgetown game, with the Big East tournament the crown stone.

He later became a Harry Potter addict – I began reading to him at age 6, he finished on his own – loved roller coasters. The Hulk at Universal our favorite. And we played a lot of Stratego.

But all stuff we shared due to his youngest status.

He and Emily becoming a 2-child family for a bit, they the only ones at home for a couple of  years.

He went to the same grade school as the other kids, but attended Blessed Trinity, a private Catholic high school 45 minutes away, because his friends were going there.

Maybe private schools are more ‘drug heavy’, but I believe drugs are everywhere; He got caught with pot a couple of times, which we were probably under-concerned about – Kids today! – leading to a couple of groundings.

But we didn’t see, didn’t know, the opioids he apparently began to take while there.

Addiction leading to his lie about transferring to GA State and needing his tuition in cash – stupidest thing I’ve ever agreed to – successful rehab, for a little while, and ultimately, his death by suicide. All encased in his mental health struggles, making one wonder, which came first?

Leading to the past 2 years, and feeling a bomb had gone off in the family.

In hindsight, I guess it has to be endured to be believed…

My mother’s death really sad, she only 64.

My brother’s death so much worse, he 6 weeks from marriage and on the cusp of his entire life. But my family consoling and diverting me through grief.

The grief for Danny ‘handled’ by concern for his siblings and their recovery; so lucky to have My Captor, a mutual consoler.

And getting up every day and walking forward.

Because it hit me at some point: The only path forward is forward.

Maybe I haven’t resolved all the issues related to his death – and given my history, probably won’t – but committed to the idea that life goes on.

Living it our best way our tribute to Danny.

Continuing keening at my keyboard, writing my way of dealing with grief.

Looking back, my only tears, while sitting here typing.

But looking forward to tomorrow’s sunrise…

This post a Beers departure, a 2^nd post, in excess of 600 words, written over the past hour.

As I’ve told My Captor, I hope people like the posts, but don’t really care – these are for me. And Danny…