You’re hired! I QUIT!

I quit my job today.

Actually, I quit my jobs today.

I kept reading about the “Great Resignation” and decided I wanted in on that.

I was eager to start work and resign, because apparently after resigning, one discovers some sort of spiritual peace and an understanding of their true selves.

Or that could be pot brownies.

The first obstacle for someone who is retired and wants to resign is to find a job.

That was easy.

I went to a job site, and soon had hundreds of possible opportunities. I also received car warranty offers, ‘Gift items of the Month’, and the chance to meet ‘lonely matures’ in my area. Those women seemed friendly, but I have My Captor to keep me warm…

After joining the ‘Pot Brownie of the Month Club’, my job hunt began. 

I narrowed the search to a few fields. But first, I sent rejection letters to the companies I was uninterested in. Ironically, most of them had sent me rejection letters when I was looking for work after College.

I started with college football. Coaches make a lot of money, but I always hated the idea of begging the local car dealer to pay off potential recruits, never liked working on Saturdays, and college coeds still make me feel inadequate.

But I learned that because players can now be paid legally, illegal recruiting has become “Marketing Representation”. But the joke is on the players, because that illegal cash is now taxable income. With games played every day of the week, most Saturdays are off.  And college coaches and coeds now have ‘special relationships’, but I have My Captor to keep me warm… so I moved on.

How about “Governmental Economic Statistician”? I was always good with numbers, have flown economy, and am clearly unqualified, which is a key fit for any Government job. But I was confused that the unemployment rate keeps declining when everyone is resigning, government programs are actually free, and I’d have to take my shoes off to calculate the inflation rate, so I moved on.

Crypto currency salesman?  I felt ‘uniquely qualified’: I’m familiar with on-line banking, was a white collar manager who produced no tangible output, and being mildly spiritual, believe in things I can’t see and which might not exist. But preferring to get paid with real money, I moved on.

I completed hundreds of applications. After multiple Zoom interviews, I received multiple offers.  I sensed employer desperation, however, as I was on mute for at least 5 of the interviews and was still offered.

I really knew they were desperate when after I was able to ‘fog a mirror’, the bidding war began. I ultimately received crypto currency (a gabillion units), a Federal Holiday in my honor, and 350 acres in North Dakota.

Through a docu-sign error, I accepted 7 jobs, all working remotely.

But I quickly discovered that with the camera at the right angle, I could simultaneously attend meetings for all 7! And if I threatened to resign, my manager would give me additional paternity leave, paid child care, even children.

And business jargon works across multiple industries.

My typical meeting contribution was: “To achieve synergy, we need to optimally harmonize our strategic assets, and level-set our low-hanging fruit to achieve 110% of whatever it is we’re after. And I now renounce my Pale White Irish Privilege, and give up whiskey for Lent”!

I resigned from all 7 jobs via Zoom, and my going away party(s) was a virtual blast. I then took the 5 weeks of vacation each company had given me as a ‘signing bonus’. I have kept in touch with many of my former associates, but still haven’t seen the lower half of their bodies.

Did I discover inner peace? A true understanding of my inner self?

Not so much. But I was reminded that work ain’t all that much fun, and have re-embraced retirement.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a quick nap.

For 84 more posts like this –all of which are resigned to their fate – go to beersatthenifty.com

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Career Opportunities   The Clash

They offered me the office, offered me the shop
They said I’d better take anything they got
Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?

Career opportunities, the ones that never knock
Every job they offer you is to keep you out the dock
Career opportunity, the ones that never knock

I hate the army and I hate the R.A.F., I don’t wanna go fighting in the tropical heat
I hate the civil service rules, I won’t open a letter bomb for you

Bus driver, ambulance man
Ticket inspector, I don’t understand

They’re gonna have to introduce conscription
They’re gonna have to take away my prescription
If they wanna get me making toys
If they wanna get me, well, I got no choice

Career opportunities, the ones that never knock
Every job they offer you is to keep you out the dock
Career opportunity, the ones that never knock

Career, career, career
And I’m never gonna knock

Bang the Drum All Day   Todd Rundgren

I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day
I don’t want to play,I just want to bang on the drum all day

Ever since I was a tiny boy, I don’t want no candy
I don’t need no toy, I took a stick and an old coffee can
I bang on that thing ’til I got blisters on my hand because

I don’t want to work
I want to bang on the drum all day (yes I do)
I don’t want to play
I just want to bang on the drum all day (that’s right)

When I get older they think I’m a fool, The teacher told me I should stay after school
She caught me pounding on the desk with my hands,But my licks was so hot
I made the teacher want to dance, And that’s why

I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day (hey, why not?)
I don’t want to play, I just want to bang on the drum all day (I just wanna bang now)

Every day when I get home from work, I feel so frustrated
The boss is a jerk, And I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because

I don’t want to work
I want to bang on the drum all day (bang, bang)
I don’t want to play
I just want to bang on the drum all day (I could bang that drum)

Cleaning Windows   Van Morrison

Oh, the smell of the bakery from across the street
Got in my nose
As we carried our ladders down the street, With the wrought-iron gate rows
I went home and listened to Jimmie Rodgers, In my lunch-break
Bought five Woodbines at the shop on the corner, And went straight back to work

Oh, Sam was up on top, And I was on the bottom with the V
We went for lemonade and Paris buns, At the shop and broke for tea
I collected from the lady and I cleaned the fanlight, Inside-out
I was blowing saxophone on the weekend. In that down joint

What’s my line?
I’m happy cleaning windows
Take my time, I’ll see you when my love grows
Baby don’t let it slide, I’m a working man in my prime
Cleanin’ windows, (number thirty-six)

I heard Leadbelly and Blind Lemon, On the street where I was born, yeah
Sonny Terry, Brownie McGhee and Muddy Waters singin’
“I’m A Rolling Stone”
I went home, And read my Christmas Humphreys’ book on Zen
Curiosity killed the cat
Kerouac’s “Dharma Bums” and “On The Road”

What’s my line?, I’m happy cleaning windows, hey
Take my time, I’ll see you when my love grows
Baby, don’t let it slide, I’m a working man in my prime
Cleanin’ windows, Alright, cleanin’
What’d you say number, Number a-hundred and twenty-six
Alright, we’ll be right tomorrow

Cumberland Blues  Grateful Dead

I can’t stay here much longer, Melinda
The sun is getting high
I can’t help you with your troubles, If you won’t help with mine
I gotta get down, I gotta get down
Gotta get down to the mine

You keep me up just one more night, I can’t stop here no more
Little Ben clock says quarter to eight, You kept me up till four
I gotta get down, I gotta get down
Or I can’t work there no more

Lotta poor man make a five dollar bill, Will keep him happy all the time
Some other fellow’s making nothing at all, And you can hear him cry

Can I go, buddy, can I go down, Take your shift at the mine
Gotta get down to the Cumberland mine
That’s where I mainly spend my time

Make good money, five dollars a day, If I made any more I might move away

Lotta poor man got the Cumberland Blues, He can’t win for losing
Lotta poor man got to walk the line, Just to pay his union dues

I don’t know now, I just don’t know
If I’m coming back again

Keep Working Little Blue Nitwits   Papa Smurf

On Brainy and Brawny and Grouchy and Clumsy,

On Hefty and Handy and Crazy and Goofy,

Gargamel is making us produce Smurf collectibles.

The deadline is tomorrow, So timing is tight.

To get this done we could be here all night!

Keep working you little blue nitwits

Bright Future In Sales  Fountains of Wayne

Sleeping on a planter at the Port Authority, waiting for my bus to come
seven scotch and sodas at the party, now i don’t remember where i’m from

i think i had a black wallet, in my back pocket
with a bus ticket, and a picture of my baby inside
and if i make it home alive, i’m gonna get my shit together
cause i can’t live like this forever
you know i’ve come too far, and i don’t wanna fail
i’ve got a new computer, and a bright future in sales
yeah, yeah

Heading for the airport on a misty morning, gonna catch a flight to Baltimore
trying to kill an hour with the whisky sour, if theres time i might have just one more

i gotta do some quick reading, for the big meeting
but my head is spinning, and i can’t quite open my eyes
as long as i don’t have to drive

i had a line on a brand new account, but now i can’t seem to find where i wrote that number down
i tried to focus i’m staring at the screen,

pretending like i know what all these little flashing lights mean

i’m gonna get my shit together, cause i can’t live like this forever
i’ve come to far, and i don’t wanna fail
i’ve got a new computer, and a bright future in sales
yeah, yeah
a bright future in sales