WIDE RIGHT!

Like a visit from those cousins you’re not fond of, we dreaded Ian’s arrival.  

Fortunately, Ian missed us, wide right.

But after a week’s worth of buildup hysteria – It only takes one! – I can stop hiding under my desk and face the world.

The week had a familiar pre-Hurricane theme: Meteorologists rule the world! Chicks dig meteorologists!

We were out near a group of meteorologists and overheard:

Hey baby – you’re raising my dew point! Wanna feel my storm surge?

A little heat lightning never hurt anybody – if I said you had a nice isobar, would you hold it against me?

I see you and me in my green screen…

Odd weather we’re having –I just received a red flag warning. Poor guy went home alone.

And tryouts were announced for the new season of “The Real Meteorologists of Jacksonville”.

For the week, the Meteorology Facebook page replaced “Tribute to Doppler Radar” with “Advances in forecasting: Why no one knows where Ian is headed”.

Of course, during the storm there were multiple live reports, featuring doofusses standing in the pouring rain; a simple “It’s raining like crazy outside” would have sufficed…

There were typical runs on the Winn-Dixie, with empty shelves of water, bread and milk.

The run on milk was the result of another on-the-mark CDC guidance: ‘It is critical to maintain your calcium levels during a hurricane’. 

And the Dr. Fauci hurricane candles sold out as well.

A plus of an impending hurricane is hearing from people you haven’t heard from  – including a professor to whom I still owe a paper and a librarian wondering when I’d return ‘The Sun Also Rises.’.

Callers’ advice to “stay safe” helped; I was planning to stand out in the rain with the Doofusses until then.

We were careful to tie things down that could be blown away, but left the unsold items from our recent yard sale out front; I’m guessing they’re in South Carolina by now.

But it had to happen eventually: Even hurricanes have become a political football.

With the election 6 weeks away, everyone linked their opponents to Ian, scoring political points:

We need to secure our border – who let Ian in?

My opponent is a blowhard like Ian – MAGA extremist!

And news people asking the ‘man on the street’: “How has Ron DeSantis failed you today?”

There were ‘modern’ attempts to stop Ian:

Meteorologists refused to use his preferred pronouns;

Protesters strapped themselves to flag poles; Unfortunately, they were blown to South Carolina, where they are picking through our yard sale items.

And this being a family post, I can’t tell you what the sign-language interpreter signed about Ian during the press conferences.

Ian’s landfall in South Carolina was inevitable: Who among us doesn’t love a trip to visit Pedro at South of the Border?

“Ian, don’t be a louse, spare Pedro’s house”, “Category one, two, three means squat to me, Great gas and food, come and see”, “ Isobar, Doppler Radar, Stop in and Pedro will help you go far”.

I heard a Doofus in the Rain speculate that Ian might linger at SOTB, flooding the Carolinas.

But even Ian can’t handle cultural appropriation, so he moved on.

Given the scenes of devastation from Florida, we know we are incredibly lucky.

But we shouldn’t need a reminder.

As Pedro says, a billboard at a time:

“A lucky one is the one to be, But we’re all lucky, don’t you see?”

“Life can be tough, We feel we’ve had enough”

“But each day with feet on the floor, Is one day more”

“To discover all life brings, To be grateful is the thing”.

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Couldn’t Stand the Weather Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble

Runnin’ through this business of life
Raisin’ sand if I’m needed to
Ain’t so funny when things ain’t feelin’ right
Then daddy’s hand helps to see me through
Sweet as sugar, love won’t wash away
Rain or shine, it’s always here to stay
All these years you and I spent together
All these winters, couldn’t stand the weather

Like a train that stops at every station,
We all deal with trials and tribulations
Fear hangs the fellow that ties up his years
Entangled in yellow and cries all his tears
Changes come before we can go
Learn to see them before we’re too old
Don’t just take me for tryin’ to be heavy
Understand, it’s time to get ready for the storm

How high’s the water, mama?  Johnny Cash

Two feet high and risin’
How high’s the water, papa?
She said it’s two feet high and risin’

We can make it to the
road in a homemade boat
That’s the only thing we got left that’ll float
It’s already over all
the wheat and oats,
Two feet high and risin’

How high’s the water, mama?

Three feet high and risin’
How high’s the water, papa?
She said it’s three feet high and risin’

Well, the hives are gone,
I lost my bees
The chickens are sleepin’ In the willow trees
Cow’s in water up past her knees, Three feet high and risin’

How high’s the water, mama?
Four feet high and risin’
How high’s the water, papa?
She said it’s four feet high and risin’
Hey, come look through the window pane
The bus is goin’, gonna take us to the train
Looks like we’ll be blessed with a little more rain,
Four feet high and risin’
How high’s the water, mama?
Five feet high and risin’
How high’s the water, papa?
She said it’s five feet high and risin’
Well the rails are washed out north of town
We gotta head for higher ground
We can’t come back till the water goes down,
Well, it’s five feet high and risin’

Feels Like Rain  Buddy Guy

Down here the river
Meets the sea
And in the sticky heat I feel ya’
Open up to me
Love comes out of nowhere baby, just like a hurricane
And it feels like rain

Lying here
Underneath the stars
Right next to you
And I’m wondering who you are
And how do you do?
How do you do, baby?
The clouds roll in
Across the moon
And the wind howls out your name
And it feels like rain

We never Going to make that bridge tonight, baby
Across lake Ponchartrain
And it feels like rain

So batten down the hatch, baby
And leave your heart up your sleeve
It looks like we’re in for stormy weather
That ain’t no cause for us to leave
Just lay here
In my arms
Let it wash away the pain
And it feels like rain

Louisiana 1927  Randy Newman

What Has Happened Down Here Is The Wind Have Changed
Clouds Roll In From The North And It Started To Rain
Rained Real Hard And Rained For A Real Long Time
Six Feet Of Water In The Streets Of Evangeline
The River Rose All Day
The River Rose All Night
Some People Got Lost In The Flood
Some People Got Away Alright
The River Have Busted Through Clear Down To Plaquemines
Six Feet Of Water In The Streets Of Evangelne

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re Tyrin’ To Wash Us Away
They’re Tryin’ To Wash Us Away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re Tryin’ To Wash Us Away
They’re Tryin’ To Wash Us Away
President Coolidge Came Down In A Railroad Train
With A Little Fat Man With A Note-Pad In His Hand
The President Say, “Little Fat Man Isn’t It A Shame What The River Has
Done
To This Poor Crackers Land.”

High Water Everywhere (for Charley Patton)  Bob Dylan

High water risin’, risin’ night and day
All the gold and silver are being stolen away
Big Joe Turner lookin’ East and West
From the dark room of his mind
He made it to Kansas City
Twelfth Street and Vine
Nothing standing there
High water everywhere

High water risin’, the shacks are slidin’ down
Folks lose their possessions and folks are leaving town
Bertha Mason shook, it broke it
Then she hung it on a wall
Says, “You’re dancin’ with whom they tell you to
Or you don’t dance at all”
It’s tough out there
High water everywhere

I got a cravin’ love for blazing speed got a hopped up Mustang Ford
Jump into the wagon, love, throw your panties overboard
I can write you poems, make a strong man lose his mind
I’m no pig without a wig
I hope you treat me kind
Things are breakin’ up out there
High water everywhere

High water risin’, six inches ‘bove my head
Coffins droppin’ in the street
Like balloons made out of lead
Water pourin’ into Vicksburg, don’t know what I’m going to do
“Don’t reach out for me, ” she said
“Can’t you see I’m drownin’ too?”
It’s rough out there
High water everywhere

Well, George Lewis told the Englishman, the Italian and the Jew
“You can’t open your mind, boys
To every conceivable point of view”
They got Charles Darwin trapped out there on Highway Five
Judge says to the High Sheriff
“I want him dead or alive
Either one, I don’t care”
High Water everywhere

Well, the cuckoo is a pretty bird, she warbles as she flies
I’m preachin’ the word of God
I’m puttin’ out your eyes
I asked Fat Nancy for something to eat, she said, “Take it off the shelf
As great as you are a man,
You’ll never be greater than yourself”
I told her I didn’t really care
High water everywhere

I’m getting’ up in the morning I believe I’ll dust my broom
Keeping away from the women
I’m givin’ ’em lots of room
Thunder rolling over Clarksdale, everything is looking blue
I just can’t be happy, love
Unless you’re happy too
It’s bad out there
High water everywhere