WHAT’S UP DOC?

Doc, give me some advice I can follow!

My Captor and I had our annual physicals recently – for ‘old people’, doctor visits can be a key part of a vibrant social calendar, combined with Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy hour.

Along with my recent bacterial infection – is there any other kind?  – with a name I couldn’t pronounce, but sounding like the Czech bride my Cousin Eddie ordered, or a Chinese province, we’ve edged Medicare closer to insolvency.

Unfortunately, the physical was rescheduled to the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, which contradicted some basic life advice:

Never check your weight after the Thanksgiving holiday, until at least April. Fortunately, my physical weigh-in went fine – if my shoes weighed 30 pounds.

When job hunting, never schedule an interview the morning after a Grateful Dead concert – a grad school mistake. Asked “Do you have any questions?”, I replied “No, not really” – though desperately wanting to ask the meaning of life. On the plus side, the interview only lasted 8 minutes, so I was able to resume aimlessly staring into space.  

Turn your sprinklers off when it’s raining, or the related: Rake your leaves into your neighbor’s yard before their yard guy comes.  

We like our ‘medical provider’ – she’s both pleasant and capable – her website said she’s expert in the Operation game, and her PetSmart diploma had several Latin words, a reassuring sign.

But the  visit made me ponder ‘nameology’: What to call the doctor?

We traditionally call Doctors Doctor, but why? I don’t call my CPA CPA, the store clerk store clerk, or My Wife Wife – I call her My Captor, Sir.

And former coaches and politicians on television are called ‘Coach’ and Senator’ years after their jobs, so my friends now call me Middle Manager.

Our provider is a nurse practitioner, which is cumbersome to call someone – even Dale Carnegie couldn’t pull it off (kids, ask your parents).

So I mumbled something unintelligible – a lifelong default position.

But an annual physical can be mildly nerve wracking.

We had blood tests, which required fasting – a physical during Lent offering the opportunity for ‘fasting’ to replace sacrifices like ‘helping people’.

But in today’s world, any bad results can be rejected as ‘fake news’.  

She ordered an EKG, measuring heart strength, a big advance from the doctor checking by sneaking up and yelling Hey!

The test went well – I’m looking forward to hitting the beach with weird gaps in my chest hair…   

I do feel sorry for doctors, who no longer have to ask just “Have you fallen lately”, but questions about:

Dark Thoughts/Depression – Feeling sad? Like shooting up a doctor’s office? What’s that dent on the top of your head?

Lack of appetite, signs of bulimia – which for me she skipped, giving me dark thoughts;

Where were you on January 6^th – Have you been in Nancy Pelosi’s office?

Fortunately, everything checked out, blood tests were good – with the exception of ‘being down a quart’ – or 2^nd opinion? You’re ugly too! Wonder if she’d heard those before?

The Nurse Practitioner didn’t offer much advice, knowing I’d just do the opposite, but she gingerly addressed the issue of ‘weight management’: “Your weight is fine – it’s your height that’s an issue”.

She did share a ‘Medical Secret’: Every health issue, good or bad, is related to hydration, too much or too little – particularly drowning, which is the ultimate overhydration.

But ultimately, I was reminded the difference between doctors and wives:

Doctors conduct tests to determine the cause of my issues, My Captor assumes the cause is something that gives me pleasure and needs to be given up…

For 202 more posts like this –each with a wish for continuing good health – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

As long as we’re getting medical, how about Dr. John (1941-2019), as a face of New Orleans blues and rock. His ‘Right Place, Wrong Time’ a big hit you’ll likely recall. We saw him opening for BB King, and a true delight.

But much more to Big Easy music – Professor Longhair, Mahalia Jackson, Trombone Shorty, Dirty Dozen Brass Band, The Neville Brothers, The Marsalis Brothers, Buckwheat Zydeco, Louis Armstrong, Fats Domino, et al  – essential and amazing contributions to American Blues and Roots Music.

But today, check out Allen Toussaint, an amazing songwriter and pianist. Huge catalog, including an album with Elvis Costello – the album was the first recorded in NO post-Katrina – but ‘What Do You Want the girl to do?” from Southern Nights – a delightful CD – covered widely, from Boz Scaggs, Vince Gill, Bonnie Raitt to Lowell George.