WHAT’D YOU SAY?

My Captor keeps telling me I’m going deaf, but I won’t hear of it.

She may be right – most of my organs and bodily functions ain’t what they used to be – but I think it’s because people mumble.

Or maybe because My Captor starts most of our conversations when I’m in the other room. Or at the Winn-Dixie.

And while I would never admit this – and don’t really need it -closed captioning is the greatest invention of this century.

It helps deal with one of the 3 signs of aging: That ‘old people’ house smell, the heat turned up to 87 degrees, and the TV at volume level 53. And excessive macraméd items around the house. So one of the 4 signs.

CC allows one to know what’s being said on TV, no matter the volume level, which also can head off some angry calls from the neighbors to “turn it down!”

One tip for a better life: Turn on CC during televised sporting events, mute the sound, and listen to music while you watch. In the off chance the announcer – whose sole qualification to cover sports is serving as the bartender on Bachelor in Paradise – says something you didn’t know, it will be displayed by CC.

Needless to say, CC has made my life better in every way. Or I thought it had…

We couldn’t afford a smart TV, so we bought one of the new remedial models. And I fear there are some bugs in their closed captioning system.

We were watching Gone With the Wind (formal apology to follow on social media) with CC on, but the South won, and Rhett declared that “I really do care” at the end.

There must be a ‘subliminal version’, because I immediately ordered multiple items from Amazon during a re-run of Hogan’s Heroes.

But I loved the “Reinforcing View” version, which changed the sports news to whatever I wanted: Braves win 74 in a row! and the morning news to remove conflict: Democrats and Republicans work together to save cat stuck in a tree!

And I believe My Captor likes the “Reinforcing” approach – our morning paper now has multiple articles cut out, and all the news is good! The Golden Ray has been repurposed to a boutique hotel!

There are foreign language options, but they seem fishy… During an episode of American Idol, all the songs were a tribute to Vladimir Putin; An episode of The Honeymooners featured Chairman Mao as Ralph Kramden: “To the forced labor camp, Alice!”; And is there really a show called “Venezuela’s got talent?”

This could all change when the government begins their own censorship efforts – I’m sure a recent episode of the 3 Stooges featuring Trump, Biden and Moe had to get someone’s attention…

But beyond TV, there are other ways CC will make our lives better:

Imagine a conversation in a loud bar or restaurant, where you can read what the other people are saying.

The translator version, providing text of what the other person really means, and not “Gee Jim, this week’s post was great”! 

The popular music version, allowing one to sing along with the correct lyrics, and not (apologies to John and Paul):                                                                                                                                                                   

“I’m at the Wal*Mart, I need some eggs man, See the man with the price gun, I’m buying…                       Got a box of corn flakes, Cocoa Puffs too, Cocoa Puffs too,                                                                            Don’t you think the cashier laughs at you,                                                                                                              See how they scan, how items fly, I’m buying…                                                                                                      Oh man, my book clubs picking Edgar Allen Poe,                                                                                                         I need some eggs man, They need some eggs man, I’m at the Wal*Mart, And I’m buying…”

But I’m now being fitted for a ‘hearing helmet’, which will allow me to not only hear what’s going on, and look stylish at the same time – it also has a gentle spritzing action to counteract “old person house smell”. And it will make me feel safer on my new 3 wheel bike.

Even better, it will be free from Medicare, along with new dentures, shoe lifts, and the latest AARP jitterbug phone.

But lately, my Captor has been telling me I can’t really see. To be safe, I’m signing up to learn Braille.

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

I am the Walrus  The Beatles

“I am the walrus, I am the egg man
I am the walrus, Goo goo g’joob

See how they run like pigs from a gun, See how they fly
I’m crying

Sitting on a corn flake, Waiting for the van to come
Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday, Man you’ve been a naughty boy
You let your face grow long                                                                                                                     I am he as you are he as you are me, And we are all together

Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe

Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper (jooba, jooba)
Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper
Everybody’s got one (umpa, umpa)

Lonesome Day Blues  Bob Dylan

“Well, today has been a sad and lonesome day
I’m just sitting here thinking with my mind a million miles away

Funny, the things you have the hardest time parting with are the things you need the least

I’m forty miles from the mill, I’m dropping it into overdrive
Set my dial on the radio I wish my mother was still alive

Last night the wind was whispering something, I was trying to make out what it was
Yeah I tell myself something’s coming, but it never does

You’re gonna need my help sweetheart, you can’t make love all by yourself”

Loves not a competition  Kaiser Chiefs

“I won’t be the one to disappoint you anymore
And I know I’ve said all this and that you’ve heard it all before
The trick is getting you to think that all this was your idea
And that this was everything you’ve ever wanted out of here

… Love’s not a competition but I’m winning, At least I thought I was”

Lime Tree  Bright Eyes

I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes
Since the operation I heard you’re breathing just for one
Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love
You left another message, said it’s done, It’s done

When I hear beautiful music it’s always from another time
Old friends I never visit, I remember what they’re like
Standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies
Waiting to be asked to come inside, Just come inside

Don’t be so amazing or I’ll miss you too much
I felt something that I had never touched
Everything gets smaller now the further that I go
Towards the mouth and the reunion of the known and the unknown
Consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home
You can move mountains with your misery if you don’t
If you don’t

It comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two
Under the eaves of that old lime tree I stood examining the fruit
Some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt naseous with the truth
There will never be a time more opportune

So I just won’t be late
The window closes, shocks roll over in a tidal wave
And all the color drains out of the frame
So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
I took off my shoes and walked into the woods
I felt lost and found with every step I took