Reprinted with permission from Popular Mechanics July, 1973
“Tribute to Household Appliances” The Swimsuit Issue
“Oh ceiling fan, oh ceiling fan
How I love your cooling breezes,
Ice maker, Ice maker,
Chilling cubes and tasty freezes,
Vacuum cleaner, Vacuum cleaner,
Help me fight my allergies and sneezes,
Clapper, Clap On, Clapper, Clap Off,
Lay in bed, Light off! Really pleases my kneeses,
Blender, Oh Blender,
Make me the drinks that bring me closer to Jesus”
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I woke last night, gasping for breath, in a pool of sweat.
Was I suffering a heart attack? In the middle of a home invasion? Having my recurring ‘drowning in gravy’ dream?
No, someone had turned off our ceiling fan.
We take appliances for granted, but without A/C and ceiling fans, everyone would still live in Michigan. Or Saskatchewan.
But the majority of the love, and credit for the growth of the South, goes to A/C, while the ceiling fan just keeps endlessly spinning – and cooling – in relative anonymity, without its proper recognition.
Maybe we need a “National Ceiling Fan Day” as a tribute for its quiet reliability. Do you have “ceiling fan wars” with your spouse? Yet ‘A/C wars’: She wants 68, he wants 84 – go on in every home, and in the happiest of relationships. But everyone can agree on the setting for their ceiling fans. Though a friend did realize his relationship was in trouble when he was lying in bed and all he could think about was how the ceiling fan needed cleaning…
And A/C can be a bit of a prima donna, requiring an annual in-home checkup – this BTU hog stays put – and fancy new filters once a quarter. And who dreads getting their ceiling fan bill during the summer?
And if we don’t appreciate our cooling friends enough, do we really give our household appliances their adequate due?
Household appliance innovation has been a boon to gift giving on Mother’s Day: From the days when Ma would excitedly open her new butter churn –Oh Pa, how did you know! – to my Father giving my Mother a new 8 (8!) slice toaster, the Catholic model – to the year I gave my Captor a sleek new vacuum! Note to self: Don’t ever try that again!
How did we live before the air fryer produced its crispy fried hot dogs and toasted buns?
Or before my Sonos speaker, allowing me to listen to music throughout the day. As I enjoy the tunes, I think of my nephew’s ‘life advice’: “I feel sorry for people who don’t listen to music – they are leading a sub-optimal life”. He also added, when asked “Can you walk there?”: “You can walk anywhere. If you have enough time.”
And how ‘bout the Ring camera? Not only is it great for home security, but even better for viewing pleasure when strategically placed in the guest room.
But the ceiling fan tops them all in making our life better: From the old hand fan, to the childhood sweats lying under the window box fan, to quiet, cooling swirls! Almost as life changing as the addition of chili to the hot dog!
TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
Poor, Poor Pitiful Me Warren Zevon
“She put me through some changes Lord, Sort of like a Waring blender,
She was a credit to her gender,
Well I met a girl at the Rainbow Room, She asked me if I’d beat her,
She took me back to the Hyatt House …. I don’t want to talk about it”
Living In Paradise Elvis Costello
“Later in the evening when arrangements are made, I’ll be at the keyhole outside your bedroom door,
You think that I don’t know the boy that you’re touching,
But I’ll be at the video, and I will be watching”
Memory Machine Dismemberment Plan
“Someday they’ll make a memory machine, To wax our hearts to a blinding sheen,
To wash away the grief, Poetry, Aldous Huxley – yeah it’ll be a relief,
If they can make machines to save us labor, they can do our hearts the same favor,
The walls of ruined lives being brought to a halt,
By the serene hum of computers in air conditioned vaults”
Blue Chair Elvis Costello
“Down in the blue chair, We can watch our troubles rise like smoke into the air,
And drift up to the ceiling, Down in the blue chair
Now its my turn to talk, Your turn to think, Your turn to buy, My turn to drink,
Your turn to cry, and my turn to sink down in the blue chair”