WELCOME TO THE ISLAND

Out for dinner the other night, I couldn’t help but notice the groups of tourists waiting patiently/anxiously for their tables to be called.

We used to be ‘those people’.

I miss vacations.

But between retirement and living at the beach, maybe I’m on perpetual vacation: Mid-afternoon naps, five o’ clock beers – or mid-afternoon, if I’m ‘stressed’ – not wearing shoes with toes, but it isn’t quite the same thing.

What I really miss is the ‘vacation bubble’.

That warm, surreal feeling when we disconnect from our jobs and everyday lives – and totally escape for a while.  Forget it all…

The bubble is in three distinct phases:

Anticipation – counting the days until departure; The Trip, hopefully a full week of fun and frolic; The “wishing I’d never been born” as the vacation wears off upon returning to work.

Anticipation separates us from animals – a dog never looks forward to anything. And probably the best part of the bubble – it never rains during the anticipation phase, and your table is always available.

Then ‘The Bubble’, which evolves as the event unfolds:

Sunday is the greatest, knowing no one else is working;

Monday/Tuesday awesome, we slip into a carefree routine;

Wednesday the ultimate, we’ve finally moved into full relaxation mode;

Thursday brings the nagging feeling that “this might be over soon”, but who knows what day it is anyway, so it passes;

Friday/Saturday we’re ‘reality’s bitch,’ ‘cause we’re going home tomorrow.

Once we return to work, it’s like it never happened.

Much like the ‘College Bubble’, we do stupid things on vacation.

Parents who rivet their children into their car seats at home, let their 7 year old drive a golf cart while the other kids ‘skateboard surf’ off the back;

Out for dinner, they order oysters and the fish special without asking the market price;

And judging from red glowing bodies on the beach, not using enough  sunscreen (we used baby oil when I was young, and I still have a fever blister on my lower back), because the only thing worse than a sunburned child, is living with a sunburned child (family groans).

Tourists do weird things on the beach.

Dogs aren’t allowed during the day, but I see a lot of ‘not yellow labs’ wearing Groucho glasses and pretending to do crossword puzzles.

Today I saw a woman practicing Yoga, near a man practicing Yogi, shouting Berraisms at passers-by. I think I recognized him as a Hare Krishna from the St. Louis airport in the 70s.

Visiting fishermen using lunch left overs as bait – apparently you catch the ‘big ones’ with onion rings.

To entertain them, we stage ‘dolphin sightings’, sending a family member swimming with a fin on their back. Depending on the looks of the crowd, I shout “Dolphin!” or “Shark!” – if Dolphin, we rifle through their coolers when they run to get a closer look.

We are always amused by newcomer’s reactions to the noseeums, those irritating little bugs, impossible to swat away. We compare them to God: Can’t see Him, but know He’s there. And then add: “What little bugs?”

But at the end of it all, we have a Hate/Love relationship with tourists.

They clog up our roads, roundabouts and restaurants, steal the free suckers and pens from our banks, and giggle when they order ‘grits’.

We love ….occasionally grumbling about them. And I guess they bring money to the local economy.

But I fear I will never truly experience the thrill of the ‘bubble’ again, the retired having nothing to ‘escape from’.

I’m going to plan a vacation though, just for the anticipation. With the return of COVID, it will get cancelled anyway.

ADDENDUM: Last night we saw a man driving a golf cart, holding a close-to-newborn baby in his left arm.

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When I take my vacation in heaven    Johnny Cash

Also covered by Jerry Lee Lewis and Jimmy Swaggart

There are those who are taking vacations to the mountains the lakes and the sea
Where they rest from their cares and their troubles
What a wonderful time that must be
But it seems not my lot to be like them I must toil through the heat and the cold
Seekin’ out the lost sheep on the mountains bringing wanderers back to the fold
But when I take my vacation in heaven what a wonderful time that will be
Hearing concerts by the heavenly chorus and the face of my Saviour I’ll see
Sitting down on the banks of the river neath the shade of the evergreen tree
There I’ll rest from my burdens forever won’t you take your vacation with me
(Sitting down on the banks of the river under the shade of the evergreen tree)
There I’ll rest from my burdens forever, won’t you take your vacation with me

Frivolous Tonight   XTC

Let us talk about some trivial things we like
A bit of this and that
Let’s chew the fat

Pour ourselves a glass of stout
And let our Rael Brook shirts hang out
Nothing makes us more content
To let us wallow in a bit of nonsense

We’re all so frivolous tonight, tonight

Let’s reveal our childlike nature
And leave our stocks and invoices to rot
Let’s go to pot

Tell our jokes about mothers in law
But watch him jump when she comes through the door
Oh the party goes with a swing
When we talk about the trivial things

We’re all so frivolous tonight

But there’s always one
Who wants to talk shop
We’ll drive him through the door
With a broom or a mop

Let us tell our favourite story
About some poor chap who put it on display
Hip hooray
And let the girls gather in their slacks
To talk about husbands hairy backs

Some might think we’re a bit of a shower
But this could be our finest hour

We’re all so frivolous tonight, tonight
We’re all so ridiculous tonight.

Changes In Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes  Jimmy Buffet

I took off for a weekend last month
Just to try and recall the whole year
All of the faces and all of the places
Wonderin’ where they all disappeared
I didn’t ponder the question too long
I was hungry and went out for a bite
Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum
And we wound up drinkin all night

It’s these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running and all of our cunning
If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane

Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I’ve been
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again
If it suddenly ended tomorrow
I could somehow adjust to the fall
Good times and riches and son of a bitches
I’ve seen more than I can recall

It’s these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane

I think about Paris when I’m high on red wine
I wish I could jump on a plane
So many nights I just dream of the ocean
God I wish I was sailin’ again
Oh, yesterday’s over my shoulder
So I can’t look back for too long
There’s just too much to see waiting in front of me
And I know that I just can’t go wrong

With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running and all of my cunning
If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane
If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane

Those lazy, crazy, hazy days of summer   Nat King Cole

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Dust off the sun and moon and sing a song of cheer

Just fill your basket full of sandwiches and weenies
Then lock the house up, now you’re set
And on the beach you’ll see the girls in their bikinis
As cute as ever but they never get ’em wet

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
You’ll wish that summer could always be here

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Dust off the sun and moon and sing a song of cheer

Don’t have to tell a girl and fella about a drive-in
Are some romantic movie scene
Right from the moment that those lovers start arrivin’
You’ll see more kissin’ in the car than on the screen

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
You’ll wish that summer could always be here

You’ll wish that summer could always be here
You’ll wish that summer could always be here

A Dip in the ocean   Fountains of Wayne

It’s you and me on a beach
In 1998
Leaning into the breeze
From the willows
And rhythm and grace are reborn in this place
I’m assured the procedure is painless

The taxicab with no brakes
Around the mountain pass
Keep your head in your hands
If anybody asks
What you mean when you were picking a fight
You were only complimenting the waitress

Chorus:
Give us a room with a mountain view
A tiny cabana by the water
Yeah, by the water
And I got a rental for an hour or two
For a ride up the coast and a dip in the ocean

The waterfront is alight
With citronella flame
Tourists flashing the night
From the grottoes
And gathering now on the heel-worn planks
For a drunken promenade or a mambo

And lovers paddle a boat
On the molten bay
Veering into the reeds
On a ripple
And playing it cool in a bar by the pool
With a Caribbean Kiss Amaretto

Chorus

Get a load of the light in the trees
And the sweet decay on the maritime breeze
The sun’s hitching on a weather balloon
And the heat off the tarmac
Burning a hole in a gold afternoon

Give us a room with a mountain view
A tiny cabana by the water
Yeah, by the water
And I got a rental for an hour or two
And a bottle in a cooler
Maps and a big brown towel
It’s a beater, but today will do
For a ride up the coast and a dip in the ocean