WEIRD SCIENCE

My Captor worries about me.

A lot of people worry about me – it gets old when every conversation with someone I haven’t seen for a while starts with “Are you OK?”

But My Captor is worried about my physical health.

And I’m worried about hers – it’s our 2^nd favorite activity after Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy hour.

Fortunately, neither of us has anything major going on, just the usual organ recital stuff.

But I try not to share my ailments – hip pain, high blood pressure, phantom hair pain – because My Captor’s cause for anything troubling me is something that gives me pleasure.

Your hip hurts? Too many air fried hot dogs.

Male Pattern Baldness: Too much red meat. And you never cut your hair in college.

Blood pressure issues? Too many IPAs.

That last thing means I can’t admit I’m feeling better due to Dry January.

Which is why I’ve been keeping her away from the news – a new study has ‘determined’: ‘Men who wore hearing aids have a 24% lower mortality rate than those who never wore them.’

How they determined that I’ve no idea – I’ve never seen a hearing aid in an open casket – but it sounds like an easy way to extend your life. If you’re OK with hearing what people have to say about you.

It would add greater urgency to the ‘hearing aid talk’, My Captor trying to persuade that I need them – at least I think that’s what she said – but I believe the solution is to have conversations while we’re in the same room.

Though it might explain why friends are asking what I’ll do with my baseball cards if I don’t make it.

But based on this data, I fear we’ll be having the ‘IPA talk’ again.

As an aside, I miss the days when you knew stuff before other people: Everyone knows who died, what war broke out, the Double Big Mac is back, simultaneously.

As another aside, this is a reminder of how evil science is (Shakes Fist Angrily!)

I still suffer from ‘Chemistry Envy’ of my high school lab mate, couldn’t dissect that frog because we’d never been properly introduced, and does anyone really understand E=Pi?

Worst, refusing my admission to the ‘Young Scientists Club’ for failing the psychological exam.

What has science ever done for us? Put a man on the moon? Developed a phone that travels with you? Devised a rule allowing players to bat without playing the field? Made a good tasting kale?

And science truly is evil: Pfizer working with the Chinese to develop Covid, MIT working with Disney to develop the Hall of Presidents, refusing to tell me what they’ve done with my prostate.

But I just received a phone alert letting me know ‘science isn’t really scientific’ – with a link to ‘Only the hard of hearing die young’ – that most of science just made up, full of formulas and periodic tables to confuse us.

The good news: The alert alerted that all of mankind’s problems can be solved by proper hydration.

And as I sit here drinking a glass of refreshing agua, all is good: my hip feels better, blood pressure 120/Pi – and is that a sprout of new hair?

I know science is like that old girlfriend who wouldn’t admit she was wrong, but upon further consideration, maybe science isn’t all bad.

Scientific studies have shown that red wine is good for your heart, and drinking it daily extends your life…

… And I hear a study soon to be released shows the same benefit from daily IPAs.

For 210 more posts like this –each with a wish for a hint on how to calculate Pi and the only episode of Star Trek I remember– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

An apology, and a golden opportunity – I should have picked Les McCann for last week’s music choice, as he died December 29^th. The golden opportunity: If you’ve never heard McCann’s 1969 classic Swiss Movement, recorded live at the Montreux Jazz festival, with Eddie Harris – McCann on piano and vocals, Harris on the sax – todays the day.

Apparently, due to travel issues, the band had not rehearsed together, but you certainly can’t tell. ‘Compared to What’ was a ‘60s protest song, and it along with Cold Duck Time have been added to the Beers at the Nifty playlist.