…TO ME!

My favorite Father’s Day? The year my Captor gave me a bucket of fried chicken and a 12 pack of Sierra Nevada Torpedo Double IPA.

And that was breakfast.

Obviously there is a different level of preparation for Father’s Day compared to Mother’s Day – and a potentially much lower set of expectations.

I’m thrilled if I hear from all my children, have a couple of meals I enjoy, and maybe a few beers on the beach. 

A phone call is required – a text isn’t enough – and cards are OK (grudgingly). But with age, an Old Man Rant concerns the cost of greeting cards – it becoming a real irritation that someone has spent $5+ on something that I quickly read, display for a day or two, and then dispose. I have tried returning them to the store, but whiting out the inscription rarely fools the customer service agent.  I have tried banding them together to use as sandbags, but no go. Now I just re-send them to my friend Jim.

So, I now make cards for my family, and in a fun bit of irony it marks me as ‘creative’ and not cheap. In another bit of full circleness, I once again appreciate when my kids make me a card, so kid’s artwork is back in vogue.

We have 6 children, and I regarded each as a gift from God – but if I found His sandals under our bed one more time, there would have been Heaven to pay.

I believe my Father career was successful: I was never served with a restraining order, very rarely had to appear in court with one of our children, and can still remember most of their names. I will admit that I have a mental catalog of mistakes I made with each child, but fortunately none seem major. But the true details may emerge at my funeral…

And I’ve always been proud of the week I watched our 5 children under the age of 7 when my Captor was helping with her sister’s newborn – just one defection to the Soviets, two refusing their allowances in an attempted chore stoppage, and only one disappearance, and for just 2 days. But our homestead exemption was approved.

I have learned a few Fatherly things over the years, though.

Share the load: It is important to be involved in your child’s lives, and that includes their care and maintenance. My Captor and I would take turns getting up with them on the weekends. I would get up on Saturday. And I would get up on Sunday…  

Show up for things: The demands of life and work frequently limit the amount of time we can spend with our children, so it is important to show up for their games, debate meets, etc. The greatest compliment I ever received was “I don’t remember you ever missing anything”.  But to hedge future bets, sit as far from the event as possible and wear nondescript clothing. Then if you can’t make it, a quick “I was in the back wearing a plaid shirt. Didn’t you see me?” gets you off the hook.

Let them figure it out: We frequently hear “how smart kids are today” (there’s an Old Man Rant lurking here, but I’ll pass), so maybe we should act like that’s true and let them work it out on their own. I ruined my own science fair projects, and let them ruin their own. My kids were always asking for help with their homework, but two weeks of wrong answers cured them of that.

Be publicly positive  Don’t be that Little League parent who is arrested after getting into a fight at a youth basketball game.  Only say positive things at games – let them be un-embarrassed by your public behavior.  For helpful contrast, sit by the angry Dad and repeatedly ask him “Can you believe that call? Why’d he take your son out?” When he goes off, you’ll be the calm guy.

Give it all you got: I assumed all Dads were like my Dad, but not so much. While Mothers are the foundation of society, Dads are the “X factor”. With marriage and children you are now 4^th or 5^th in line, so behave accordingly. Do your best, but be prepared to be largely ignored.

So, HFD to all you Fathers! But if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make 4^th of July cards for my loved ones.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Styrofoam Plates  Death Cab for Cutie

“It’s no stretch to say you were not quite a father, but a donor of seeds to a poor single Mother,

You’re a disgrace to the concept of family, The priest won’t disclose that fact in his homily,

And I’ll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet,

You can deck out a lie in a suit but I won’t buy it, Using 5 dollar words while praising his integrity,

And just cause he’s gone doesn’t change the fact that he was a bastard in life, thus a bastard in death”

Daddy was a real good dancer  Dismemberment Plan

“Daddy, daddy was a real good dancer, Until he had me and he threw his dancing shoes away,

When I finally lay my cold and creaky bones to rest,

I hope I’m not a mystery to those who know me best, But if all my eulogies are corny fantasies,

I’ll just put on my favorite groove, Because that what we would always do”

Oh Daddy  Adrian Belew

“Oh Daddy, when you gonna write that big hit? Oh Daddy, when you gonna hit it real big, real big?

Well don’t hold your breath cause that’ll make you blue,

But the whole operas not over yet, And I aim to make the fat lady sweat,

I could hit the jackpot yet, And I’m going to buy you Disney World”

My Three Sons  Elvis Costello

“Years of fragment, between the shame and the sentiment,

For all the years I might have been absent, I can’t do what can’t be undone,

I love you more than I can say, What I give to one the other cannot take away,

I bless the day you came to be, with everything that is left to me,

May you never have anymore sorrows,

That’s not something you can count upon, Still I want it for my 3 sons”

My Old Man  Steve Goodman

“And now the old man’s gone, And I’d give all I own,

To hear what he said when I wasn’t listening,

I miss the old man tonight and I can almost see his face,

His heart only made it to 58,

For the first time since he died, Late last night I cried,

I wondered when I was gonna do that, for my old man”