Real New Years resolutions require intensive self-therapy.

That’s why we settle for annual mush balls like “Be nicer to people” – figuring out how to be a better human involves serious thought.

And unfortunately, degenerates into serious work.

Combined with last week’s post, perhaps I’m ‘resolution obsessed’, but I’m a couple of days into Dry January, and I’ve had some time to think. Clearly, that is.

And I used to believe “Understanding your past is the key to unlocking a better you” but that T-shirt’s back in the drawer.

With the present all jacked up – bad behavior abounds, celebrated and excused -the past is no longer prologue, so why bother with resolutions?

Welcome to Pottersville!  

As kids, Sr. Mary Mary taught us copying other’s work was a sin, and we earned extra credit if we could spell plagiarism.

She also taught hitting others was wrong, and I have a permanent welt to prove it.   

But today’s Harvard scandal teaches us plagiarism is apparently French for ‘No big deal, just Inadequate Citation’ – but it would still be a venial sin if I didn’t confess all the adverbs in last week’s post were lifted from Tom Sawyer.

Mea Culpa.

An additional apology – that Mea Culpa was lifted from the Broadway play “Mea Culpa” – are there any original thoughts anymore?

But fear of cheating – and the three prong rosary – made me sit in the front in school, so I couldn’t be accused of copying.

Even better, the kid behind me pushed me to study harder so his grades would improve…

Though to be totally transparent – is there partially transparent? – I copied the ‘bad boy’s’ sins for confession, to appear cooler. Just once – the Hail Marys penance load was brutal.     

But the other ‘societal decline’ lesson of the plagiarism scandal is a modern twist on ‘Deny, Deny, Deny’:

“It’s not my fault, I’m the victim here!”

The Convenient Out.

Which I tried as a kid, telling my Mother “That Nun has it in for me because I’m Catholic.”

Earning a bang on both ears.

And again, telling my Father “Not my fault I got fired, he was a bad boss” – who knew there were three ears to bang?

Victimhood’s logical progression: “Somebody Owes Me!”

The combination spawning the uniquely American ‘Class Action Suit’ – but I’m loving my $16.52 from the Avis NJ toll tag settlement.

Perhaps the most Convenient Out is Whataboutism – an adult version of “I know you are, but what am I?”

Which in 2024’s election will be: Your guy sucks worse than our guy.

But being raised in a large family enabled a whole bunch of whataboutisms…and victimhood galore.

Even the dog was marginalized and oppressed.

I knew “study your past to be a better person” was ridiculous – my reaction when I read it in the post I copied it from – so we settle for the ‘easily resolved, but worthwhile’ behavior changes.

For me, those include:

Do better. Start with the little things.

Appreciate better. Remember how lucky we are.

Even if it’s just relative.

My Captor and I were without downstairs heat for 10 days in December, due to a hard to get part. Each day I said “It’s cold in here – but others have it worse.”

Proper citation and phantom welt pain compel me to attribute that quote to My Captor…

Humanity better. Each life’s valuable – worry about others to forget your own troubles.

If all else fails, resolve to be slightly better versions of ourselves

all progress is incremental.

But if none of that works for you, just copy your friend’s resolutions.

For 209 more posts like this –each with a wish for a hint on how to do better– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Today’s celebration of failed resolutions and humanness is Wasted Days   Cloud Nothings, with the memorable line “I thought I would be more than this”.

Content warning: VERY loud, pretty shrill. But fun for those who like that sort of thing…

Added to the Beers at the Nifty playlist.