THAT’S GROSS!

What’s green and goes backward?

If you’re one of the 700 million or so Americans who’ve had a serious cold recently, you know the answer to that one.

Having a cold is one of those weird, unwanted maladies: You’re not really sick enough to be attention getting at an ‘Organ Recital’, but you can be really affected.

But it’s just a cold – which everyone has.

Tough to gain much sympathy when you’ve got what everyone else has, and setting your condition apart by using the technical name: Acute Nasal Nasopharyngitis frightens small children, so to be avoided.

But while it’s ‘just a cold’, there are so many things you can claim it to be: RSV, Covid, Deng Flu, Reaction to asbestos, to get attention and/or sympathy – important to be able to cough on command, or better yet, cough up weird green fluids.

While sitting and staring vacantly into space, I’ve wondered:

Where does all the phlegm come from? Does it lurk somewhere in your body until it’s time to (re)appear? 

Why is it called phlegm? And can’t there be a better alternative name than: mucus, snot rocket, green crap or Uncle Loogie Larry?

As an aside, did you know phlegm also means numb: “A man of remarkable phlegm, never showing enthusiasm”…

… And if you have a cold, you can definitely relate to that.

Are there uses for phlegm outside the body? Can kids build a phlegmman? Open a phlegmonade stand? Grill phlegmburgers?

How does the cold cycle stop? Shouldn’t it just loop back through the population through eternity? Is there a selfless person who stays in their room until their cold ends, thus saving civilization?

If you can’t taste a beer due to dead taste buds, are you really violating Dry January by having a drink?

Is it Covid? Paxlovid! My Captor and I haven’t had Covid, and if we don’t test for it, we’ll never get it. But if you’ve got Covid, then I’ve got pneumococcal RSV COPD.

Why did Biden declare a war on cancer, and not colds? The science hasn’t advanced much… drink, eat pills and sleep. Sounds like college all over again.

Did my grandson Charlie give me this cold (Shakes fist angrily, but tentatively just in case it was our neighbor)? After every ‘Charlie visit’ seems I end up sick… Crappy kid artwork would be better.

How to treat it?

In the old days, they just removed one of your lungs and the cold germs. The lungs were piled up, and later burned at the Cold Festival.

But now there are multiple medications available, and I’ve been taking nine of each for a week.

Even zinc, which a friend swore by, claiming it effectively prevented colds. Or it may have been his remedy for male pattern baldness, in which case it won’t be helping My Captor much.

But be careful, I took Nyquil this AM and Dayquil last night, so I’m not sure what time it is.

Feed. starve or hydrate a cold? I’m doing the research on whether IPAs are a cure – I’m in year 17 and will get back with the results.

The unfortunate truth?

What they don’t mention in the cold cure ads is there is no cure!

You just have to live through it – -It all comes down to attitude: Only you can get yourself through this.

But it may take a few days, a few hundred dollars of ineffective cold medicines, and a few boxes of Kleenex, but it will go away.

Eventually.

Or you could just get your lungs removed…

For 272 more posts like this –each with a wish for more kleenex– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:

The Innocence Mission is an American band that has released 13 albums, the most recent Midwinter Swimmers, which is a nice Sunday morning listen. My favorite The Innocence Mission CD, but Glow also good. ‘Bright as yellow’ ‘Curious’ ‘Notebook’ ‘Lakes of Canada’ and ‘Black Sheep Wall’ added to BATN playlist.