I took my Dad for granted.
Which likely happens to every Dad.
But as I look back on our relationship, I realize how lucky I was: So much of what I know – and do – I owe to him.
But first I have to thank him for just being there.
Amazing what having a male influence means.
And definitely no guarantees: About 25% of kids today grow up without a male in the home.
My Father was definitely a positive, quiet influence, letting my Mother do 90+% of the talking.
But always there.
He didn’t attend college, returning from the war to his wife and daughter, and starting work immediately. Though he made college part of his plan for each of his children.
Along with having it better than he’d had it.
He’d served in the WW2 Coast Guard, details shared sparingly -the major one involving a typhoon ride-out.
And he worked hard at building and maintaining relationships in the VFW and American Legion, but I doubt the conversations dwelled on the war.
He was always working, sometimes 2+ jobs.
Definitely a second job during the run-up to the holidays: We always got what we requested – funny how that happened.
He rode the train for the rural post office – I remember helping him learn the various stops – ultimately retiring due to a disabled shoulder. Or something like that. But he retired with a disability pension, which he chuckled over in a quiet moment.
He had a drinking issue, but when given the choice of drinking or family, chose family – after “one last weekend”. I never saw him drink again, even at his oldest daughter’s wedding, which he’d saved as a ‘drink opportunity’.
He smoked, but ‘priced-out’ once cigarettes went to 30 cents a pack.
He knew the ‘slur’ for every nationality – as Lithuanians we were lugens – and used them freely. But I never saw him treat anyone differently because of who they were. Or weren’t.
My Mother didn’t drive, he did all the shopping – and knew the price of everything, down to the penny. He forced stores to honor promotional offers which had ‘run out’, through some painful to watch manager ‘discussions’.
He was wickedly funny, excitedly telling us how rich we were once stamps went to 18 cents! (Had to be there?)
But weirdly, once my Mother died – 20+ years before his calling – he became a ‘different’ man. Developing a personality, actually talking.
And building on what my Mother had done with their grandchildren.
So today, as I look back on my Father, I thank him for so much of what made me me – for all I’ve learned.
How to treat my wife: He and my Mother were a great pair, always supportive, never arguing in front of their kids – he always had her back.
How to treat my children: A positive influence, reveling in the good, ‘ignoring’ the bads.
How to treat my grandchildren: Even better than our kids.
How to treat others: Treating them the way he’d like to be treated – or maybe a little better. Despite his language…
How to handle success: Never forget where you came from.
How to treat myself: Honestly – but don’t expect too much.
So today I thank my Dad for all he did for me.
Take a moment to think how lucky I am to have had had the opportunities he didn’t.
And tell him I love him – which I’m not sure I ever did.
But most importantly, how he taught me to be a father. The greatest job in the world…
For 233 more posts like this –each with a wish for a Happy Father’s Day– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.
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And I’m now on Substack at justluckytobehere.substack.com. Same stuff, but a different location.
ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:
Today is a series of individual family father choices, which have been added to the BATN playlist: ‘One Sunday Morning (Song for Jane Smiley’s Boyfriend)’, ‘Levee’ Wilco – both mine, ‘Spiders (Kidsmoke)’ Wilco ‘Unconditional 1 (Lookout Kid)’ Arcade Fire – Luke, ‘My Way’ The Sex Pistols – Peter, ‘How Lucky’ Kurt Vile with John Prine – Duncan. Happy Father’s Day!
I remember me being a bit afraid of him as a child, and I’m sure for no reason. Then, like you said, he became a different person. Having lost my own father in that timeframe I was blessed to be his grandson. Watching the pride he had during the first grandchild’s wedding. Being able to share the highlights of my family’s lives were priceless. We were blessed to be back in Omaha before his first great grandchild was born and he was fighting through cancer no one thought he would survive.
Towards his last couple of years I’d meet him regularly for coffee as part of a tradition my mom set up after the string of funerals. What I loved most was he would take all the initial time to update me on all my cousins, aunts and uncles and the pride he shared about each little thing. Then he would always dig deeper into his great grandchildren and offering his advice to me. His greatest share being “Every boy needs a dog”. And somehow we ended up with a dog a few days later.
So let me join you in thanking him for teaching me and being a guiding force in my family’s journeys and being the example of marriage and family to my own children and grandchildren! Like you, I sure wish I’d told him I loved him more, but he knew, he definitely knew!
If you care to add another song to the BATN playlist I’d suggest “l’d Rather Be Dead” by Harry Nilsson. Grandma would loudly put this on upstairs and we would dance and laugh. He would always come up and watch in the hall privately before going back downstairs to work. Looking back, I’d like to think it gave him the humor he needed to get through the day.
Beautiful, Jim. You should add John Fogerty’s “Leader of the Band’ to your play list this Father’s Day. I like you am so thankful to the Father I had. My love to you and MaryBeth.
Beautiful, Jim. You should add John Fogerty’s “Lesader of the Baand” to your Playlist. Thank you. Love to you and MaryBeth
Jim – such a candid but incredibly loving and respectful post. Well done.