TAXES! (SHAKES FIST ANGRILY!)

This is tax week, which many find stressful.

Not me. I requested an extension, my annual custom.

The extension signals the IRS I’m giving my return careful thought – no need for them or their computers to worry.

And while many oppose taxation, not me!

(Raises voice) “I support the IRS and our taxation system, and am thrilled to pay my ‘fair share’ to contribute to the country’s financial health! Tax the rich, make them sit in coach on Spirit Airlines!”

Looks furtively, hoping the government mis/disinformation bureau heard him – doesn’t want the FBI at the front door. Again.

Unfortunately, the government’s definition of ‘fair share’ is 50% more than you’re currently paying.

Confusingly, things today are backward: Funding more IRS agents is good? – people must believe “We’ll never audit you!” – and hamburgers and red meat are bad?

Understanding the IRS begins with a history lesson.

Income taxes began as a scam by the Boston Diocese of the Catholic Church, successful enough the Feds took over. Fortunately, bingo a successful pivot.

Woodrow Wilson’s administration began collecting taxes, forming the IRS, promising they would only collect enough to buy Washington Senators tickets, and there’d be no audits of anyone earning less than $400.  

And “We’ll never audit you!”, “If you like your CPA, you can keep him!”.

Flash forward 100 years, and the monolithic tax system is frightening to deal with.

Collecting a LOT of our money – spent in ways one may not agree with, reminding me of chipping in for snacks at a party, and our drunk friend Tom returning with $400 worth of cheese fries.  

But there are ways to make the system work for you:

Deductions 

Charitable donations reduce your liability, and let you think you’re the better person. And the Boston Diocese will provide a receipt for a small fee. Beers at the Nifty is a 392.7 organization, so any money you send me is tax deductible.

Children are a $2k credit, per. My Captor and I have been serial adopting, and since Canadian kids are worth double, we are now parents to an entire Toronto suburb.

Enclosing a notarized statement “I renounce Donald Trump and his tax policies” will lift the $10k limit on local taxes. Bingo!

Declaring as a ‘certified resident of Puerto Rico’ has to be worth something, and you’d also be eligible for hurricane relief from 3 or 4 different storms.

But the biggest windfall might be checking the ‘deceased’ box. It will reduce your taxes, and you’ll get a sympathy card every April 15^th!

Audit prevention

There are wimps out there who follow the tax regulations to prevent an audit – ruining it for we ‘creative types.’ (SFA!)

To prevent audits, be proactive.

I send baked goods with my return, with a note thanking the computer for its service.

I enclose my contact info, with a picture of me in a Speedo, and check yes to “Would you prefer an in-person audit?”

In years with questionable deductions, I enclose 4 Washington Senators tickets, with a ‘wink emoji’.

And a house fire makes a great excuse when the auditor asks for additional documentation.

But the easiest way to avoid taxes is no income!

That can make life tough, but maybe your friends will feel bad for you and bring you cheese fries. And you’ll qualify for the ‘Vow of Poverty’ deduction!

But unless you’re willing to assume another identity – fleeing the country doesn’t work, trust me -there’s not much you can do about the IRS.

I get through it with my Father’s wisdom:

“Assume you’re going to get screwed. You’ll never be disappointed.”

For 161 more posts like this –each with a deductive wish – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

The Blues had a baby and they named it Rock and Roll! The Blues were born in the South, but ‘plugged in’ in Chicago (or thereabouts). So many amazing Blues artists. Today is a great day to (re)discover Robert Cray. Start with “Strong Persuader” and go random from there. Lucky enough to see him as one of the acts on BB King’s Blues Revue. A while ago, of course.

1040 Blues   Robert Cray

Worried, you betcha
Discouraged, I don’t know
Every time I see a 1040
Out of my pocket it goes

Ow, I hate taxes

I work hard for my money
Every April you take it all away
Don’t you know I work hard for my money
Every day, people
You take it all away from me

Ow, ow, I hate taxes

Taxes gonna break my back, I swear
Don’t you know I pay a lot more than my share?
I hate taxes

Can’t have any fun anymore
Gotta make plans for everything now
Gotta plan for every thing I do, people
Can’t go out and have a real good time
Now I’ve gotta worry about everything
That my little money can buy

Oh, ow, I hate taxes

Taxes gonna break my back, I swear
Don’t you know I paid a lot more than my share?
I hate taxes

You know I’m thinkin’ about movin’ somewhere else
But I can’t because I love America too much
Especially California, yeah
I guess I’m gonna have to pay these taxes
If I’m gonna live here, oh