SUBSTITUTE PARENTS

If I’d known being a grandparent would be this much fun, I would have never had children.

My Captor and I lucky enough to have multiple grandchildren, 2 batches within driving distance.

We’re with the ‘3-boys under the age of 6’ batch at the moment: I swear I heard something about “Going to the store”, but the “Be back Monday” followed by umbrella drink themed Instagram posts was jarring.

As sitters we’re much like the school substitute teachers we all had: We’re not going to do a lot of serious parenting, we’ll be lied to about what is and isn’t allowed, and we won’t get paid much.

And like those substitutes, the last thing means we’ll get invited back.

But we’re also like that substitute with history, we all kinda liked and vaguely remembered:  The kids know ‘PA rules’ are in effect, so things are going to happen that might not under normal circumstances…  

Fortunately, our job’s made easier by the existing family routine – particularly the part with bedtime at a reasonable hour.

Which gets 30 minutes more reasonable each night.

But now in ‘responsible’ mode, those treasured parenting moments are flooding back: I’m tired and short tempered, I no longer care what Hugh’s into, and is it too early for a beer?

A major parenting change: apparently spanking children no longer allowed, now a jailable offense – and while we didn’t spank often, the reminder of that ‘one time’ was an effective deterrent.

But the change feels like the elimination of cash bail… 

Each child has a different personality (or perhaps that’s a calculated part of their grandparent manipulation):

The oldest is ‘The Negotiator’ – constantly trying for better/looser behavioral terms – who forgets nothing – reminding “We’ll do that later” comes back to haunt.

He’s also expert at working Queenie vs. PA, which kids must learn from each other in the hospital nursery.

The middle child is ‘The Rain Delay’ – don’t want to say he gets dressed slowly but he’s still getting ready for school on Thursday (Ba dum bum).  

But he’s also an inventive character: Telling us they can watch a show if they get up early, there’s such a thing as ‘weekend cereal’ needed at the store, and Taylor Swift is the new Tokyo Rose.

The youngest is ‘I can’t be doing something I shouldn’t, I’m smiling and looking right at you’, his affability almost Midwestern.

And the combination of the occasional ‘Terrible Two’ outburst plus the sweetest kid ever the rest of the time, reminds of that girlfriend who burned all your favorite T-shirts during a bad break-up.

But he has some nut allergies, and I’ve learned to use an Epi pen. I think I have. I’m hoping to never really find out.

But I self-Epied during a practice session – though I felt fine, and I it may grow hair.

There were plenty of ‘PA moments’: Two donut runs – even without The Hot Light, the Harris Teeter ruled, and weirdly they have a bar too – air-fried hot dogs, and ‘paint’ baths causing another ceiling leak. Oh, and that ‘brief’ kitchen fire.

But there were educational moments: I taught them “put the lid up”, but missed on the “put it back down” part, which may compromise their future relationships.

And when they cried about missing Mommy and Daddy, I reminded being apart was good for everyone, you’ll appreciate each other more.

Their blank looks reminding me of teaching moments with my own children.

Their parent’s return can’t come soon enough – but will be way too early.

Because these are days that will live forever in treasured memory…

For 213 more posts like this –each with a wish for “Can’t we all just get along”– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

And I’m now on Substack at justluckytobehere.substack.com. Same stuff, but a different location.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Not sure how, but Tom Wait’s ‘Blue Valentine’ came to mind, and I listened to it while finishing this post. Wow. ‘Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis’ may represent the peak achievement of our society, with nothing but devolution ahead. Oh well. And I’ve added ‘Somewhere’ (a fascinating cover – nearly as cool as its use for the bride’s walk-in music at a family wedding!), ‘Red shoes by the drugstore’, the aforementioned ‘Hooker’, ‘Whistlin’ past the graveyard’, and ‘I’ve got a bad liver and a broken heart’ to the BATN playlist. But don’t sleep on $29, another classic.