I’m tired of asking Eeyore for resolution advice. He believes the exercise pointless: “We are who we are, there’s no changing”.
I’m also tired of asking Winnie the Pooh for advice. A “bear of very little brain”, he believes everything will turn out OK: “If you think it, you can do it”.
Additionally, confusingly, the world of New Years resolutions is upside down.
The ‘stick’ doing that, making weight loss a doctor’s prescription away.
With virtually every resolution list beginning with “Lose weight’, the accomplishment now cheapened: Oh, they’re on the stick!
Even if I lost weight the ‘old-fashioned way’ – through diet, exercise and NO BEER – I wouldn’t get proper credit.
But people have new respect for weight gain: Poor dear, he must be worried about the side effects of the stick. Or, Medicare won’t cover the Rx. Or, he doesn’t have a mirror and can drink beer during January…
Why am I worried about resolutions anyway? And why am I asking fictional characters for their advice?
It starts with January, which is a cruel riddle.
A month with so much wrong with it, you wonder why they didn’t move 3 of its days to shorten it – even the Super Bowl moved to February.
But the occasional good thing – a federal holiday! – making it a riddle.
A rude, cruel intro to winter, with the occasional warm day to fool you into thinking spring is near.
College football ends, but the NFL playoffs begin.
The promise of a better you, based upon your physical and mental health resolutions, crashing into non-achievement reality.
And yet, many of us go through the resolution drill every January, the weather inviting boredom, foolishly looking for things to do after the holiday crush of events.
Some of us even write a couple of posts about the topic.
So, if not to AA Milne, where does one go for resolution advice?
As kids, our parish priest would offer direction, but as a teenage male I couldn’t handle – literally – his advice.
Or our parents, but most of their advice involving free labor, no thanks.
But in today’s world, There’s an App for that!
Most of which are ‘sponsored’, so take that “Eat more whole grains” with a grain of whole grain. Or maybe whole milk.
The “Affordable Protein App” was interesting – and will be a theme in the upcoming midterms – but I fear a protein overdose, leading to my first resolution: Avoid protein. But, based upon a recent trip to the store, is dead on arrival – just like all my resolutions.
The LinkedIn app, for ‘Better Job’ resolutions, Plastics! the career word of the day! But larger ones, not those micro ones. Mr. Gladstone the career model…
The ‘Make it a habit App’ was briefly helpful, but their first habit was paying the $8.99 monthly fee, so not helpful.
But for my resolutions, I went old school… The Magic 8-ball!
You know, the little black ball that answers your questions about the future with yes, no, maybe, or eat more protein. Apparently even they’re sponsored now.
So, I posed a series of resolution questions.
Should I lose weight? Yes.
Should I do Dry January? Yes.
Should I get a tattoo? No.
Should I vacuum and take out the garbage? Yes.
And then I realized I’d bought the “8-ball – wife version”, and My Captor had programmed the Q&A.
Which is when I made my annual resolution: “Do what My Captor tells me.”
Works every year…
ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:
Heard a song by Nick Vastro that made me laugh, and fit with Dry January. ‘I’m Gonna to kill the bartender’, If he doesn’t kill me first. Balanced by ‘Some Bartenders have the gift of pardon’ by Mark Eitzel. A beautiful song from a beautiful album ’60 watt silver lining’.