In the spirit of “Those who can’t do, teach”, here’s a helpful guide to Resolution setting.
As 2025 ends, our attention turns to ‘New Year, New Us’.
Building resolution(s) aN ADMISSION WE’RE UNHAPPY WITH OURSELVES (Resolution #1: Disable caps lock).
Resolution setting: Ignoring prior decades of failure – just knowing this year will be different!
However, our old friend Eeyore doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions (NYR). He knows their futility and figures “Why bother?”
But that doesn’t stop the rest of us…
Like children, Resolutions are fun to conceive, hard to live with.
The issue with New Year’s Resolutions (NYR ) is the lack of an achievable plan.
We write resolutions: Lose 40 pounds, learn a foreign language, convert the rest of the world from the metric system – – But no plan, no success…
Instead of just resolving to lose 40 pounds by July 1st, a realistic plan would guarantee success and a new you! Set a goal to lose one pound per month January through May, and 35 in June. Boom, you’re there!
Or, get a weight loss drug prescription, and lose 40 pounds by January 10th!
Most lists start with Dry January, which can’t come soon enough.
While “I’m gaining weight to play ‘fat’ Jake LaMotta in a community playhouse Raging Bull production” seems to satisfy ‘girth questions’, it’d be great to lose a few.
Allegedly, Dry January has benefits beyond weight loss, but after having tried it, the prime benefit appears to be the arrival of February.
But on the way to a ‘Better You’ each month is a themed opportunity for self-improvement!
‘Mulligan February’ brings Lent and the chance for a whole new set of resolutions/sacrifices.
‘Wet March’ capitalizes on St. Patty’s Day or taking shots for knowing how the date of Easter is calculated. And what’s better than rebounding from a series of embarrassing incidents: March the month to set the bar LOW.
‘Semi-dry April’ will make your friends say “What was up with him in March? He’s so much more adult now!” And you definitely want to be clear headed when cheating on your taxes.
‘Spring has sprung, May’ allows you to finally use that Christmas gift leaf blower to blow Spring debris into the neighbor’s yard, terminating the “Be a better neighbor” resolution.
‘Volunteerism June’ is all about finally volunteering at the local food bank. Leading to the inevitable call to tell them “My turtle is sick and I can’t make it today” – the first of multiple ‘clever’ excuses.
‘Bathing Suit July’ the inspiration for “Lose 40 pounds, II”, particularly after the neighborhood petition to never wear a Speedo again.
‘Back to School August’ – committing to ‘being a better parent’, after feeling guilty (a little) about your relief the kids are back in school. And trying to find food without added protein for kid lunches.
‘No Hope September’ – the time to finally admit that “there’s no hope, we’re doomed to repeat our mistakes throughout eternity”. That sound you hear Eeyore laughing. The other sound, the mailman delivering the IRS audit announcement, for your questionable deductions in April.
‘OH-NO! October brings the announcement of health issues caused by weight loss drugs and too much protein.
‘Christmas can’t come soon enough November’ will be highlighted by Thanksgiving, where your first successful resolution: Eat More Turkey, finally happens.
‘Christmas can’t leave soon enough’ December allows re-connection with family, and then wondering “When are they going to leave?’
It also starts the NYR ritual all over again.
But Eeyore knows how this high-minded self-improvement planning turns out.
Time to give in to your Inner Eeyore: Have a Bloody Mary, begin working on your 2027 resolutions.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
In 2026, resolve to listen to more music – as my nephew Will said, “If you don’t listen to music, You’re leading a sub-optimal life”. Check out ‘This is Lorelei’ (Nate Amos), who have (has?) a new album out. He wrote ‘Dancing in the Club’, one of my favorite MJ Lenderman songs.