RESOLUTION UPDATE

Keeping our New Year Resolutions is hard – we need all the help we can get.

My initial resolutions borrowed from my ‘Lent strategy’ – giving up things I don’t use, do or do much of. These included giving up: penicillin (allergic), whiskey (too many international incidents in my past), and ballroom dancing (check the YouTube videos).

I annually give up using the F word; after watching an Irish movie, I’ve substituted fecking. I’m not sure what it means, but they sure used it a lot, and it worked as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb – even a gerund! – and unfeckingbelievably fit in the middle of a word. This resolution I’m fecking killing!   

My Captor has been very helpful, but she vetoed the ‘Lent strategy’, and seems to know the exact calorie count of every baked good or beer I consume.

And thanks to all the ‘smart’ devices we have in our homes, there’s lots of helpful technology.

Like most, my primary resolution was to lose weight. I thought it would be helpful to buy a new scale and chart my progress on a daily basis.

I bought a talking metric scale, which helped achieve a 2^nd resolution: To be more international and worldly.

Now my weight was measured in stones, and with the conversion of pounds to stones 14 to 1, I felt much lighter – I’m already down to 13 stones. Or thereabouts.

And I’ve lost several centimeters as well.

Plus, I received multiple ascots as Christmas gifts from friends who wanted me to achieve internationalness. And boy, do I look fecking continental!

But I had to return the metric scale – it kept shouting “mind the widening gap” – for a ‘smart’ scale, which provides daily readings and helpful ‘motivation’.

On mornings following a beer or two the night before, it tells me I’ve gained “a whole bunch of pounds”, reminds me of the exact calorie count of an IPA, and the number of centimeters required to work them off.

After real binge nights it asks “Is there someone with you”?

All in a voice sounding suspiciously like My Captor. And then asks if I want to switch to the stone setting.

Other devices try to help as well.

Alexa frequently glows yellow and asks “From Amazon shopping – would you like me to add a treadmill to your cart”?

My laptop sends an error message whenever I mis-type: ‘Fat fingered again? Alexa can help’.

I listened to “Hamlet” on my Kindle, and swear it said “Tubby or not Tubby”. (You’re right, that was turrible).

The air fryer’s ‘oreo’ setting has been disabled.

The ROKU TV plays old Jane Fonda workout videos, which are helpful, but the funky headband clashes with my ascot.

I did resolve to live with less phone time, but Siri reminds me of all her great apps and fun times we’ve had searching together. Though after the most recent IOS update, only the Fitness app will open, accompanied by a shaming sound.  

But my most successful resolution has been to help others with their resolutions: Those who can’t do, teach.

Though I wonder if my efforts are appreciated.

I motivate my friends, asking “Is this all you expect of yourself?”, “Don’t you want to be the person you’ve always dreamed of?”

Committed to motivating others, I even answered “Yes” when asked “Does this make my butt look big?”

That last thing I’d advise against. Strongly advise against…

Unless you’re resolved to sleep on the couch.

But I’ve really helped my friends trying to quit swearing  – and are they fecking grateful!

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Or just forward this to everyone you know. Forward it to those you aren’t fond of twice.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS (FIND YOUR OWN DAMN LYRICS!):

I Don’t believe you  Magnetic Fields

This Year  Mountain Goats

Should Have Known Better  Sufjan Stevens

Scarlet Begonias  Grateful Dead

Miracle Man  Elvis Costello