The scene opens on a majestic Canadian mountain scape. We see a mounted policeman, who appears startled, but enjoying himself.
He rides into a small town, which is abuzz with excitement about the upcoming festival!
A festive stage has been built, a crowd gathers as a well-dressed man takes the stage and announces:
Fellow Canadians, I come bearing vaccines! The Molson Company is generously donating their recently developed vaccine to make your “Covid 19 Festival – sponsored by Hallmark” a success.
(Man from Crowd): No way would I take a vaccine developed by that Trudeau kid – not only can’t he grow a decent beard, but he roots for an American hockey team!
Well Dressed Man (WMD): “There’s nothing to fear – these vaccines have been clinically tested in a bar in Ottawa and no one got sick. From the vaccine.”
(The crowd murmurs): Murmur, murmur, murmur…
An audible gasp is heard as a lone man advances…
“I am Guy de Fauchie, Director of the CCDC -and Commissioner of the NHL – and you can trust me, these vaccines are safe!”
A woman in the crowd shouts “I’m in – jab me up!”
(WDM): “Listen to my fiancé – everybody get jabbed! (Flash mob dance briefly breaks out). The U.S. border has re-opened- after your jab you can head to Florida for the winter, drink OJ that isn’t from frozen concentrate, and dream about zero income tax.”
The Mountie approaches the woman: “Nell, is it really you?”
Nell replies: “Dudley? When did you join the Mounties?”
Mountie: “I joined to forget you, after you went away to hockey camp and fell in love with that – that – goon! I was a fool! I loved you and was heartbroken!”
Nell: “He was a goon – he accumulated so many penalty minutes for unnecessary roughness that we never saw each other. Though I only left for hockey camp after my parents died in that mine shaft accident. And, after I overheard a random conversation that probably wasn’t about you, but made me doubt you.”
(M): “You were the only one I ever loved!”
The Mountie’s horse whinnies loudly and gives the Mountie an angry look.
Nell: “I’m sorry about that, and I think I still love you, but the Well Dressed Man said he loves me, and wants to marry me. Particularly since he heard I’m inheriting the town after my parents died.”
(M): “Do you love him? Are you sure?”
Nell: “Pretty sure, but I do feel pressured. I have a project that will require me to work Christmas Eve, and then I have to take a flight on Christmas night. It has really ratcheted up the dramatic tension.”
An odd, beeping sound is heard.
(M): “That’s my portable faux machine. Since the ‘Defund the Mounties’ movement, our technology budget has been slashed. My walkie talkie is a painted potato”.
After checking the faux machine, he rushes forward and announces:
“The Well Dressed Man is a fraud! He is a developer who will take over the town after you all head to Florida!”
Guy De Fauchie faces the crowd. “I too am a fraud, and ashamed to admit that the vaccine is really liquefied poutine!”
(Man in crowd): “It may have zero efficacy – can I say that in mixed company? – but is much tastier than Pfizer. And real cheese curds!”
(M): “Take them both away! I knew they couldn’t be trusted – I saw them watching Christmas movies on Lifetime!”
(WDM): “I thought I’d get away with it – that’s what the script said!”
The Mountie and Nell meet and kiss.
(M): I love you Nell.
(Nell): I think I love you too, but since our 2 hours is aboot up, you’re my only option, so I’m all in.”
As we fade out, there is no “elderly Santa Claus type” with a twinkle in his eye – where is Ed Asner when you need him? Or even John Candy?
HAPPY BOXING DAY!
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
One of the Best Ones Bruce Cockburn
Guess I’d get along without you, If I had no choice
It’s taken me this long to find you, Done a lot of getting ready for this
Some things we learn so slow, But look at you, you’ve got plenty behind you
There’s lots of ways to hit the ground
Not many answers to be found
We’re faced with mysteries profound
And this is one of the best ones
One of the best ones
This is one of the best ones
There are eight million mysteries, In the naked body
Can’t even sight on some distant horizon, Like the nine billion names of God
Don’t bring you any closer, To anyone you can simply set eyes on
But in the same way it’s as real, Don’t always recognize what I feel
But of the dancing scenes that life reveals, This is one of the best ones
One of the best ones, This is one of the best ones
Say what you will, There’s no snake oil or pill
Can make love less painful or fine,
There’s no theatre, Even of the absurd
Can express what goes on in this meeting of hearts and minds
Guess I’d get along without you, If I had no choice
But please never make it so I have to
Paid a lot of dues to get here, And after all this life
I’m a loser if I don’t live with you
There’s lots of ways to hit the ground, Not many answers to be found
We’re faced with mysteries profound
And this is one of the best ones, This is one of the best ones
One of the best ones
This is one of the best ones
Long May You Run Stills-Young Band
We’ve been through, Some things together
With trunks of memories, Still to come
We found things to do, In stormy weather
Long may you run.
Long may you run., Long may you run.
Although these changes, Have come
With your chrome heart shining, In the sun
Long may you run.
Well, it was, Back in Blind River in 1962
When I last saw you alive
But we missed that shift, On the long decline
Long may you run.
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun, Long may you run.
Maybe The Beach Boys, Have got you now
With those waves, Singing “Caroline No”
Rollin’ down, That empty ocean road
Gettin’ to the surf on time.
Long may you run., Long may you run.
Although these changes, Have come
With your chrome heart shining, In the sun
Long may you run
River Joni Mitchell
It’s coming on Christmas, They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer, And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
But it don’t snow here, It stays pretty green
I’m going to make a lot of money, Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me, You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty, Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
I’m so hard to handle, I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost the best baby, That I ever had
Oh, I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye
It’s coming on Christmas, They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer, Singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
Bird On A Wire Leonard Cohen
Like a bird on the wire, Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free
Like a worm on a hook, Like a knight from some old-fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee
If I, if I have been unkind, I hope that you can just let it go by
If I, if I have been untrue, I hope you know it was never to you
For like a baby, stillborn, Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me, But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong, I will make it all up to thee
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch, He said to me, “you must not ask for so much”
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door
She cried to me, “hey, why not ask for more?”, Oh, like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free
TKO (Boxing Day) Elvis Costello (Diana Krall’s husband)
You can run all you like from the classroom or the cot
From a great big man or a tiny tot
But from this day everyday will be Boxing Day
Don’t need your indecision let there be no doubt
Don’t need you permission I can count you out
TKO
They put the numb into number they put the cut into cutie
They put the slum into slumber and the boot into beauty
But from this day everyday will be Boxing Day
It’s a fight to the finish let there be no doubt, As the seconds turn into minutes I can count you out
TKO
You need a back to break or a back to stab
Now your birthday suit looks dull and drab
But from this day everyday will be Boxing Day
Now you don’t look so glamorous, Whenever I feel so amorous
I can count you out
TKO
I’ve Been Everywhere Hank Snow (Who knew he was Canadian?)
I was toting my pack along the long dusty Winnamucka road
When along came a semi with a high canvas covered load
If your going to Winnamucka, Mack with me you can ride
So I climbed into the cab and then I settled down inside
He asked me if I’d seen a road with so much dust and sand
And I said, “Listen, bud! I’ve travelled every road in this here land”
I’ve been everywhere, man, I’ve been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man, I’ve breath the mountain air, man
Travel – I’ve had my share, man, I’ve been everywhere
Been in Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota
Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota
Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma
Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma
Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador, Amarillo
Tocopilla, Barranquilla and Padilla
I’m a killer
I’ve been everywhere, man, I’ve been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man, I’ve breath the mountain air, man
Travel – I’ve had my share, man, I’ve been everywhere
Boston, Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana
Washington, Houston, Kingston, Texarkana
Monterey, Ferriday, Santa Fe, Tallapoosa
Glen Rock, Black Rock, Oskaloosa
Tennessee, Hennessey, Chicopee, Spirit Lake
Grand Lake, Devil’s Lake, Crater Lake, for Pete’s sake
Louisville, Nashville, Knoxville, Ombabika
Shefferville, Jacksonville, Waterville, Costa Rica
Pittsfiels, Springfield, Bakersfield, Shreveport
Hackensack, Cadillac, Fond du Lac, Davenport
Idaho, Jellicoe, Argentina, Damontina
Pasadena, Catalina, see what I mean
Pittsburgh, Parkersburg, Gravellburg, Colorado
Ellensburg, Rexburg, Vicksburg, Eldorado
Larrimore, Atmore, Haverstraw, Chattanika
Chaska, Nebraska, Alaska, Opelika
Baraboo, Waterloo, Kalamazoo, Kansas City
Souix City, Cedar City, Dodge City, what a pity
I’ve been everywhere, man
I’ve been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I’ve breath the mountain air, man
Travel – I’ve had my share, man
I’ve been everywhere
Christmas Must Be Tonight The Band
Come down to the manger, see the little stranger
Wrapped in swaddling clothes, the prince of peace
Wheels start turning, torches start burning
And the old wise men journey from the East
How a little baby boy bring the people so much joy
Son of a carpenter, Mary carried the light
This must be Christmas, must be tonight
A shepherd on a hillside, while over my flock I bide
Oh a cold winter night a band of angels sing
In a dream I heard a voice saying “fear not, come rejoice
It’s the end of the beginning, praise the new born king”
I saw it with my own eyes, written up in the skies
But why a simple herdsmen such as I
And then it came to pass, he was born at last
Right below the star that shines on high
How a little baby boy bring the people so much joy
Son of a carpenter, Mary carried the light
This must be Christmas, must be tonight
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