I’ve always wanted to be popular. 

Haven’t we all?

My goal for this website is one million followers and ‘influencer’ status, which is modern Latin for popular.

And I’m close, recently securing my 37th follower – up from just 36 a year ago.

As part of my popularity drive, I’ve added an Instagram presence; I recently secured my 37th follower, up from 36 a month ago. And I’ve received multiple licks, which I’m praying is a typo.

As part of my research, I checked out Instagram thoroughly. While I was thankful for all the unsolicited, commercial sites sent my way, I joined a few ‘social sites’.

One group was fighting for the reunification of North and South Dakota. I had no idea Fargo was on the border between the states, and the group’s rallying cry was “Mr. Governor, tear down that Fargo Wall!” Their demands made sense: Appoint a bison to the Supreme Court, make the Corn Palace the Western White House, and add another drive thru lane on the Billings Chick-Fil-A.

And with reunification, Canada would be that much closer.

My favorite site featured ‘Cat Mitzvah’ videos, with emotional scenes of cats “coming of age”, and the mewing of the Torah. Though after ‘passing the catnip’ no one feels much like dancing the Horah, but the guests chase a plastic mouse around the ballroom.

Unfortunately, the videos were ultimately sad, as the cats of honor were completely indifferent to their guests, went for a walk, and didn’t return for a week.  

I regretted joining the ‘Mean Girls’ site; I assumed it was for Female Mathletes, but it really was mean girls – triggering flashbacks to my single days. And their demands called for removal of body parts I’m quite fond of.

In our younger days, we try hard not to stand out, so lobbying for attention is counter-intuitive to me.

Many were popular for being “that kind of girl”, but after starting the rumor I was “that kind of boy” not much happened.

The hardest part of high school was lunch; I would pray that I knew at least one person to eat with, and if not, hide in my locker for 30 minutes.

But perhaps I was more popular that I thought: My 50th high school reunion is this May, and based upon all the letters and emails they’ve sent, they may call it off if I don’t show.

All top of mind as I watch our grandchildren head into their ‘popularity matters’ phase.

For the pre-school set, play dates are a positive sign – though later they could be marriage enders.

The sleepover phase is next, and also a positive sign – though later they could be marriage enders.

I fear mothers are trying too hard to impress: One play date featured sampling Northern Italian cuisine, and a sleep over was black tie preferred.

If asked, I would warn that popularity comes at a cost, if your approach is to be like everyone else.

And recount my high school experience; while reading Hemingway’s “For Whom the Corn Boils”, his medic experiences during the Dakotas Civil War, we were assigned an in-class project to highlight differences. In response, the class hung my tie from one row of the overhead lights, the rest of the class’ ties from the other.   

I think it was meant as a positive, which is how I choose to remember it.

But they will have to sort out being popular while remaining ‘your true self’.

And popularity vs. friendship.

I could offer my Father-In-Law’s advice: “You can count your true friends on one hand – and maybe have fingers left over”, but that’s a lesson they’ll have to learn for themselves.  

 For 98 more posts like this –each with a high school yearbook – go to beersatthenifty.com

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AND NEXT WEEK IS POST #100!!

Popular  Nada Surf

Three important rules for breaking up
Don’t put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don’t make a big production
Don’t make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear-jerking scene
If you want to date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you’ve gone together for only a short time,
And haven’t been too serious
There’s still a feeling of rejection when someone says
She prefers the company of others to your exclusive company
But if you’re honest, and direct
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you break the news
The boy will respect you for your frankness
And honestly he’ll appreciate the kind of straightforward manner in which you told him your decision
Unless he’s a real jerk or a crybaby you will remain friends

I’m head of the class, I’m popular
I’m a quarterback, I’m popular

My mom says I’m a catch, I’m popular
I’m never last picked, I got a cheerleading chick

Being attractive is the most important thing there is
If you want to catch the biggest fish in your pond
You have to be as attractive as possible
Make sure to keep your hair spotless and clean

Wash it at least every two weeks, Once every two weeks
And if you see Jonny football hero in the hall
Tell him he played a great game, Tell him you liked his article in the newspaper

I’m the party star, I’m popular
I got my own car, I’m popular

I’ll never get caught, I’m popular
I make football bets, I’m a teacher’s pet

I propose we support a one-month limit on going steady
I think it will keep people more able to deal with weird situations
And get to know more people
I think if you’re ready to go out with Johnny
Now’s the time to tell him about your one-month limit
He won’t mind, he’ll appreciate your fresh look on dating
And once you’ve dated someone else you can date him again
I’m sure he’ll like did
Everyone will appreciate it
You’re so novel, what a good idea
You can keep you time to yourself
You don’t need date insurance
You can go out with whoever you want to
Every boy, every boy, in the whole world could be yours
If you’ll just listen to my plan
The Teenage Guide To popularity

I’m head of the class, I’m popular
I’m a quarterback, I’m popular

My mom says I’m a catch, I’m popular
I’m never last picked, I got a cheerleading chick

I’m the party star, I’m popular
I’ve got my own car, I’m popular

I’ll never get caught, I’m popular
I’m a teacher’s pet, I make football bets

My Old School  Steely Dan

I remember the thirty-five sweet goodbyes
When you put me on the Wolverine up to Annandale
It was still September
When your daddy was quite surprised
To find you with the working girls in the county jail
I was smoking with the boys upstairs when I
Heard about the whole affair, I said oh no
William and Mary won’t do

Well, I did not think the girl, Could be so cruel
And I’m never going back, To my old school

Oleanders growing outside her door
Soon they’re gonna be in bloom up in Annandale
I can’t stand her
Doing what she did before
Living like a gypsy queen in a fairy tale
Well, I hear the whistle but I can’t go, I’m gonna
Take her down to Mexico, she said oh no
Guadalajara won’t do

Well, I did not think the girl, Could be so cruel
And I’m never going back, To my old school

California tumbles into the sea
That’ll be the day I go back to Annandale
Tried to warn you, About Chino and Daddy Gee
But I can’t seem to get to you through the U.S. Mail
Well I hear the whistle but I can’t go, I’m gonna
Take her down to Mexico, she said oh no
Guadalajara won’t do

Well, I did not think the girl
Could be so cruel
And I’m never going back
To my old school

Better Things  The Kinks Today is a good day to re-discover The Kinks!!

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme, And the very best of choruses, too
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way

Here’s hoping all the days ahead
Won’t be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead, And somehow happiness will find you
Forget what happened yesterday
I know that better things are on the way

It’s really good to see you rocking out, And having fun
Living like you’ve just begun
Accept your life and what it brings
I hope tomorrow you’ll find better things
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme
And the very best of choruses, too
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way

I know you’ve got a lot of good things happening up ahead
The past is gone, it’s all been said
So here’s to what the future brings
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things

Suit of Lights  Elvis Costello Today is a good day to re-discover King of America

While Nat King Cole sings “Welcome To My World”
You request some song you hate, you sentimental fool
And it’s the force of habit
If it moves then you fuck it, If it doesn’t move you stab it

And I thought I heard “The Working Man’s Blues”
He went to work that night and wasted his breath
Outside there was a public execution
Inside he died a thousand deaths

And they pulled him out of the cold cold ground
And they put him in a suit of lights

In the perforated first editions
Where they advocate the hangman’s noose
Then tell the sorry tale of the spent Princess
Her uncouth escort looking down her dress

Anyway they say that she wears the trousers
And learnt everything that she does
And doesn’t know if she should tell him yes
Or let him go

And they pulled him out of the cold cold ground
And they put him in a suit of lights

Well it’s a dog’s life in a rope leash or a diamond collar
It’s enough to make you think right now
But you don’t bother
For goodness sake as you cry and shake
Let’s keep you face down in the dirt where you belong
And think of all the pleasure that it brings
Though you know that it’s wrong

And there’s still life in your body
But most of it’s leaving
Can’t you give us all a break
Can’t you stop breathing

And I thought I heard “The Working Man’s Blues”
I went to work that night and wasted my breath
Outside they’re painting tar on somebody
It’s the closest to a work of art that they will ever be

And they pulled him out of the cold cold ground
And they pulled him out of the cold cold ground
And they pulled him out of the cold cold ground
And they put him in a suit of lights
And they put him in a suit of lights
And they put him in a suit of lights

Librarian  My Morning Jacket

Walk across the courtyard, towards the library
I can hear the insects buzz and the leaves ‘neath my feet
Ramble up the stairwell, into the hall of books
Since we got the interweb these hardly get used
Duck into the men’s room, combing through my hair
When god gave us mirrors he had no idea
Looking for a lesson in the periodicals
There I spy you listening to the AM radio
Karen of the carpenters, singing in the rain
Another lovely victim of the mirror’s evil way
It’s not like you’re not trying, with a pencil in your hair
To defy the beauty the good lord put in there
Simple little bookworm, buried underneath
Is the sexiest librarian
Take off those glasses and let down your hair for me
So I watch you thru the bookcase, imagining a scene
You and I at dinner, spending time, then to sleep
And what then would I say to you, lying there in bed?
These words, with a kiss, I would plant in your head
“What is it inside our heads that makes us do the opposite?
Makes us do the opposite of what’s right for us?
Cause everything’d be great, and everything’d be good
If everybody gave like everybody could”
Sweetest little bookworm
Hidden underneath, Is the sexiest librarian
Take off those glasses and let down your hair for me
Take off those glasses and let down your hair for me
Simple little beauty, heaven in your breath
The simplest of pleasures, the world at it’s best