PODCASTING!

Went to a party last weekend, I was the only one there who didn’t have a podcast.

While I’ve never actually listened to a podcast – though I did get Joe Rogan and Keith Morrison tattoos that oscillate when I flex – I knew if I wanted to fit in, I’d better start one.

I began my research: In 2022, there were 5 million podcasts with more than 50 million episodes. I started by listening to each of them, which took a while.  

Oddly, half of the podcasts were about how to start a podcast, half were about what to do when you have no listeners, and the third half questioned the accuracy of fractions.

The first challenge was choosing how to ‘cast’.

I tried ‘casting’ into an empty Coke can, but heavy reverb – and I accidentally recycled the can; shifted to flag semaphoring, which was confusing but qualified for a government ‘alternate energy source’ subsidy; and moved on to telepathy. The latter failed, because most of the time, even I don’t understand what I’m thinking.

Finally, I began ‘livescreaming’ in my front yard, which worked well.

The next challenge, what to pod about.  

My first try was “True, but not interesting”, which allowed me to tell the gripping stories people seem to love at parties – so much, they call others over to listen, while they “go get another drink”.

Next was “Debunk me? No, debunk you!”, investigating the national sport of debunking: I disagree – – Debunked!   

Which unfortunately describes the fourth half of all podcasts.

So, I tried politics, which seem popular, and non-controversial.

My first ‘pod’ was “Biden sucks”, which half of my listeners agreed with.

My second ‘pod’ was “Trump sucks”, which half of my listeners agreed with.  

But those who disagreed seemed pretty angry – even those who agreed seemed angry – and threatened removal of my internal organs, which are among my favorite body parts, so next…

“I know you are, but what am I”, which responded to the hateful things that had been said to and about me during my ‘political phase’.

Making my listeners even angrier.

So I tried “I know you are, but so am I”, an attempt to build consensus with my listeners, but I was angrily denounced for trying to build consensus.

I pivoted to “What about that guy?”, which examined people you see and think to yourself “What’s up with that guy?”

Like people who walk their dogs in strollers, offer you a bite of something that “tastes terrible”, or who can define goatee without stroking their chin.

Desperate when it became apparent I was my only listener – My Captor had shut the front door, so she couldn’t hear me out front – I tried ‘casting’ on TikTok. I knew the Chinese Communists were stealing my personal info, but at least someone was paying attention.

But I hit podcast gold with “Why are you so angry?”

Turns out, pretty much everyone is pretty much angry about pretty much everything.

Which pretty much described listener call-ins and comments in a nutshell.

People angried about:

Daylight Savings Time – I won’t wait until November to get my hour back!

Larger bases for MLB – corporate imperialists seizing more territory!  

And What’s wrong with me walking my dog in a stroller?  

All the anger was bunking crazy, so I got out of the podcast game.

But if I start again, my first ‘cast’ will be “Aren’t we lucky”? to live in a country where any jackelope can start a podcast and say whatever they want?

For 165 more posts like this –each with a wish for a podcast on wishes – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or, at the site, leave a comment on this post, and then check the box that says “Please notify me of future posts” and you will be sent the newest Sunday update automatically.  

Easier yet, when you read a post, after 15 seconds you’ll be given the chance to become a subscriber: Life gets better and better!

Or just forward this to everyone you know. Forward it to those you aren’t fond of twice.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Having never listened to a podcast, I can’t recommend a podcast about music. Oh well.

But The Weakerthans were a Canadian band active from ’97-’14, and were quite good. Of late, I have taken to listening to them as I finish my final post draft. Check out: Plea from a cat named virtue, One Great City, Sun in an empty room, or A new Name for Everything. Find your own damn lyrics.