UP PERISCOPE!

Had I known I’d live this long, I would have tried to be someone else.

But old personalities die hard, so I’m stuck – though I do enjoy hanging with myself at parties.

In an effort to keep living, I recently had a colonoscopy – routine procedure, but any medical intervention invites mild anxiety and thoughts of mortality.

But fitting nicely into our ‘Old People Activities’: Worrying about each other’s health, Checking one’s phone for new Grandkid photos, and WOF/J hour.

The worry thing complementing an ‘Old People Group Activity’ – the “Organ Recital” – when reconnecting friends provide updates on diseases and/or ailments they’ve suffered.  

My Captor and I worry about each other obsessively – nearly a full-time job, 42% of our daily conversation the phrase “Are you OK?” (Another 42% “What’s for dinner?” and the final 42% debating which vowel to buy) – so the colonoscopy and required prep all consuming.

‘Old People Activities’ very different from ‘Young People Activities’: How many likes for their Instagram post of the Little League parade, Checking their phones for ‘other people’s kids’ photos, and some incomprehensible streaming series.

And which of them will check out that screaming coming from the kid’s bedroom.  

By now, I’m very aware if you live long enough, every indignity will be visited upon you, so whenever wearing a hospital gown I leave it untied to ‘get even’ with onlookers.

How many R’s in horrified?

And I’ve had internal organs removed– they’d quit working anyway, and made yummy party dips – kidney failure – it got better, but wouldn’t recommend dialysis as a party game, try ‘Rx Trivia’, matching the medication with the potential side effects – and adult acne, making my untied hospital gown even more attention getting.

The colonoscopy’s a ‘simple’ procedure, but after performing my own vasectomy, I returned the DIY At-Home kit I’d bought and went the hospital route.

And despite not telling anyone about the test, still got calls wondering if they could have my baseball cards if I didn’t make it…

The prep slightly better than the 5 years ago version, essentially the reverse of my 15 year-old  ‘Peppermint Schnapps night’. Suffice to say I ran out of things to check on my phone.

But the day of fasting made me feel ‘Gandhi-like’, finally understanding what he had against meat.

Fortunately, I was scheduled early, but still had to wait a bit – though hooked up to the IV I couldn’t wander the halls to ‘wow the crowd’.

And since a consultant had recently advised the hospital to secure 5-star reviews through “Focusing on the Fun Side!” of medicine, my morning was entertaining:

The Dr. doing the test ‘pretended’ he was “There for my hysterectomy” – seemed a lot funnier medicated.

The anesthesiologist carried a giant mallet – bringing back memories of being put under as a child – seemed frightening medicated – but fortunately Medicare covered the upgrade to “being smothered with a pillow”.

And while under, I dreamt of heaven, featuring the 6-hour erection I’d heard so much about.

Test completed, revived, the Dr. said he’d removed 3 polyps – which he’d named John, Paul, and George – the Island notoriously anti-Ringo, and things looked clear.

Except they also found the Sorcerer’s Stone, and a quarter I’d swallowed as a kid.

But the good news – which these days is the absence of bad news – reminded of a ‘life caution’:

“There’s always something…

… Walk down the street long enough, eventually a piano will fall on your head”.

Reminding once again: If you take any of this for granted, you ain’t paying attention…

For 220 more posts like this –each with a wish for a hint on what the colon does– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

And I’m now on Substack at justluckytobehere.substack.com. Same stuff, but a different location.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Aging Hipster Geek-Out (part 2): After discovering – 30 years belatedly – Joe Strummer had briefly fronted the Pogues, I’ve devoted a few days listening to The Clash, and then Strummer w/ the Mescaleros, and Mick Jone’s follow-up, Big Audio Dynamite.

For you kids out there, you might have the mistaken impression Disco was a good thing. It wasn’t. (Shakes Fist Angrily). The music was dreadful and the fashions it inspired worse – at least our fashion mistakes passed, today’s poor judgment – tattoos – will fade badly.  In 1977, the New Wave movement kicked disco to the curb. Led by ‘Angry Young Men’ like Elvis, Joe Jackson and the Ramones – and in particular, the Clash – rock was back. And fast paced, angry rock at that. But
I’ve been mainlining the Clash for a couple of days – all great, but London Calling and Sandanista all-timers.

Find the 2003 Grammys Tribute to Strummer on You-Tube, when an all-star band led by Bruce and Elvis – and Pete Thomas on the drums! – cover London Calling. Fun moment: Tony Bennett applauding at the end. A great Grammys  – the award show equivalent of Disco – moment.

Lots of BATN playlist additions: ‘London Calling’ (the other classic FM station plays you’ll have to find for yourself), ‘Lose This Skin’ ‘The Magnificent Seven’ ‘Go Straight to Hell’ ‘This is Radio Clash’ and ‘Hitsville UK’  – mind bending sounds all. From Strummer’s later side projects: ‘Bindhi Bhagee’, ‘X-Ray Style’ and ‘Yalla Yalla’, from Big Audio Dynamite: ‘James Brown’, ‘E=MC2’, and ‘Rush’.