As I age and head for the on-deck circle of death – but relieved that I am no longer designated “medically fragile” as in the early COVID days – I find myself becoming more reflective.
It could be the glare off my expanding forehead, but I believe it is a desire to share what I’ve learned from my 40+ years of parenting. Today’s lesson:
Part of successful parenting is keeping secrets from your children.
And sometimes it involves keeping the kids separated based upon their current grievances, to avoid them from ganging up on you, or even unionizing and forcing you out of the family.
Keeping secrets may seem odd, or cruel, but it can be one of the most fun parts of parenting.
But there are other secrets – like “the talk” – that should be kept secret, like when we were kids. There are pieces of that I’m still unclear on, and I have 6 children.
For good secrets, it means more when they figure it out for themselves.
For bad secrets, time and maturity help with processing and acceptance. But there still may be a wave of litigation filed against parents for “Bad parenting”, seeking punitive damages for the way this generation turns out.
Bad secret: Life ain’t fair. Success isn’t guaranteed.
You may be a straight A/4.17 GPA student who ranks 87th in their class, but it could be grade inflation – a recent HS graduation lasted 8 hours, to accommodate the speeches given by the 53 Valedictorians.
Not everyone will think you’re ‘truly special’
… but hey, the world can always use more lawyers “fighting for justice”.
Good secret: You were lucky to be born an American. Don’t believe the anti-hype.
The best part of international travel is coming home, to be reminded how lucky we are to live in America. Opportunity is still out there. And you couldn’t afford to live in Europe.
Good (bad?) secret: Your word is your bond. Your reputation is critical – good or bad.
When you say you’re going to do something, do it.
Bad secret: Success is tricky. And largely definitional.
You have to figure out what truly matters, what defines success.
This is tricky for parents: it has to be demonstrated through actions, not words. Don’t you hate it when that happens…
Bad (good?) secret: Be careful with your money. The future will be here shortly.
I’ve given up on one of my children balancing their checkbook, but treat your money with respect, or like a friend who you don’t totally trust.
Good secret: Be nice to people. It is actually easier than being a jerk.
And good for your blood pressure.
“The same dudes you misuse on the way up, you might meet up on the way down.”
Bad secret: Compromise is essential. Perspective matters.
Lose – and win – graciously.
Badder secret: Don’t believe anything you see or hear. Skepticism is your friend.
Thoreau advised to “follow your conscience”, and “the Red Sox will win it all someday”, but also to not follow “unjust laws”. To quote myself, “Fear your government” and “It ain’t your guns they want, it’s your voice.” Today, ongoing ineffectual mask mandates, tomorrow, “You can’t post that on social media!”
Good secret: If you take any of this for granted, you’re not paying attention. Life is short. Maybe too short.
Once learned, this secret forces you to realize what is truly important: family and friends.
And to remind ourselves that if you have a loved one we haven’t told “I love you” lately, say it now.
Always say it now.
But perhaps the most important secret: Your kids will have to figure all this out for themselves, and there are times you need to just get out of their way.
Which is both exhilarating – and terrifying.
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
On Your Way Down Allen Toussaint
Sunrise, Sunset
Since the beginning it hasn’t changed yet
People fly high begin to lose sight
You can’t see very clearly when you’re in flight
Vintage wines from the year ’62, It’s your thing, it’s your thing
It pleases you
You got to frown when you cross town
You think it’s an honor just to have you around
You think the sun rises and sets for you
But the same sun rises, sets and shines
On the poor folks too
I don’t mind you turning round
I myself would even like a little higher ground
It’s high time that you found
The same people you walk on on your way up
You might meet up
On your way down
Ooh La La Faces
Poor old Granddad, I laughed at all his words
I thought he was a bitter man
He spoke of women’s ways, They’ll trap you when they use you
Before you even know, For love is blind and you’re far to kind
Don’t ever let it show
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger
The can-can such a pretty show, Will steal your heart away
But backstage back on earth again
The dressing rooms are grey
They come on strong and it ain’t too long
For they make you feel a man
But love is blind and you soon will find
You’re just a boy again
When you want her lips, you get her cheek
Makes you wonder where you are
If you want some more then she’s fast asleep
Leaves you twinkling with the stars
Poor young grandson there’s nothing I can say
You’ll have to learn, just like me
And that’s the hardest way
Ooh la la
Ooh la la, la la, yeah
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I stronger
Chalkhills and Children XTC
I’m floating over strange land,
It’s a soulless, sequined, showbiz moon.
I’m floating over strange land,
And then stranger still, there’s no balloon.
But I’m getting higher,
Wafted up by fame’s fickle fire ’til the…
Chalkhills and children,
Anchor my feet.
Chalkhills and children,
Bringing me back to earth,
Eternally and ever Ermine Street.
(Even I never know where I go when my eyes are closed.)
I’m skating over thin ice,
Upon blunted blades of metal soft.
I’m skating over thin ice,
While some nonesuch net holds me aloft.
But I’m getting higher,
Lifted up on lucks’ circus wire ’til the….
Even I never know where I go when my eyes are closed.
Even I never spied that the scenes were posed.
Even I never knew this is what I’d be.
Even eyes never mean that you’re sure to see.
Still I’m getting higher,
Rolling up on three empty tyres, ’til the…
Chalkhills and children,
Anchor my feet.
Chalkhills and children,
Bringing me back to earth,
Eternally and ever Ermine Street.
I’m soaring over hushed crowds,
The reluctant cannonball it seems.
I’m soaring over hushed crowds,
I’m propelled up here by long dead dreams.
Still I’m getting higher,
Icarus regrets and retires puzzled.
Chalkhills and children,
Anchor my feet.
Chalkhills and children,
Oddly complete.
(Even I never know where I go when my eyes are all closed.)
Here I go again.
Changes David Bowie
Oh, yeah
Mmm
Still don’t know what I was waitin’ for
And my time was runnin’ wild
A million dead end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
How the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Mmm, yeah
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
And so the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re goin’ through
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame?
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time
Strange fascinations fascinate me
Ah, changes are taking
The pace I’m goin’ through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Ooh, look out, you rock ‘n’ rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Children’s Story Tom Waits
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks ’em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Okay, there’s your story!
Night-night!
Long way to the light The Waterboys
I’m sitting in my bedroom, Overlooking Findhorn Bay
Cluny Hill inn the distance, Summer on the way
Blue skies and sailing boats, Like a picture in a book
I can’t believe I got here
Or how long it took
Living one step at a time
Putting one foot in front of the other
It sure feels right, Healing on my mind
Been a long way
Been a long way to the light
I’d made it to Manhattan, Built myself a nest
I meant to get right back to doing, Exactly what I do best
Pluggin’ in an electric guitar
Leading a band
Well, if you want to give God a laugh
Tell him your plans!
Summer in the city, Wilting in the heat
Buzzing up and down to Bearsville, And back to Hudson Street
I learned meditation, And how to visualize
Just breathing, being still, Never felt more alive!
Living one step at a time…
I spent the fall in transit, Circling the moon
Like a cat on a hot tin roof, Like a fiddle without a tune
I found what I was searching for, In Mrs Caddy’s book
I had to go there straightaway, Have myself a look
I flew back to Scotland, Anticipation in my bones
The old country welcoming me, Like a prodigal coming home
I knelt and kissed the tarmac, In the wild Atlantic rain
Felt the fiery Gaelic blood, Rising in my veins
Living one step at a time…
I spent the night in Glasgow, Flew to Inverness
I found the place and at the first
I was not impressed, Nobody said hello
The faces left me cold
Back then how was I to know
All that would unfold?
I entered the Sanctuary, Heard the voice of a girl
Sending out a circle of light, Clear across the world
I shuddered in the Power, Like a seedling in a storm
I’ve been traveling to this place
Since the moment I was born
Flew back to New York City, Singing the big city blues
The sand of Findhorn Bay, Still clingin’ to my shoes
I tried to re-start my life, But the life I knew was gone
I had to let go everything, But that’s another song!
Living one step at a time…
So I’m sitting in my bedroom, Overlooking Findhorn Bay
Cluny Hill in the distance, Summer on the way
I’m watching sailing boats, Bobbing to and fro
Time to hit the road
The only way I know…
Living one step at a time…