OUR CHRISTMAS LETTER 2024

You may not have been mailed – or received, thanks to the USPS – so I’m posting it now.

CHRISTMAS 2024   THE CHESS FAMILY

Dear Occupant:

It’s been a weird year.

Most of you know we lost our youngest son Danny on September 13^th, he succumbing to depression and dying by suicide. While I can’t say it was completely unexpected, the timing caught us off guard, as the family consensus was “He was doing fine”.

He and Matt lived and worked together, and their conversation the night before the ‘event’ was positive – even optimistic. Peter had been in ATL for the GA-Clemson weekend, the 4 brothers spent a lot of time together, the “He’s doing great” diagnosis shared by his brothers.

Depression is very difficult to understand for those who don’t share the condition. Your initial instinct is to remind them how great life is, how lucky they are, how loved they are, all of which Dan knew and acknowledged – it obviously wasn’t enough.

But confusion over Why then? aside, each family member dealing with our loss in their own way, and as a parent I’m worried about each of them in a unique way, as their personal conditions are so different.

Suffice to say, everyone is pushing forward: Some days/moments better than others, but all aware we honor Dan by living our best lives, while balancing the happy and sad.

Underneath the ‘grief rubble’ we remember how lucky we are:

Our friends have been amazing and ever present – helping pull us forward. They’ve also been accepting of Dan’s act: Mental health issues are everywhere in America, everyone is/has been touched by it, and we’ve met nothing but understanding. We’ve got a pile of unwritten thank you notes, but know how much we appreciate your love and support – keep it coming.

Our extended families have also been amazing and ever present. From giving up a vacation to spend a week with us, to everything you’ve done to keep us sane and recovering, thank you. I know we’ve said thanks countless times, but this is one more.

Our children and their spouses have been amazing. Each remembering their unique relationship with Dan, and savoring the great memories: He knew how much he was loved by each of them, remembered now as a “gentle giant”.

But everyone understands he just didn’t fit here.

In a bit of cruel irony, my brother Dan was murdered by a drunk driver 35 years ago, which was the catalyst for this Christmas letter.

What I wrote then works now, and here it is excerpted:

THE CHESS FAMILY CHRISTMAS 1989

 DEAR FAMILY AND FRIENDS:

This is not going to be one of those Christmas letters where I tell you what a great year it’s been. But it has been a good year full of wonderful times and memories. We had tremendous family vacations at the beach, and in Chicago and Omaha. Katharine learned to ride a bike and started kindergarten, and Peter, Nicholas and Katharine started school at St. Josephs. Matt and Emily got another year older and better.

It also isn’t going to be a letter where I tell you what a horrible year it’s been, but the year had its horrible times and memories. My brother Dan was killed by a drunk driver on July 16, and we’ve spent months rationalizing why he was taken from us when he was on the verge of the best life has to offer – 6 weeks from his wedding and a family. I’ve never finished my thank you notes, but take this as a sincere thanks for the cards, flowers, gifts – thank you for your love and support.

But this letter is hopefully a Christmas message that reflects everything we’ve learned from a year of good and bad – like every other year.

We’ve learned the random makes one appreciate the routine.

Our boring lives are unpredictable, the unpredictability making us realize how lucky we are to have our day-to-day blessings: Without thorns, no roses.

We’ve learned family and friends are the most important things in life. Christmas an amazing time to pull them close and tell them how much you love them. The importance of family a universal truth than can be easily forgotten…

And we’ve learned, believe it or not, optimism. Life offers nothing if not promise. Someone else always has it worse – on balance, we are lucky. With a capital L.

But my family learning: If you want to give God a laugh, tell him your plans: Because they may not happen. 

We lost our son Dan at 33, he had great relationships throughout the family, so no regrets there. He knew – but perhaps didn’t completely believe – how much he was loved.

My lesson: If you have a loved one you haven’t told you love them lately, say it now. Always say it now.

Life is both a precious – and fragile – commodity. If you take any of this for granted, you clearly aren’t paying attention.

In closing, we are reminded of what a gift it is to be able to wake up each day and appreciate the little things that make life sweet. We honor God, ourselves – and our Danny boy – by making the most of each day.

                               MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE CHESS FAMILY!

P.S. We are the Chess family, and each of us is eternally grateful for the time we had with Danny. Peace.