Humans are a flawed species.

Each of us, in our own way, flawed.

If we’re lucky, we have ‘minor’ issues: workaholics, awkward with people, bad with money – you’ve seen the types. You might even be one.

Some with major issues.

Our youngest child, our 4th son, was squarely in this group.

Though he was a happy, ‘normal’ kid, who had a happy, ‘normal’ childhood, he was always mildly unhappy.

We later learned he had depression issues throughout his life, seemingly unable to experience joy.

Which he hid like a magician.

And he died by suicide a week ago, in an admission that he didn’t fit here.

Needless to say, it has been a surreal week, full of staggering loss and grief, contrasted with the incredible kindness of friends and family.

And strangers.

Which has been the week’s highlight: The outpouring of love and support – take this as a thank you to each of you.

The prayers, food – so much food – hugs, reassuring texts, cards and emails, phone calls, have been overwhelming, helping us make it through the week.

Again, sincere thanks.

And our family has been doubly incredible as well.

His siblings were all home by the next morning, and spent the week with us, our son-in-law bringing their 3 boys for a surprise birthday celebration when I turned 70. There’s a line about light in darkness, and it was a welcome respite.

My Captor’s brother and his wife diverted from a college beach reunion to spend the week with us, and her younger sister came to the beach.

I used to believe suicide was cowardly: Leaving your ‘mess’ behind for your survivors to deal with.

I’m not sure I have the word(s) to describe my evolved view, but pragmatic works.

It’s a topic Dan and I discussed frequently, particularly after one of his close friends – maybe his best friend – died by suicide a couple of years ago.

She too had depression issues, but had done everything possible to deal with them: Therapy, exercise -she was a trained yoga instructor – diet, seemingly everything.

She then snuck off and took her own life.

Dan was devastated, and I’m not sure he ever fully recovered.

But in hindsight, it struck me as a pragmatic act: She lived with her sister, they were best friends, and she knew the impact it would have on her, and the rest of her family and friends.

But she couldn’t make it here, and made an active choice to end it.

And I believe Dan more than anyone understood her why.

It’s easy to say depression and mental health issues are an epidemic, but hard to solve for.

Is it social media? It’s now popular to blame our phone time.

Self-esteem issues? Maybe we’ve wormed ourselves so far into our children’s lives they don’t own anything.

Don’t know – only know Dan is not with us anymore and I’m not totally sure why – no note, no warning. His brothers thought he was doing great, but apparently something triggered this.

But knowing Dan, I know it was a pragmatic decision: He loved his family, and knew the pain this would cause us, but chose to end his life, in a sign he didn’t ‘fit here’.

My Captor has a prayer list of expecting women, which she rolls through on her beach walk, and I know Dan will be added.

He knew how much he was loved, but maybe didn’t fully believe it.

But he’s at peace now.

As I said at his bedside, moments before he died: I love you and will see you on the other side…

This is my 250th post! –each with a wish for more time with Danny– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:

DANNY BOY     Performed by lots of folks, including Art Linkletter and the Obamas

Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side.
The summer’s gone, and all the roses falling,
It’s you, it’s you must go and I must bide.

But come ye back when summer’s in the meadow,
Or when the valley’s hushed and white with snow,
It’s I’ll be here in sunshine or in shadow,
Oh, Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so!

But when ye come, and all the flowers are dying,
If I am dead, as dead I well may be,
You’ll come and find the place where I am lying,
And kneel and say an Ave there for me.
And I shall hear, though soft you tread above me,
And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be,
For you will bend and tell me that you love me,
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me!

25 comments

  1. Jim – That was your best post yet. Our hearts and prayers are with you, the family and especially Danny.

  2. Jim,
    I am so sorry to hear about Dan. My heart breaks for you and Mary Beth. My prayers for you and your family.
    Regards,
    Bob Platt

  3. I was so sorry to hear about Danny. You write about it so eloquently here, and Emily’s testament to him that Katharine shared was beautiful. I am glad you’ve been surrounded by the rest of the family this week. Sending love and prayers to you, Mary Beth, and the rest of the Chess family.
    Marie and George

  4. A friend of mine sent me this, as I read it, I could hear my little boy playing in the other room. Being a father, I can not fathom the pain you must be feeling. My heart truly breaks for you.

  6. Jim and Marybeth, Terry and I and our Family are so devastated and sad for you. Danny was a great kid and we will all miss him. Our prayers and thoughts are wish you all. Suffice to know, Danny walks with the Lord now. Love and Hugs th you Jim and Marybeth. Our prayers are with you.
    I always loved John Gary’s Danny Boy.

  7. Jim and Marybeth, Terry and I are saddened and devastated by Danny’s passing. He was such a good kid. Our prayers and wishes are with you and your Family. Danny walks with the Lord now so he is at peace. Our Love and Hugs to you and your Family.
    I always love John Gary’s singing of Danny Boy. God bless you Jim and Marybeth.

  9. Jim and Marybeth,
    Bob just forwarded today’s post to me. I am typing through tears. I want to give myself a bit of time to process and write more soon.
    Please know my thoughts and prayers are wrapping around both of you and your family.
    Much love,
    Pam

  11. Dear Jim , Marybeth and family. My heartfelt condolences. I am heartbroken at this news. May all the wonderful memories of times with Danny bring you peace and a smile. My love and prayers are with you.

  12. Jim and Marybeth-although we’ve never met, we share this tragedy in common. My daughter Savannah’s passing in August 2022 is still fresh in my mind, and too real that you referenced in your post. We love our children, and try and make their lives better, and unfortunately that’s not always enough. God bless you, and the Chess family. RIP Danny.

  13. Jim and Marybeth-although we’ve never met, we share this tragedy in common. My daughter Savannah’s passing in August 2022 is still fresh in my mind, and too real that you referenced in your post. We love our children, and try and make their lives better, and unfortunately that’s not always enough. God bless you, and the Chess family. RIP Danny.

  14. Mary Beth and Jim , you and your precious family have been lifted in Prayer all week .
    God does not promise understanding and knowledge in this lifetime but he does promise victory over death in the eternity .

  15. Mary Beth and Jim , you and your precious family have been lifted in Prayer all week .
    God does not promise understanding and knowledge in this lifetime but he does promise victory over death in the eternity .

  16. Beautiful, Jim.
    We don’t know exactly how the heaven experience goes,
    but if Ron can, I know he will buddy with Danny until you all arrive.
    We love you.

  17. Beautiful, Jim.
    We don’t know exactly how the heaven experience goes,
    but if Ron can, I know he will buddy with Danny until you all arrive.
    We love you.

  18. Beautiful, Jim. God surrounds you. as your heart aches.
    We don’t know exactly how the heaven experience goes,
    but if Ron can, I know he will buddy with Danny until you all arrive.
    We love the Chess family dearly.

  19. Jimmy——
    Beautifully said. Couldn’t have been an easy one to pen but you nailed it \. We arethinking of you, MB and your family every day. Hang in there !!

  20. I am sorry for your loss. What a wonderful tribute to Danny My thoughts and prayers are for you, Mary Beth, and your family

  21. Jim, MB and all, we are all so sorry. Still there are no words, just prayers and love from my family to yours.

  25. Jim and Mary Beth-
    My thoughts and prayers are for you, Mary Beth, and your family…cherish all the good memories.

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