OLD MAN RANTING

So many reasons to shake one’s fist angrily…

(Shakes fist angrily!)

A true joy of old-man hood is the Old Man Rant (OMR), especially cathartic when combined with an angrily shaken fist.

Being a truly sensitive guy, I recognized My Captor didn’t care all that much about my OMRs – she having dropped multiple hints, including “I don’t care all that much about your Old Man Rants” – so I’ve numbered them.

I then shout the OMR #, My Captor rolls her eyes, and we move on.

Try it at home – careful in public, someone may have the OMR answer key.

OMR #103: Congress! (Shakes fist angrily!)

Ooh, look at us!! We did a debt deal!!

It was bipartisan – we all got kickbacks!

Nothing better than taking a victory lap for doing your job!

But I’ll admit my family threw a party to celebrate my personal best day for ‘work e-mails sent’.

OMR #276: Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy hour (SFA!)

WOF/J hour is ‘old people paradise’, providing 2 opportunities to wake up from a quick nap and ask “Who won?”

But now that nationally only 7 American students can read or write at grade level, and even fewer know American history, some weird things are happening.

Weird enough to keep me awake.

WOF is now accepting any vaguely recognizable words strung together as correct – recently accepting “bowling trophy and sometimes Y” for ‘phrase’ – and last night, “Some old White supremacist” was accepted as correct for the US History questions on Jeopardy.  

OMR # 304: Thongs! (That fist thing!)

This is top – or bottom – of mind after the holiday weekend beach crowds. There are some things that can’t be unseen, and I’m grateful for the temporary blindness caused by the ‘punch’ our neighbors brought to the beach.

On the plus side, I wore my thong and soon we had the beach all to ourselves.

OMR # 305 Tattoos! (So much to shake over, so little time)

Also top of mind after the holiday, a source of constant amusement – particularly a full body 912, because we all want to represent Brunswick, GA!

A local ‘tat’ parlor is offering a “Great genociders of history” special: There’s Pol Pot, Stalin, and Babe Ruth, even Mao wearing a thong.

Me, I just got a Lincoln-Douglas debate tramp stamp.

OMR # 2, 27, 38, 52… Kids Today!  (Turns on automated fist shaker to save energy)

They’ll destroy the world! They don’t listen! Their ice skating technique is dreadful! Can’t drive roundabouts – they call them rotaries!

These rants never get old: We are the 17^th consecutive generation believing kids today will ruin the world.

I often wake during WOF/J hour reflexively ranting “Kids today!”

OMR 342 Personal Injury Attorney Commercials (SFA! Hurts self and calls Morgan and Morgan)

Rant cancelled – me and my fist got justice!

OMR 556 Boycott! Boycott! (Shakes fist confusedly mid-rant)

I can’t keep track anymore! I’m boycotting for and against, cancelling myself out.

Boycott ranting myself in knots – weirdly reminiscent of our honeymoon.

OMR # 307 Anyone Out There? (If a fist is shaken angrily and no one’s watching, is it really shaken?)

Today I found myself ranting “into the abyss” – no one was listening! And My Captor was not here to actively ignore me.

Which made me think “What do I have to complain about?” – I’m a lucky guy.

I would share how lucky, but I don’t “Un-Rant”.

So, I’ll continue ranting – my Doctor prescribed it as an exercise regimen – but perhaps with a little less enthusiasm…

OMR # 502  Just Kidding! Old Man Rant On! (Shakes fist even Angrilyer!)

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Elvis Costello’s lyric “I used to be disgusted, Now I try to be amused” summed up the 70s and 80s for me, and describes how you view the world as you age.

While King of America is my favorite Elvis album (tough choice, of course), I’d recommend Painted from Memory, a collaboration with Burt Bacharach, or Look Now, a great recent release – the high points with Bacharach, for Sunday listening.

Red Shoes    Elvis Costello

Oh, I used to be disgusted
And now I try to be amused
But since their wings have got rusted
You know, the angels wanna wear my red shoes
But when they told me ’bout their side of the bargain
That’s when I knew that I could not refuse
And I won’t get any older, now that angels wanna wear my red shoes

Oh, oh, I was watching while you’re dancing away
Our love got fractured in the echo and sway
How come everybody wants to be your friend?
You know that it still hurts me just to say it

Oh, I know that she’s disgusted (oh, why’s that?)
Because she’s feeling so abused (oh, that’s too bad)
She gets tired of the lust (oh, I’m so sad)
But it’s so hard to refuse
Can you say that I’m too old
When the angels have stolen my red shoes?

Oh, oh I said, “I’m so happy I could die”
She said, “Drop dead, ” then left with another guy
That’s what you get if you go chasing after vengeance
Ever since you got me punctured, this has been my sentence

Oh, I used to be disgusted
But now I try to be amused
But since their wings have got rusted
You know, the angels wanna wear my red shoes
But when they told me ’bout their side of the bargain
That’s when I knew that I could not refuse
And I won’t get any older, now that the angels wanna wear my red shoes