OLD MAN RANT: KIDS TODAY!

The parental ritual most feared is “The Talk”. By both parent and child.

That moment when we impart to our children many of the life skills – and one social skill – they will need to make it in this world.

Or not make it, depending on how successful you are at “the Talk”.

My father handled our talk through Claymation. We constructed figures from play-doh, which made for one interesting father-son project. When I told him it was disgusting, I think he knew it had worked. On the plus side, I earned my Procreation Scouting badge.

Fortunately, our neighbor was a CPA, and he handled ‘the talk’ with our children, so we were off the hook.

But I’m talking about the life skills that pass from parent to child, and the vital things my father taught me: how to skin a bear, siphon gas, and where to hide my beer during high school.

Other fathers taught their sons how to bypass the home alarm system, hot wire a car, and set diversionary fires. They grew up to be investment bankers and Bitcoin salesmen.

But so many of the life skills I shared with my children are obsolete – or ignored – and as I thought about that I worked up an Old Man Rant over “kids today” (shakes fist!).

Kids today don’t know how to write a check – do they even have checks? –address an envelope, or write a thank you note. My fantasy remains to find one of my children balancing their checkbook…

In our day, we were patient and waited to get the things we wanted. Today’s kids expect their Chia Pets to grow overnight! Immediate gratification is ruining kids and Amazon is only making it worse. Our Grandson thought the morning paper was a ‘package’ and expected Alexa to read it to him.

But we are getting a new wet mop from Amazon, which is the stuff of old people’s fantasies.

And can attention spans get any shorter? Even I’ve moved on to next week’s post.

Social media isn’t helping. Thanks to Instagram, kids today have lost interest in current events and are checking out what their friends are having for lunch. And Facebook is a veritable font of misinformation, as people’s posts make them look happy and well-adjusted.

Too much tablet time is also an issue, as parents use them to keep kids quiet when out for dinner. Our parents just kept us locked in the car.

We had respect for our elders – but after watching the Senate in session, forget that.

We addressed adults as Mr. and Mrs., while kids today call us by our first names. In the South, they sorta have respect, as kids call us Mr. Jim and Miss My Captor.  

But there were elders we avoided, like the wild haired lunatic uncle no would talk to at family reunions. Unfortunately, that is Uncle Bernie Sanders, who’s charting our nation’s spending course. Good luck future generations! But who doesn’t love free community college?

And even Grandparent names are in decline, from Grandma and Grandpa to Che’, Wrinkly old dude, and ‘Ol Titanium Hip.

Been on a flight lately? Not only are passengers horribly underdressed, but our flight attendant wore a thong, and the pilot chaps. He kept talking on the loudspeaker about being hijacked by the Cuban gentleman in 17D…

Said all that to say this: We are the 17^th consecutive generation to think the next generation will be the end of the world… (shakes fist!)

The only remaining questions : Where did our kids learn to be so irritating? And will they be able to fund our Social Security and Medicare?

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

What Do you want the Girl to do?  Allen Toussaint

(also covered by Boz Scaggs and Lowell George, among others)

“What do you want the girl to do, Don’t you know you’re breakin’ the child in two                           What do you want the girl to do, All she really wants is you
She knows what you are, Still she’ll be your queen if you let her
Just say the word today, Build the world around her

You Never Know   Wilco 

Come on, children, you’re acting like children
Every generation thinks it’s the end of the world
All you fat followers, get fit fast
Every generation thinks it’s the last, thinks it’s the end of the world

Come on, kids, you’re acting like children
Every generation thinks it’s the worst, thinks it’s the end of the world

I Might wilco

“It’s alright
You won’t set the kids on fire
Oh but I might”

12:51 The Strokes

“Talk to me now I’m older, Your friend told you ’cause I told her
Friday nights have been lonely, Change your plans and then phone me

Oh, really, your folks are away now? Alright, let’s go, you convinced me                                       12:51 is the time I found the words I sought
Is this the stage I want?
Kiss me now that I’m older, I won’t try to control you
Friday nights have been lonely, Take it slow but don’t warn me”

Here for you Neil Young

“When your summer days come tumbling down, And you find yourself alone
Then you can come back and be with me, Just close your eyes and I’ll be there
Listen to the sound Of this old heart beating for you
Yes I’d miss you, But I never want to hold you down
You might say I’m here for you

In the spring, protective arms surrounding you, In the fall, we let you go your way
Happiness I know will always find you, And when it does, I hope that it will stay”

Christmas card from a Hooker in Minneapolis  Tom Waits 

(Many believe our society peaked with the release of this song)

“Hey Charley I’m pregnant, Living on 9th Street
Right above a dirty bookstore, Off Euclid Avenue
I stopped taking dope, And I quit drinking whiskey
And my old man plays the trombone
And works out at the track

Hey Charley, for chrissakes, Do you want to know the truth of it?
I don’t have a husband, He don’t play the trombone
I need to borrow money, To pay this lawyer
And Charley, hey, I’ll be eligible for parole
Come Valentine’s Day”