NOTES FROM CAPTIVITY: VAX V. UN-VAX

I don’t leave the house much, as a rule. It is one of the great things about being retired.

And I definitely try not to leave the house lately, given all the lurking existential crises that form a virtual gauntlet on the way to the Winn Dixie, including:

Covid. Fortunately, the bike rider I pass is wearing a gas mask, so I’m safe. For now. When I reach the store, about half the shoppers and workers I encounter are wearing masks. Is it because they’re unvaccinated, or trying to protect me?  I don’t know whether to shame them or thank them…

Climate change. Is it my imagination, or is it warmer than yesterday? A key -key indicator was the highest in 20 something years –or maybe that was Inflation or the Border (so many crises, so little space). But I did read about a scout troop whose marshmallows melted on their S’Mores.

Hurricanes and wildfires. We don’t get many wildfires – yet -but is that a hurricane cloud over the horizon? I dread another evacuation – what would I wear? Please don’t make me learn the Greek alphabet again!

The Filibuster. My Captor and I agree on most things, but every now and then we don’t, and when it really matters to her, I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Vax v. Un-Vax.  The Crisis of our time, threatening to rip our society apart. We are hearing about family gatherings where Un-V are uninvited, Un-V newlyweds honeymooning separately, and the Un-V being denied access to the Netflix log-in.

As an aside, can anyone out there other than Camus define existentialism?  It seems like one of those concepts we understand but can’t really put into words. Kind of like goatee: Can anyone define goatee without stroking their chin?

I know Spy v. Spy ended badly – Putin poisoned Spy, leaving  v. Spy – and I want to avoid the same fate for V v. U-V.

The two sides in this crisis have moved to their ‘respective corners’ and refuse to consider the other side’s viewpoint.  So the first step is to understand the respective personality types, and I’ve captured each side’s impression of the other:

V – Mother dressed them funny as kids. U-V – Raised by wolves.

V- Teacher suck-ups, earning extra credit by turning in classmates for cheating. U-V – Beat up classmates who turned them in for cheating.

V – In 2020, voted for Biden. Sometimes twice. U-V – Voted for Hitler.

V- Trust in Government’s ability to solve their problems. But cheat on their taxes.  U-V – Think the Government is here to confiscate their weapons. But cheat on their taxes.

V- Have the entire set of Dr. Fauci trading cards. U-V – Would take a vaccine if it were offered by My Pillow Guy.

V- Wear a mask to feel superior. U-V – Won’t wear a mask to feel superior.

The second step is to look back at how similar crises have been resolved , for possible solutions.

Crisis: The War of the Roses – Royal infighting leading to an endless war.

Solution: Improved understanding through inter-mingling of the Royals, which led to inbreeding, insanity and weird foreheads. Sort of like the Kennedys of today.

Crisis: Reunification after the Civil War, the need to rebuild relationships.

Solution: Reconstruction “Getting to know you” hoe-downs and BBQs. Unfortunately, the fear that votes were harvested by telegram in the ’64 election led to voting legislation that was the “greatest threat to Democracy since the War of 1812”.

Crisis: Forming new relationships with Germany and Japan after WWII.

Solution: Hello, VWs and Camrys. And go ahead and host the Olympics – good luck with the crippling debt!

So, after conducting a thorough review of the science, sifting through the psychographic profiles of the V and U-V, and after pondering this over beers – multiple times – I have to admit I don’t have the faintest idea how to resolve this. Good luck to us all!

For 63 more posts like this – many of which seem to make sense – go to beersatthenifty.com

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Hurry Down Doomsday   Elvis Costello

“Forget about Beethoven, Rembrandt and rock and roll
Forget about Mickey Mouse, Marlboro and Coca Cola
Forget about Cadillac, Mercedes and Toyota
Forget about Buddha, Allah, Jesus and Jehovah
Hurry down Doomsday, the bugs are taking over”

Looking for a way out    Uncle Tupelo

“Love is fading baby, I can see it in your eyes
Your kisses taste the same, But it’s just a sweet disguise
Ain’t that just like you, To worry about me
But we promised to be honest, With each other for all eternity

And if you’re looking for a way out. I won’t stand in your way
But if you’re looking for a way out

Any Open Door  Travis Morrison

“Come pick me up, i gotta get outta here
They say they’re my family, Man, i don’t know
They cannot tell trapped from sticking together
Any open door looks good to me now

So come pick me up, dude i need some perspective
‘Cos there’s only one truth and that’s no truth at all
The planet gets big and your world becomes so small
Any open door looks good to me now”

The Man in the Iron Mask  Billy Bragg

“When he drops you off, I will not say, Who was that who so quickly drove away…
The things you’ve done and the places you’ve been
When I open the door for you, I will not let them in…

As long as you come back to me, I will never ask
For you I will be, The man in the iron mask

You said you love me and it broke my heart
I was always your prisoner right from the start
The nights you spend without me, This house is like a dungeon
And you only return to torture me more

You must have your reasons, I will not ask
For you I will be, The Man in the Iron Mask”

Beautiful Gas Mask  Mountain Goats

“I can’t hear you in the dark, Wish I knew where you’d gone
Know you’re there off in the shadow somewhere, Try to soldier on

Never sleep, remember to breathe deep
Never sleep, remember to breathe
Breathe deep, And breathe humbly

Secure your mouthpiece when you can, Toxic shapes adorn the walls
As we rise from our knees, Someone’s coming to reward us, you wait and see
Or crush us both like fleas

Never sleep, remember to breathe deep
Never sleep, remember to breathe
Breathe deep”