NOTES FROM CAPTIVITY: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

Today is Mother’s Day, the most important day of the year – if you know what’s good for you.

I’ve never been a Mother – although in traffic recently someone called me something that sounded like that – but I’ve have had a lot of experience with Mothers.

I’m supposing we all have one.

But I’ve enjoyed my time with Mothers, from my relationship with my own, to watching My Captor, to watching our daughters.

Other than offensive coordinator, at which every male believes he’d be better than the incumbent, it has to be the most underappreciated job around. When a Mother juggles child care, work, school, activities – fill in what I’ve missed – it’s expected. When a Father takes the kids shopping people are amazed: “You’ve got your hands full!”

In retrospect, that underappreciation begins with our own Mothers. They’re always there, so after a point we don’t fully notice them and what they do for us.

Or just how tough and determined they are. That came through to me during my Mother’s final battle with cancer when she dictated her own “exit terms”: From holding on until we arrived so she could meet her newest granddaughter, to later letting the room clear so she and my Father were alone together at the end.  

Perhaps the best tribute to our Mothers would be a few moments of quiet thanks for everything they did to make us who we are. Hopefully that doesn’t lead to litigation for some. Thanks, Mom. I love you.   

And if we are lucky, we get to watch our significant others/Captors become Mothers, and build relationships with their own children. Mothers and Daughters are interesting to watch – particularly during the teenage years.

But with luck, and time, all that ‘teen-ness’ falls behind, and in a cruel twist of fate, daughters one day turn into their Mothers. And ironically, the resemblance might be the greatest in the relationships that generated the most teenage years friction.

But as you read this, you might be enjoying a leisurely Sunday and a delicious Mimosa (I recommend Proseco, Fresca, and a splash of Aberol. Delicious, less filling and less caloric), so a good time to reflect on the differences between Mother’s and Father’s Day.

Father’s Day has a much greater ‘margin for error’, as a bucket of fried chicken, a few IPAs, and an afternoon of grilling is all you need. But there is abundant tension in Mother’s Day.

The Captor is not my Mother, but when our kids were little, I had to sweat “until I came through” and the day went OK, later having to sweat each year until the “kids came through”: Has everyone called, any cards arrive, maybe a gift or two? Now that our kids are in their late 30s, their latest hand print paintings aren’t as impactful.

And the tension in the house was even higher when Peyton was alive. Peyton, who had been spayed, and who would never become a Mother, once bit my Captor in a fit of jealousy. She hated this day.

But my Captor reminds me the best Mothers Days were when she was away with friends and/or sisters. And all those years we thought children were an essential part of Mother’s Day…

And now we begin to truly enjoy watching our children become parents, and the light go on: This is a really hard job! As they say, “Being a Mother is hard. If it were easy, a Father could do it.” Or perhaps my favorite: “Why do grandparents and their grandchildren get along so well? Common enemies.”

One day a year for dear, old Mom may not be enough, but it’s a start. Thanks Moms. For everything.

ENHANCE YOUR READING ENJOYMENT, PAIR THIS POST WITH THESE SONGS:

Mama Told Me Not to Come  Randy Newman “I seen so many things, I ain’t never seen before, I don’t know what it is, I don’t wanna see no more, Mama Told Me not to come, She said That Ain’t the way to have fun, son”   Nobody Loves Me Like My Mother  BB King “Nobody Loves Me Like my Mother, And she could be Jivin’ too, Now you see why I act so funny, baby, When you treat me like you do”   Mama Tried Merle Haggard “And I turned 21 in prison, Doing life without parole, No one could steer me right, But Mama tried. That only leaves me to blame, ‘Cause Mama tried.”   My Darling  Wilco “Because we made you my darling, with the love in each of our hearts,

We were a family my darling, Right from the start

Grow up now, but please don’t you grow up too fast,

And be sure to make the good times last”   Blinded By the Light   Bruce Springsteen “Mama always told me not to look into the sights of the sun, But Mama, That’s where the fun is!”   Mama You Sweet  Lucinda Williams I would need to print the entire song to do it justice, but suffice to say that it is Lucinda’s beautiful depiction of the grief she suffered at the loss of her Mother. She uses the ocean as a metaphor: “And pain hits a wall, And doesn’t know which way to go, And ocean says I’m crying now, And tells pain to follow, And pain courses through, Every vein, every limb, Trying to find a way out, between the secrets in my skin” A great listen, and West is a great CD…