NOTES FROM CAPTIVITY: GOODBYE OLD FRIEND

My Father was a member of the “Greatest Generation.” Their WW2 bravery inspired that moniker, as they stared down Hitler, Tojo, and Totalitarianism, and then had to listen to Maurice Chevalier music after liberating Paris. They were rewarded with Mamie Eisenhower, white bread, and Edgar Bergen, a radio ventriloquist. Think about that last thing for a second…

Unfortunately, due to short term memory issues, I can’t recall what they call my generation. But I guess The “What did I come in the kitchen for?” generation might work.  But whatever it is, it doesn’t recognize our bravery, as we stared down the Vietnam War, the gas crisis, and some other stuff (I’ll have to get back to you), and then had to listen to the music of Journey. And cancer – did I mention cancer?

We were the first generation that had to deal with the fact that everything – everything! – caused cancer. We couldn’t tie our shoes without feeling like we had a spot on our lung.

I am reminded of all of that by the recent announcement that the Coca-Cola Co. was dropping TaB.

TaB was introduced in 1963 as Coke’s first diet. And before the wonder drug Hydroxychloroquine, there was the wonder sweetener Saccharine. TaB had just one calorie in a pink can, enabling one to explore their feminine side while watching their weight. But in the Faustian bargain that is life, saccharine was believed to cause bladder cancer. (As an aside, it was also recently linked to the California wild fires). TaB was definitely an acquired taste, but irreplaceable for those of us who loved it. Not to say it was a different taste, but when it sat on the shelf too long, it went good.

I have been a TaB drinker for about 45 years. I estimate that I have consumed over 35,000 cans in my lifetime. And with each can, I have felt a twinge in my bladder.  (That’s not really true, but thought it would make for a gripping post. I’m not totally sure where my bladder is or if I still have one. Or maybe, that’s my liver).  Suffice to say, TaB has been a part of my life and my longest term relationship. (That’s not really true, but thought it would make a gripping post. And I don’t believe TaB has been faithful to me, as I’ve seen her with other men – and women. She really got around).

So after 45 years, I was shaken and saddened by the announcement that my old friend was going away.

I’m now reading that TaB drinkers are panicking, and scouring retail outlets for whatever TaB remains. But I’m not worried, because I know there is good news on the horizon. The turning point of the final Presidential debate of 2020, and quite possibly the election itself, will be when one of the candidates (or both) announces that they will invoke the ‘Emergency Powers Act’ and guarantee continued production of TaB. Half of America will cheer the news, half will not.

Months from now, whoever wins the election will assure us that “I have a mandate – 30% of Americans voted for me!”,  “Democracy has been saved!” and “TaB – one of the many things that makes America great – has been saved as well!”.

And I think the ‘greatest generation’ will be pleased, as they fought to make the world free for capitalism, and TaB drinkers. But also confused, as they definitely didn’t fight for those weird seltzers, energy drinks, and Tojo Chico, that are leading the youth of today to ruin.