NOTES FROM CAPTIVITY – – ENTREPENEURIALISM

One benefit of being held captive has been discovering my entrepreneurial spirit – – it was between the couch cushions, where I was sitting to binge watch Captain Kangaroo. I can’t believe there was no social media reaction to the ping pong ball trick – that was just cruel. But it hit me at that moment that there must be a way to help all those poor kids who have been locked up and unable to see their friends or have normal fun – and maybe make a little money while at it. So, here are some of the business opportunities/kid friendly products I’ve developed – looking for investors!

 A child’s first book of curse words: It is important for kids to be able to ‘hang’ and fit in, and swearing is a sure way to show their ‘street cred’.

Included with the book will be a CD of “Swearing Songs/Playground Taunts” (negotiating with Raffi’s people, but Tom Waits would also fit):

“I’m Ok, you’re OK – its that kid over there I’m worried about!  

“Your balance bike ain’t s***” 

“Your mama is a W*** and she bought you a cheap tablet!”

“Be nice to people, but always remember that they s***”.  

The book will also feature an “Illustrated guide to obscene gestures”, “Disgusting noises you can make with various body parts”, and “Unusual places you can put Jello”.

Exotic hand puppets: Puppet fun, designed to delight and terrify your playmates.  These include the Demented Woodchuck, the Homicidal Hedgehog, Bare Bear (the deluxe version features the required clothing – mainly G strings – to make your Bare Bear a female or male stripper), the One-Eyed Otter, and the Argentinian Albatross (a former Nazi, but shhh kids, its our little secret).

Virtual Terroristic Threats Kit: Ever get bored on those seemingly endless Zoom calls with your family, friends and classmates? Well, this array of terroristic threats will end those calls pronto. And the best part is, the man with the thick mustache and dark glasses that suddenly pops up on the call will be the one Homeland Security will be chasing. Choose from: We will blow up your school/church/office building; Americans are lazy/weak/slovenly and we will destroy you; Cooperate or we will release Covid 20! You won’t believe where we can put Jello – we will make you talk!

Operation 2020: Just like the buzzer game your parents played – but updated for today’s practice of medicine! All the tools necessary to treat anything that ails your playmates, or remove useless body parts from your friends – or pets. Dissect a frog, cat or dog in under 5 minutes flat with the working laser. With the ‘little dental kit’ remove any diseased (or healthy), permanent or temporary, teeth. Conduct physicals for your friends (don’t tell Mom or Dad!).  Comes with a board game and fun characters, including: The Malpractice Insurance salesman, the personal injury attorney (fighting for justice!), and Medicare fraudster. But be careful, the loser ends up with $200k in student loans.