I learned that if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it.
Props to Dorothy, and I’m from Nebraska, so it works for me. But wait, there’s more…
I learned that I enjoyed moral superiority, and the opportunity to look down upon others due to my “Reformed Drinker” status. Enjoyed it so much that I took up smoking, then gave it up. I am now morally superior to two groups of people. And given my love of gluten, the gluten free crowd is in my sights, too.
I learned the difference between napping and passing out. Oddly, I remember things better after a nap.
I learned that I don’t like grilling without a beer. But, I have convinced the Uber Eats guy to grill our brats, so no repeat of that terrifying incident.
I learned that I’m right -I am much more interesting after I’ve had a few drinks. I’m sure that’s why people move away from me at parties, to give others the chance to hear what I have to say. And sometimes I repeat things a few times to make sure people are getting it.
I learned that refrigeration is our friend, and have brought the refrigerators back in the house. Our bologna isn’t gray anymore! What I’m going to do with the underground cellar I dug, I’m not sure.
I learned January is dull and gray. You should check out it’s Facebook page. Dull and gray. And it’s Instagram posts are in black and gray. February will be positively electric by comparison.
I learned that New Year’s Resolutions are pointless, no matter what state you’re in. Some of my favorite failed resolutions include:
To only have conversations with my Captor when we are in the same room – not on opposite sides of the house;
To follow CDC guidelines to fight C19. I am now wearing three N95 masks just to be safe, but have given up trying to follow the daily Executively Ordered change(s). I’m OK with wearing a mask on the train, so I have planned a rail vacation. But I have no idea what the knee pads are for. Once they tell us to curl up in a ball on the couch, they will have my attention again. I guess actually stopping the virus is tougher than saying you would, back in October.
Being able to go shirtless on the beach again. Tried it last week and those nearby started a petition to force me to re-robe. The comments section was particularly vengeful.
I learned – was reminded? –that I have a complicated relationship with my old friend beer. Not unlike that friend you had as a kid who could convince you to do stupid things every now and then, beer has the same potential. “Yes Mom, I would jump in a lake if beer told me to!”
I learned that I felt better, slept better and really didn’t miss my old friend beer… that much. That Dry January really is a good idea, and worth doing again next year. Fortunately, the human brain is an adaptive muscle, and works to save us from traumatic memories. By noon tomorrow, I will have forgotten everything I learned about Dry January. Wet February dead ahead!!!
And to enhance your reading experience, pair it with these songs:
Message to my girl Split Enz
“It’s no New Years Resolution, It’s more than that”
Bring on the Ending Matt Pond PA
“Don’t get Caught Dancing, Even When You’re Drinking”
Some Bartenders Have The Gift of Pardon Mark Eitzel
“Some Bartenders have the gift of pardon”
“Drunks seem saint like in their disillusion”
“You don’t have to worry about counterfeits at 2A, ‘cause that’s all there is.”
Nice