Reprinted with permission from “A Child’s Guide to Coronavirus: Hope you didn’t get it!”
Now that we are nearing the end of our fight against the pandemic, and life will at some point return to normal, it is important to take a deeper look into “C19 Personality types”.
This term refers to the various frames of mind Americans assumed to deal with the crisis, and ultimately, the vaccine, and is intended to make this article feel scientific.
It’s a Hoax! This was an early reaction, and is still believed by many. It follows a long tradition of ‘hoax conspiracies’, which include: The Moon landing, World War 2, the Harry Potter movie series, and hoax conspiracies. This group believes that the 500k+ dead are “in on the hoax”, and will return in July.
It’s the Chinese! Unfortunately, once you’ve invented a Chinese hoax, 30 minutes later you want another one. While true, this one got complicated, as it marked the believer as racist. Once revealed that the Taiwanese also call it the “Chinese flu”, it led to a reassessment of this group as “pro-designated hitter”. In reaction, the National League dropped the DH in an effort to appear pro-Chinese – and supportive of their liberal voting laws, and 2 million + “absentee voters”.
It’s no worse than the flu! Doc Tony said this early on, and unless you were elderly or had pre-existing conditions, he was pretty much right. At a recent Georgetown cocktail party, Dr. Fauci reportedly ranted: “Told ya, you morbidly obese Horcrux”!
I won’t wear a mask! Early on, there were conflicting messages: Don’t wear a mask, Do wear a mask. Give a penny, take a penny. But this group included a ‘compromise sect’: No mask, but I won’t cough. A family in Pittsburgh hasn’t coughed in over a year.
I have to wear a mask! Some in this group believed they were “following the science” (personally, I thought Chemistry was brutal), while others wanted to avoid being shamed as “Mask-Holes”. The best part was feeling morally superior to those not wearing a mask. Did I mention I love when the pitcher hits? Oddly, over 98% of those who wear a mask while alone in their car favor packing the Supreme Court.
No lockdown for me – the government can’t be trusted! This group is right. The government can’t be trusted.
Doctor Fauci is a genius! Doctor Fauci is a gas bag! These groups have been lumped together, because virtually everyone has been in both camps, at some point. Even his wife, apparently, but that happens to all married couples, I guess.
Donald Trump was a horcrux! I’ve heard the ‘Deep State’ has a copy of the NDA signed by Hermoine Granger as leverage against Trump’s return.
Red states did better than blue states! Blue states did better than red states! Actually, both groups were wrong – we were all pretty much screwed. Though it was nerve wracking living in the “petri dish of death” here in GA.
The Vaccine isn’t safe! It can’t be ready before next summer! I won’t take it! This was spread by Russian disinformation campaigns. Wasn’t it?
The vaccine is our only way out of this mess, I’m rolling up my sleeve! This one is accurate. And while much is being made of the ‘J&J blood clots,’ the odds of those are longer than being struck by lightning, winning your bowling league, or my passing Chemistry.
The Governor said so! My Captor tells me that the man she calls “The Governor” knows all. And since he favors “cocktails to go” he has my vote.
But kids, the real lesson to be learned from this pandemic is that we’re all making it up as we go along -and you’re pretty much on your own. And as a great American once said, “If you take any of this for granted, you ‘ain’t paying attention.”
ENHANCE YOUR READING ENJOYMENT, PAIR THIS POST WITH THESE SONGS:
Psycho Killer Talking Heads
“I hate people when they’re not polite”
Against the Wind Bob Seger
“Wish I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then”
Yellow Coat Steve Goodman
“Long time since I saw you last, Tell me, did you ever get to buy that yellow coat?”
Terrapin Station Grateful Dead
“While you were gone, these faces filled with darkness,
The obvious was hidden, Nothing to believe in, the compass always points to terrapin”
What Sarah Said Death Cab for Cutie
“Well it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time.
And I’m thinking of what Sarah said, love is watching someone die”
If we were vampires Jason Isbell
“If we were vampires, and death were but a joke,
We’d go out on the sidewalk and smoke, And laugh at all the lovers and their plans,
I wouldn’t feel the need to hold your hand,
Maybe time running out is a gift,
I’ll work hard until the end of my shift, And give you every second I can find,
And hope it isn’t me who’s left behind”
And finally, a Buddhist saying:
“When you stop laughing, is when the trouble starts”
Per usual….awesome post Jimmy:)