NOTES FROM CAPTIVITY: COVID AIN’T ALL BAD!

I know a lot of folks are unhappy about this pandemic thing, but if you look past the 400,000+ dead and the destruction of our economy, there’s a lot to like about C19. Particularly if you’re well into Dry January and the DTs have given way to hallucinations…Mother, is that you?

Let me count the ways…

No jury duty! Now you can register to vote without fear of being called to judge your peer.

No jury trials. If that cousin you’ve been vaguely frightened by all these years was lucky enough to get out on bail, he won’t face justice until 2022 – or later. Just don’t answer the door until then…

Carry out alcohol! To help the cratering restaurant industry, you can get drinks to go. What’s next? Louisiana style drive through Daiquiri shacks nationwide? Early studies indicate that rum defeats the virus – sign me up for the research panel! But check back with me in February on that one…

No boring office parties. Remember those awkward office parties, where 2-3 employees behaved badly and wrecked their marriages and/or careers? Well, all that is now happening virtually. And if done correctly, violating a lot of Federal censorship rules.

Or boring offices. The commute to the family room is much quicker than the old days. Unfortunately, a family room cramped with virtual students and other family members may make you yearn for your cubicle. And even the guy one cubicle over who watches last year’s office party on continuous loop. 

MPG (Months per Gallon). When you’re at home most of the time, and not going anywhere, you don’t fill up your car quite as often. Or ever. We’ve now added the “When was the last time we bought gas?” game to the “What did we do last Tuesday?” game.

Learn to Love those love handles! No one can tell that you’ve gained 15 pounds – sweat pants hide that C19-fifteen beautifully. And if you angle the ZOOM app the right way, you might even look slimmer – the app does make you look 10 pounds lighter.  Unfortunately, the day of reckoning is coming. Swimsuit season is going to be a public spectacle…

Divorce attorneys and OB/GYNs should have a great 2021! Much has been written about couples spending lots of time together, and that works in a lot of different ways.

Kids have learned to love school again. Virtual learning has seen to that. They are looking forward to live instruction, socialization – even the kid who steals their lunch.

Styrofoam architecture! This art form has developed as a way to make good use of the Styrofoam used for carry out meals, before it clogs up our landfills and destroys the planet. We now have a replica of the man my captor calls “The Governor” in the next room. I wish we had cleaned that out first…

If we look hard enough at a dark cloud, we can find a silver lining (don’t try that with an eclipse). Hitler was a bad dude, but he made the Volkswagen affordable. In the same spirit, COVID has brought some good into our lives.

But I have to go now. I’m going to say a rosary and pray for a vaccine appointment.