As a retiree, you look for ways to amuse yourself.
My new favorite is the App game: As I am notified that my apps need to be updated, I save them up and bet on which ones will finish updating first. Talk about nail biting – as Willy Wonka once said: “The tension is killing me…I hope it lasts”.
And it has become a weekly ritual – our entire group saves their apps for updating, we get together and a betting party breaks out! Never bet your house on the Great Clips app…
It was only natural then, that during lockdown I would become an App developer.
My first attempt was the Ye Olde Memory App, which stored Senior’s passwords for their multiple devices and the Consumer Cellular website. Unfortunately, none of the users could remember their password for the app, so reorders were pretty light.
But Seniors have been a lucrative market.
Grandpa’s joy ride to heaven app makes euthanasia fun. It includes scenic photos on the underside of the pillow used to smother ‘Ol Titanium Hip to his just reward and make him think he’s finally visiting the Grand Canyon!
The Be Careful of the Long, Fat One App warns Seniors which of their various medications might be a choking hazard. Unfortunately, the multiple alarms set to remind that it’s time to take a pill are confused with the landline (oddly, removed in 1996) and may cause falls on the way to answer.
The One More Beer App has been a hazy success. It is utilized on a night out with friends, and comes complete with: Its still 5:00 somewhere, Reasons why you deserve another beer, The night is still young logic, Things I’ll say when I get home that will convince my partner that this was good for me – and us, and creative alternative sleeping locations.
The Chicks Dig Me App has been good for my ego, as it is programmed for the voices of Siri, Alexa and the local weather woman to tell me “how much they dig me”. I fear it has a bug though, because lately all they’ve been saying is “Would it kill you to run the vacuum?”
Successful people are too busy for dating, and the No time for On-Line Dating App is designed for them. An auto reply bot initiates contact, has several steamy on line dates, an angry break-up, stalks the former love interest, and then is hit with a restraining order. All the phases of an on-line relationship without any human involvement.
I’ve had great success with politically themed apps.
The CDC App has been lucrative, as users pay additional fees based upon the daily guidance changes on COVID. A popular feature has been a setting that makes Dr. Fauci sound like Darth Vader as he updates how much time the un-masked have before they ‘visit the Grand Canyon’.
The Existential Crises App was a big hit, but had to be retired – too many additions. Really – grapes in chicken salad?
And the Justification App has been ordered by Politicians left and right, and includes:
It’s a woman’s choice;
What crushing debt? January 6th! January 6th! January 6th!
The Taliban has changed. Women can wear cowboy hats now!
In my day, it wasn’t sexual assault;
The Government knows what’s best for you.
But my biggest seller has been the Suspension of Disbelief App. It comes in handy throughout the day: Listening to the news, talking to your kids about how their grades will be, listening to My Captor tell me when I can leave the couch, and any visit to a scale.
I loved its recent advice: When you don’t know what to believe, why believe anything at all?
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
Willful Suspension of disbelief Modest Mouse
“Everywhere everywhere everywhere
It’s all so plain it’s all a plan
The sky doesn’t ever end
The air just gets much thinner further up
You could keep diggin’ down and down
A thousand graves down without turnin’ Around or finding hell
You find you’re digging up again
Everywhere everywhere everywhere
Willful suspension of disbelief”
I will Possess Your Heart Death Cab for Cutie
“How I wish you could see the potential, The potential of you and me
It’s like a book elegantly bound but, In a language that you can’t read – just yet
There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, When we’ll be lovers, lovers at last
You reject my advances and desperate pleas, I won’t let you let me down so easily
You gotta spend some time, love, You gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you’ll find love, I will possess your heart”
Grandpa’s Joy Ride to Heaven The Euthanasia Five
“He’s been a great Grandpa, He’s been a great dad,
We’ve loved him forever, But now he’s forgetful and smells bad,
If we were in Michigan, we could take him to Kervorkian,
One shot of his magic dust, And he’d never come back again,
But we’ll use this new app, Just what we need to end his life,
Grandpa, welcome to the Grand Canyon, Next stop, the afterlife!
The Clampdown The Clash
“We will teach our twisted speech, To the young believers
We will train our blue-eyed men, To be young believers
The judge said five to ten but I say double that again
I’m not working for the clampdown
No man born with a living soul, Can be working for the clampdown
Kick over the wall ’cause government’s to fall
How can you refuse it?
Let fury have the hour, anger can be power
Do you know that you can use it?
The voices in your head are calling, Stop wasting your time, there’s nothing coming
Only a fool would think someone could save you
The men at the factory are old and cunning
You don’t owe nothing, so boy, get running
It’s the best years of your life they want to steal
But you grow up and you calm down
And you’re working for the clampdown
You start wearing the blue and brown
And you’re working for the clampdown