NO, YOU SPRING AHEAD!

The forces of evil triumph once again!

As you roll out of bed this morning and try to calculate what time it really is, you’ll silently curse: Bah! Daylight Saving Time!

DST has returned, stealing an hour of our lives and much of our dignity.

And as you spend your day resetting clocks and turning calendar pages – who needs military time anyway? and man, March went fast – you’ll probably wonder: Whose idea was this?

It happens every year:

My Captor and I have a daily routine, waking early, getting our days in motion.

Beach walks, scanning current events and social media – though my MySpace account has been pretty quiet of late, and our final Dilbert is getting old – our to-do lists complete, we’d be ready for bed by 9P.

But DST arrives, we spring ahead, and all hell breaks loose (Shakes fist angrily!).

Now we’re walking the beach in the dark, going to bed in the light, and sleeping until noon.

Current events are now an hour delayed and old news, Instagram is filled with friends’ videos of clock changing and how the ‘wuss generation’ is afraid of the extra hour of daylight, YouTube just tutorials on calculating military time, and Twitter arguments over is it one Saving or more?

How did we get here? Again!

Many believe it was started by the Germans during WW1, as a strategic move to stay one hour ahead of the enemy.

In reality, it was Woodrow Wilson choosing ‘dare’ at a drunken League of Nations party.

DST has survived because no one wants to admit it’s a stupid idea – if only me Mother was here: “Would you jump in a lake if some moron made you reset your clock?”

Speaking of morons who make you reset your clock, Congress is all in on DST – part of their “Watch what we can make them do now!” adrenaline rush:

“Let’s make it legal to marry a horse!”

“Let’s tax the wealthy – except for us!”

“You’ll get an extra hour in November- on us!” – just before the election.

Weirdly, it appears to be optional.

Indiana and Phoenix are ‘conscientious objectors’, remaining on standard time, along with a couple of bars in Northern Wisconsin and the NFC Central.

Indiana, concerned for the ‘mental health’ of their cows, and the affect on milk production. And no opposable hooves to reset clocks.

Or maybe just to be a Jeopardy answer.

Phoenix, with global warming, the extra hour of sunlight would melt the Grand Canyon.

The plus side: Our debates about “How far ahead are we of Phoenix now”? aid mental acuity.

Admiring Phoenix’s independent streak, My Captor and I chose to remain on standard time in 1988, but we missed an awful lot of social engagements, and most of my meetings at work. But we were patient, and a few months later everything was back on schedule.

Later, just My Captor sprang ahead, and we didn’t see each other all summer…

While I once believed “DST is good for nothing!” (that fist angrily! thing) DST is the best excuse ever – I blame everything on it!

“Sorry I’m late – DST!” – still working in July.

“Too late, officer – I was speeding an hour ago!”

“I robbed a bank? Sleep deprivation!”

But God can’t be happy with man playing God: “What’s wrong with you? Circadian rhythm is perfect! Fix this, or 6 more months of Lent!”

And He has every right to be angry: With all the wonders He has provided, this is what we spend our time worrying about?

Need any more proof there’s nothing man can’t screw up?

For 155 more posts like this –each with a wish for or hour back – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or, at the site, leave a comment on this post, and then check the box that says “Please notify me of future posts” and you will be sent the newest Sunday update automatically.  

Easier yet, when you read a post, after 15 seconds you’ll be given the chance to become a subscriber: Life gets better and better!

Or just forward this to everyone you know. Forward it to those you aren’t fond of twice.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Fairport Convention was an influential late ‘60s English folk rock band – Sandy Denny wrote the below, and also released as a single. Richard Thompson was a founding member, who later paired with (and married) Linda Pettifer as Richard and Linda Thompson, with “Shoot Out the Lights” and “I want to see the Bright Lights tonight” as notable achievements. Richard Thompson went on to a substantial solo career, and would be a good Sunday morning listen. Check out “I feel so good” from “Rumor and Sigh”, a fine album. Actually saw RT at Chastain years ago, and he was excellent. Unfortunately, he was opening for someone and was drowned out by the crowd at the “rudest venue in America”.

Who Knows Where the time Goes?   Fairport Convention

Across the evening sky, all the birds are leaving
But how can they know it’s time for them to go?
Before the winter fire, I will still be dreaming
I have no thought of time
For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
Sad, deserted shore, your fickle friends are leaving
Ah, but then you know it’s time for them to go
But I will still be here, I have no thought of leaving
I do not count the time
For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
And I am not alone while my love is near me
I know it will be so until it’s time to go
So come the storms of winter and then the birds in spring again
I have no fear of time
For who knows how my love grows?
And who knows where the time goes?