No, You Spring Ahead!

Two weeks later, and I’m still sleeping until noon every day.

My Captor and I were in a great routine; we’d wake up by 6:15 and get our days in motion:

Beach walks, errand running, catching up on current events and social media – though my MySpace account has been pretty quiet of late – we’d complete our to-do lists and be ready for bed by 8P.

But then Daylight Saving Time (DST) arrived, we sprang ahead, and all hell broke loose (Shakes fist angrily).

Now we’re walking the beach in the dark, and going to bed in the light.

And current events are nothing but arguments for and against DST, as well as testimonials about the psychological damage it has inflicted. Oh, and all that war stuff.

Misinformation abounds about DST.

Many believe it was started by the Germans during WW1, as a strategic move to stay one hour ahead of the enemy.

In reality, it was due to Woodrow Wilson choosing ‘dare’ at a drunken League of Nations party.

And even more misinformation about the ‘supposed’ benefits.  

Myth #1: Indiana remains on standard time out of concern for the mental health of their cows.

Truth: Indiana converted to DST annually until 1983, when Larry Bird, during his failed gubernatorial run, promised to “Stop the Steal of our Hour”. Bird was defeated by Arthur Stuckey, who promised a “Pecan Log in Every Pot”, but DST was ultimately repealed through the efforts of the Indiana Tourism Board, making Indiana part of a Jeopardy clue.

Myth #2: DST is confusing.                                                                               

Truth: It is confusing. If it were simple, would it need a catchy slogan like “Spring ahead for a dramatically better life!”? And is it one Saving or many? Confusion is rampant: Have I changed the microwave clock? How many time zones are we ahead of Phoenix? Why does our milk taste a bit off?

Myth #3: It saves energy.

Truth: You really think Congress knows how to save money? Both parties were united in their support for DST, in response to voter complaints that “Congress won’t give us the time of day”! And remember, these are the same folks who told us income tax would be temporary –but hey, you’ll get your bridge fixed any day now!

Myth #4: “Spring ahead for a dramatically better COVID-less life!”

Truth: Not so much. Other than the vaccine, there is no defense against COVID.  All those studies about ‘mask mandates working’ were just an elaborate practical joke on the half of the country that wore them. Unfortunately, kids were dragged needlessly into that, which wasn’t funny.

Myth #5: DST is good for nothing! (Shakes fist angrily)  

The truth: DST is the best excuse ever – You can blame anything on it!

“It made me late for work” – still working in July.

“It wasn’t the IPAs that made me do it, it was the time change!”

“I robbed a bank? It must be sleep deprivation!”

But God can’t be happy with man playing God: “What is wrong with you? I made Circadian rhythm perfect! Fix this, or 6 more months of Lent!”

“And dude, is that your best fire and brimstone?”

God has unleashed His resultant fury in multiple ways, but I fear even He has been affected by the time change:

He threatened us with Sodom and Gomorrah. It became the most popular nightspot in Vegas.

He gave us the aging process. It became embarrassing plastic surgery.

He sent the Tower of Babel. It became Talk Radio, CNN and Fox News.

Need any more proof that there’s nothing man can’t screw up?

For 94 more posts like this –each written an hour from now – go to beersatthenifty.com

At the site, leave a comment on this post, and then check the box that says “Please notify me of future posts” and you will be sent the newest Sunday update automatically.  

Or just forward this to everyone you know. Forward it to those you aren’t fond of twice.

Polar Opposites  Modest Mouse

Polar opposites don’t push away, It’s the same
On the weekends as the rest of the days
And I know, I should go, but I’ll probably stay
And that’s all you can do about some things

I’m trying, I’m trying to
Drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away
I’m trying, I’m trying to
Drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away

Two one-eyed dogs, they’re looking at stereos
Hi-fi gods try so hard
To make their cars low to the ground
These vibrations oil it’s teeth
Primer gray is the color when you’re done dying

I’m trying, I’m trying to
Drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away
I’m trying, I’m trying to
Drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away

This Year  Mountain Goats

I broke free on a Saturday morning, I put the pedal to the floor
Headed north on Mills Avenue, And listened to the engine roar

My broken house behind me and good things ahead
A girl named Cathy wants a little of my time
Six cylinders underneath the hood crashing and kicking
Aha! Listen to the engine wine

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me

I played video games in a drunken haze, I was 17 years young
Hurt my knuckles punching the machines, The taste of Scotch rich on my tongue

And then Cathy showed up and we hung out, Trading swigs from a bottle all bitter and clean
Locking eyes, holding hands, Twin high maintenance machines

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me

I drove home in the California dusk, I could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
Pictured the look on my stepfather’s face, Ready for the bad things to come

I downshifted as I pulled into the driveway, The motor screaming out stuck in second gear
The scene ends badly as you might imagine, In a cavalcade of anger and fear
There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me

Time Passages  Al Stewart

I was a big fan of Al Stewart in the 70s, and enjoyed finding this. Year of the Cat was a mega hit. Check out his 70s albums: Time Passages, Year of the Cat, Modern Times, Past, Present, and Future

It was late in December, the sky turned to snow
All round the day was going down slow
Night like a river beginning to flow, I felt the beat of my mind go
Drifting into time passages
Years go falling in the fading light
Time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

Well I’m not the kind to live in the past
The years run too short and the days too fast
The things you lean on are the things that don’t last
Well it’s just now and then my line gets cast into these
Time passages
There’s something back here that you left behind
Oh time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

Hear the echoes and feel yourself starting to turn
Don’t know why you should feel

That there’s something to learn, It’s just a game that you play

Well the picture is changing, Now you’re part of a crowd
They’re laughing at something, And the music’s loud
A girl comes towards you, You once used to know
You reach out your hand
But you’re all alone, in these
Time passages
I know you’re in there, you’re just out of sight
Time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

As Time Goes By  Dooley Wilson

Dooley Wilson was Sam in Casablanca, arguably the greatest American film ever. And no, Bogart never said “Play it again, Sam”.

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

And when two lovers woo, They still say “I love you”
On that you can rely, No matter what the future brings
As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs, Never out of date
Hearts full of passion, Jealousy and hate
Woman needs man, and man must have his mate
That no one can deny

It’s still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs, Never out of date
Hearts full of passion, Jealousy and hate
Woman needs man, and man must have his mate
That no one can deny

It’s still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by

Time is Tight  Booker T and the MGs

A great band that was much greater than I knew. Check them out.

September Song  Frank Sinatra

Co-written by Kurt Weill, who collaborated with Bertolt Brecht on “Threepenny Opera”, which included Mack the Knife

When I was a young man courting the girls
I played me a waiting game
If a maid refused me with tossing curls
I’d let the old Earth take a couple of whirls
While I plied her with tears in lieu of pearls
And as time came around she came my way
As time came around, she came

When you meet with the young girls early in the spring
You court them in song and rhyme
They answer with words and a clover ring
But if you could examine the goods they bring
They have little to offer but the songs they sing
And a plentiful waste of time of day
A plentiful waste of time

Oh, it’s a long, long while from May to December
But the days grow short
When you reach September
When the Autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
One hasn’t got time for the waiting game

Oh, the days dwindle down to a precious few
September, November
And these few precious days
I’ll spend with you
These precious days
I’ll spend with you