My Captor

“My Captor is a woman I’m familiar with, who keeps reminding me of our ‘shared history’. Whatever that means”.

My wife earned her “My Captor” nickname during COVID lockdown, when she monitored my whereabouts, ensuring I/we stayed safe: “Sit on the couch and don’t complain”. She also insisted we “stay away from the windows” and only use plastic forks, which kept C-19 away.

Counsel so genius it was later incorporated into CDC guidance, along with a ban on vegetables beginning with the letter B, oboes, and techno music.

Which pretty much describes our 43 years together, an anniversary we celebrated this week: My Captor’s continuing efforts to keep me/we safe.

And happy.

Life moves fast, and every now and then it’s a good idea to stop and reflect. Which I used to do in the mirror, but how much bad news can one man take?

But on a beach stroll, I reflected on our relationship, and relationships in general.

They unfold in stages.

The first stage discovery: An initial meeting, possible interest, and begin learning each other.

My Captor and I re-met at a bar in Evanston (having met briefly earlier through friends), where she bought me a beer – and some free pretzels – and off we went (my post, my fiction).

The learning each other generally involves dating, but may also involve indoor sports. We played a lot of PigMania.

Each stage has a warning sign(s), which later can be a forehead slap in a relationship gone wrong. In discovery it might be ignoring someone’s back story, or an over reliance on indoor sports.

My only issue was a nagging fear she was after me for my baseball cards…   

The next stage is ‘outside world’ acceptance: meeting family and friends.

Meeting My Captor’s family went well, I followed her advice to “Sit on the couch and don’t complain.”

My only issue was the questions her family asked about my baseball cards.  

The next stage is amped up commitment: I knew it was serious when she agreed to type one of my grad school papers. There were no serious typos, so I asked her to wear my pin. And marry me.

There were issues: She vetoed the purple tuxes I had selected – I’d looked so good in the one I wore to prom, and our wedding band lied about knowing “Watching the Detectives”, which was to be our first dance.

Once Marriage breaks out, the couple better agree on the big issues: Children? For or against the DH? Dukes or Hellmans?

My Captor and I were well-matched, aligned on what truly mattered.

From there, the blur begins: Children, Careers – – life.

Fortunately, My Captor was a master at managing all the details that kept – and keep – us going.

And if you’re lucky, one day you empty nest together, spending virtually, every, waking, moment, together.

And if you remain lucky, you wake up one day, and you’re writing posts about grandparenting and researching songs like “Where’d all the time go?”

At the end of it all, marriage is everything and nothing.

From the major life moments and milestones, to the small, quiet moments that mark our days.

And while we treasure our major life moments, we need also savor the everyday routine: on a long car drive, it’s good to roll the window down every now and then and yell “Cow!”

Our lives change in an instant – for the better if we’re lucky -and my lucky instant was that night when My Captor bought me a beer.

And our life together happened.

How lucky can one man get?

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Watching the Detectives  Elvis Costello

Nice girls, not one with a defect
Cellophane shrink-wrapped, so correct
Red dogs under illegal legs
She looks so good that he gets down and begs

She is watching the detectives
“Ooh, it’s so cute”
She’s watching the detectives
When they shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot
They beat him up until the teardrops start
But he can’t be wounded ’cause he’s got no heart

Long shot of that jumping sign
Invisible shivers running down my spine
Cut to baby taking off her clothes
Close-up of the sign that says: “We never close”

You snatch a chill and you match a cigarette
She pulls the eyes out with a face like a magnet
I don’t know how much more of this I can take
She’s filing her nails while they’re dragging the lake

She is watching the detectives
“Oh, he’s so cute”
She is watching the detectives
Oh, and they shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot
They beat him up until the teardrops start
But he can’t be wounded ’cause he’s got no heart

You think you’re alone until you realize you’re in it
Now baby’s here to stay, love is here for a visit
They call it instant justice when it’s past the legal limit
Someone’s scratching at the window, I wonder, who is it?

The detectives come to check if you belong to the parents
Who are ready to hear the worst about their daughter’s disappearance
Though it nearly took a miracle to get you to stay
It only took my little fingers to blow you away

Just like watching the detectives
Don’t get cute
Just like watching the detectives
I get so angry when the teardrops start
But he can’t be wounded ’cause he’s got no heart

Watching the detectives
It’s just like watching the detectives
Watching the detectives
Watching the detectives
Watching the detectives
We’re watching the detectives
They’re watching the detectives
Watching the detectives
Watching the detectives

Where’d All The time go?  Dr. Dog

Where’d all the time go?
It’s starting to fly
See how the hands go
Waving goodbye

And you know I get so forgetful
When I look in your eyes

Now she’s walking backwards (she’s walking backwards)
Through a parade

And I’m stuck in the shadow (stuck in the shadow)
Blocking the shade

And there ain’t no way to sweep up
The mess that we’ve made

She gets dressed up like a pillow
So she’s always in bed
Flowers for the sick and dead
She’s on the go, way too fast and way too slow
She’ll turn to stone at hospitals and funeral homes
And when the fog rises
Somebody sighs who is not in disguise anymore

There’s nothing to keep you (nothing to keep you)
From falling in love

It starts at the bottom (starts at the bottom)
And comes from above
Like pieces of a puzzle
Like a hand in a glove

She gets dressed up like a pillow so she’s always in bed
Flowers for the sick and dead
She’s on the go, way too fast and way too slow
She’ll turn and stop at hospitals and funeral homes
And when the tide rises
Somebody sinks and is gone in the blink of an eye

Somebody sinks and is gone in the blink of an eye

Born in captivity  T Bone Burnett
Born in captivity
Born in captivity
We’re all born in captivity

They make you stand in line for the first grade
They make you kneel in hall to the air raid
They say the saucer’s coming any day
To take you and all your friends away
But thirty times it never comes
And still the natives beat the drums

And we’re born in captivity
We’re all born in captivity
Yes we’re born in captivity
Cossack children of the bourgeoisie

And they burn their images in your brain
And tell you what is valuable
Till’ it all looks pretty much the same
Then you are totally malleable
And it works like magic on everyone
Cause the camera’s mightier than the cannon

And we’re born in captivity
We’re all born in captivity
And we’re born in captivity
Cossack children of the bourgeoisie
Awaiting our delivery

Heart Cooks Brain  Modest Mouse

Slow walk, it’s land mine
It’s coal mine, it’s a bad thought

On the way to God don’t know
My brain’s the burger, and my heart’s the coal

I’m trying to get my head clear
I push things out through my mouth, I get refilled through my ears
I get refilled through my ears
I get refilled through my ears

I’m on my way to God don’t know or even care
My brain’s the weak heart, and my heart’s the long stairs
My heart’s the long stairs, my heart’s the long stairs
Inland from Vancouver shore
The ravens and the seagulls push each other inward and outward
Inward and outward

In this place that I call home
My brain’s the cliff, and my heart’s the bitter buffalo
My heart’s the bitter buffalo

We tore one down, and erected another there
The match of the century, absence versus thin air
On the way to God don’t know
My brain’s the burger, and my heart’s the coal

On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow
The days go so slow, the days go slow

On the way to God don’t know
My brain’s the burger, and my heart’s the coal
I’m tried getting my head clear
I push things out through my mouth, I get refilled through my ears
I get refilled through my ears, I get refilled through my ears

I’m on my way to God don’t know or even care
My brain’s the weak heart and my heart’s the long stairs
My heart’s the long stairs, my heart’s the long stairs
Inland from Vancouver shore,
the ravens and the seagulls push each other inward and outward
Inward and outward

In this place that I call home
My brain’s the cliff, and my heart’s the bitter buffalo
My heart’s the bitter buffalo

We tore one down, and erected another there
The match of the century, absence versus thin air
Absence versus thin air

On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow
The days go so slow

Lookin’  Dismemberment Plan

Sometimes you give me the very same look
You gave me when we first met
The very same eyes and very same smile
How can I forget?
The background is always different
Your hairdo is of its day
But the look is eternal and it’s everlasting
And it always blows me away, blows me away

[Chorus]
What did you say?
What did you say?
What did you say?
Oh I’m sorry
Oh I’m sorry
I was just lookin’

[Verse 2]
Just like a painter returns to his muse
With his hands more slow and sure
Once he wanted to paint her naked
Now he only wants to paint her
Gone is the Mona Lisa
Mystery and in its place
Is a love they know they can’t deny
Written all over her face
All over her face

[Verse 3]
Sometimes you give me the very same look
You’ve been giving me all these years
And every time I do it I think to myself
What a good thing we have here
Oh I’m lucky that you love me
Cause my luck is not that great
And you seem to be made of horseshoes
It’s like you’re blessed by fate
Blessed by fate

[Chorus]
What did you say?
What did you say?
What did you say?
Oh I’m sorry
Oh I’m sorry
I was just lookin’

How Lucky  John Prine

Today I walked down the street I use to wander
Yeah, shook my head and made myself a bet
There was all these things that I don’t think I remember
Hey, how lucky can one man get.

I bronzed my shoes and hung from a rearview mirror
Bronzed admiration in the blind spot of regret
There was all these things that I don’t think I remember
Hey, how lucky can one man get.

Today I walked down the street I use to wander
Yeah, scratched my head and lit my cigarette
Well, there was all these things that I don’t think I remember
Hey, how lucky can one man get.

Today I walked down the street I use to wander
Yeah, shook my head and made myself a bet
There was all these things that I don’t think I remember
Hey, how lucky can one man get.
Hey, how lucky can one man get.
Hey, how lucky can
One ..
Man..
Get.