MERRY COVID CHRISTMAS!

Hey Mr. Martini, how ‘bout some Christmas posts?

Every Saturday in December, we will share a Beers at the Nifty “Christmas classic”. Today’s post originally ran 12/25/2020 – when Covid-19 was cancelling Christmas gatherings nationwide, and the nation had just suffered through Really Old Guys for President, Round One.

Joseph and Mary, expecting their first child, are excited – and mildly nervous.

COVID is raging throughout the land – the 8^th plague visited upon the Egyptians – but it is election season as well, and they’re prepared to do their civic duty and vote.

Unfortunately, as part of a ‘Nazarene Voter Suppression’ movement, they are required to vote in person, and must travel to the precinct of their birth, Bethlehem, PA. After successfully passing a C19 Rapid test, they don their masks, board their donkey, and strike out.

Upon arrival, Mary’s water breaks and labor begins. Due to the recent virus spike all local hospital rooms are occupied; even the recently erected field tent nearby is full. Their last resort a neighbor’s garage.

It is not yet understood that barnyard animals and family pets are ‘super spreaders’ so they’re allowed to remain. However, due to CDC restrictions, Joseph must wait in the neighbor’s ‘man cave’, along with the internet start-up headquartered in the garage.

A passing cab driver is recruited to handle the delivery, everything going smoothly, the Baby happy and healthy. The cabbie nicknames Him the ‘Newborn King’; Mary naming Him Jesus after a favorite cousin in Miami, passing over Joseph’s cousin Elvis.

The choir of Angels recently exposed to a C19 positive Saint, the celebratory music is provided by Spotify. 

The newborn King also honored by the Little Drummer Boy, performing via Zoom. Due to account time constraints, his performance is cut short, but they truly believe he did his best for them.

As part of issuing a birth certificate, a C19 and paternity test are conducted. Both are negative – the latter being something doctors had never seen, remaining unique to this day.

Three wise MAGA men set out to see the newborn, but are stopped at the border wall for inspection. One wise man’s temperature reading is too high, so he is sent to quarantine and banned from Twitter. The other wise men proceed forward, after providing their contact details and being placed on FBI surveillance.

They bring gifts for the Baby, but are required to wipe them down with antiseptic before entering, which makes the myrrh a little sloppy.

The Evil MAGA leader believes Joseph and Mary have voted twice, tweeting a bounty on their heads. The family flees to Delaware, where they meet a kind, but confused, old man, who shouts his offer to help. However, upon learning they have wealthy relatives, he levies a tax upon them.

They ask his help in getting to DC, but he is unwilling to leave his basement. He does recommend using Amtrak, his favorite – “they even have an ‘Olde Fashioned Ice Cream’ car!”. After convincing Amtrak their donkey is a service animal, they arrive in DC by train.

Fortunately for the new parents, their second vote turns out to have been placed for JFK in 1960, stored in a car trunk in Chicago for posterity. Reassured, the Evil Leader tweets they are good to go.  But not in quite those words.

They move to DC, and based upon the Father’s advice to find a recession proof career, Joseph lands a job in Government. Their son takes up a trade and becomes a carpenter. He hopes to benefit from infrastructure projects, but the Aging Leaders can’t agree on the details, so his work is irregular, forcing Him to live at home until his early 30s.

What happens next is a subject for another time – – and a whole lot of Easter sermons.

For 261 more posts like this –each with a wish for peace on earth– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:

Bruce Cockburn is a Canadian singer songwriter, going strong from ’67-’24. ‘Night Train’ one of my ‘this year’s favorite singles’ (from 2002, so I’m late). But I also love “Wonder where the Lions are” “Who put the bullet hole in Peggy’s kitchen Wall?” “Rocket Launcher” ‘Great Big Love’ and ‘Actions Speak Louder Than Words’. But My Captor’s favorite “One of the Best Ones”, quite lovely. They’ve all been added to the BATN playlist, along with the following song about the birth of Jesus.

Cry of a Tiny Babe  Bruce Cockburn

Mary grows a child without the help of a man
Joseph gets upset because he doesn’t understand
Angel comes to Joseph in a powerful dream
Says “God did this, and you’re part of his scheme”
Joseph comes to Mary with his hat in his hand
Says, “Forgive me, I thought you’d been with some other man”
She say, “What if I had been? But I wasn’t anyway
And guess what? I felt the baby kick today”

The child is born in the fullness of time
Three wise astrologers take note of the signs
Come to pay their respects to the fragile little king
Get pretty close to wrecking everything
‘Cause the governing body of the Holy Land
Is that of Herod, a paranoid man
Who when he hears there’s a baby born King of the Jews
Sends death squads to kill all male children under two
But that same bright angel warns the parents in a dream
And they head out for the border and get away clean

And there are others who know about this miracle birth
The humblest of people catch a glimpse of their worth
For it isn’t to the palace that the Christ child comes
But to shepherds and street people, hookers and bums
And the message is clear if you have ears to hear
That forgiveness is given for your guilt and your fears
It’s a Christmas gift that you don’t have to buy
There’s a future shining in a baby’s eye

[Chorus]
Like a stone on the surface of a still river
Driving the ripples on forever
Redemption rips through the surface of time
In the cry of a tiny babe