MERRY CHRISTMAS, LACEY!

As me Mother always said, “You can’t spell Christmas without Hallmark”.

As with so many things – don’t hit your sister, that nun’s got the wrong guy, and gravy is good for you – she was right.

And you might be right if you think Hallmark Christmas movies run year-round, since they re-start on Boxing Day (Canada).

But what’s wrong with feeling good all year, and receiving the happy ending(s) you deserve?

Some aspects of getting older are not great, but there are highlights: Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy hour, my Ringo Starr coffee mug collector set (Barbara Bach’s c-section being the ‘tough get’), and the Hallmark channel.

All of which set us apart from young people (shakes fist angrily!), and their incessant streaming, kale salads and Pelotons. 

And along with days where nothing hurts, older people (shakes fist angrily! – must be momentarily confused) are grateful for Lacey Chabert.

Lacey is the “Queen of the Hallmark Channel”, having appeared in 30+ films.

And Lacey saved the Hallmark Channel…

…re-upping when other Hallmark ‘stars’ defected to the GAC (Great American Family Channel), which produces and airs family friendly formulaic movies with happy endings – novel, huh?

And is now airing family friendly formulaic Christmas movies with happy endings.

And while the competitor channels wish each other “the best, no ill will”, one wonders if Canada is big enough for the both of ‘em.

Obviously, that’s a clever, rhetorical question, because like 80% of the earth is Manitoba, so Canada is really big.

And besides, both channels are apparently American, despite all those Canadian filming locations, Canadian actors (note the mispronunciations of process, aboot, and worcestershire – but in fairness, who can correctly pronounce that last one, even spell check gets it wronng – and Stanley Cup references.

But if GAC has any sense, they will deliver what makes us love the Hallmark Channel – or as we devoted fans call it – the Hallmark Channel.

Part of our ‘Hallmark comfort’ is the very family friendly formula:

Knowing who and what to expect, and when. The current boyfriend/fiance who doesn’t fully appreciate her and weirdly kisses her on the cheek, the past and future love interest with whom she attended prom, the interrupted near-kiss at the :90 mark, and the full-on kiss at 1:57.

As an aside, My Captor and I watched a Netflix ‘Hallmark style’ movie, and a LOT happened at the :90 mark…

The festival with all the fun events: The ax catch (So Canadian!), The Gingerbread Condo decoration contest (So urban!), and the celebratory dance (So celebratory!).        

And of course, happy endings.

A blissful cocoon of happy endings…

Unfortunately, nothing remains happy these days, Hallmark being rocked by multiple controversies:

Allegations of fictional slave labor and sexual harassment, in the fictional kingdom of Galwick. My Captor and I had been planning a fictional trip to Galwick, but have cancelled. The change fees were somehow very real.

The use of Canadian actors has stirred an immigration crisis, with charges of “Cheap Canuck labor steals American jobs! But you can leave the poutine”.

“And you haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1993 – what’s up with that, ‘ey”?

Charges that the cups of hot cocoa are really empty! I’m not totally sure why this is a controversy, but young people (shakes fist angrily!) just need something to rant about on social media.

And what’s so mysterious about the movies and mysteries channel?

Me? I’m choosing to ignore the whole mess, and just keep enjoying the happy endings.

And retreat into my new hobby: My Lacey Chabert coffee mug collector set – the ‘Meg Griffin voice, Family Guy season one’ being the ‘tough get’.

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

She’s the One Andrew Kingslow    From”It was Always You” starring Erin Krakow and Tyler Hines, 2 of our favorite Hallmark regulars

Bill Bailey, Won’t you please come home  Covered by everyone from Ella to Harry Connick Jr. to Preservation Hall Jazz Band   Used at a key moment in “Surprised by Love” my favorite Hallmark film, starring my favorite HM actor Paul Campbell. Also features Tim Conway in his last role – hilarious as expected.

Harvest Festival  XTC 

See the flowers round the altar
See the peaches in tins ‘neath the headmaster’s chair
Harvest festival

See the two who’ve been chosen
See them walk hand in hand to the front of the hall

Harvest festival
Harvest festival
What was best of all was the
Longing look you gave me
That longing look
More than enough to keep me fed all year

See the children with baskets
See their hair cut like corn neatly combed in their rows

Harvest festival
Harvest festival
What was best of all was the
Longing look you gave me
That longing look
Across the hymnbooks and the canvas chairs
The longing look you gave me
That longing look
More than enough to keep me fed all year

What a year when the exams and crops all failed
Of course you passed but you were never seen again
We all grew and we got screwed and cut and nailed
Then out of nowhere invitation in gold pen

See the flowers round the altar
See that you too got married and I wish you well

Harvest festival
Harvest festival
What was best of all was the
Longing look you gave me
That longing look
Across the hymnbooks and the canvas chairs
The longing look you gave me
That longing look
More than enough to keep me fed all year

Harvest festival

Laws of the Administration Groucho Marx

Is there any better fictional kingdom than Freedonia, led by Groucho as Rufus T. Firefly? Duck Soup was one of the Marx Brother’s best: Hail Freedonia! Freedonia rules the world!  Amazing how the lyrics fit today’s political cesspool.

Sung:
For our information, Just for illustration
Tell us how you intend to run the nation

Rufus T. Firefly:
These are the laws of my administration

No one’s allowed to smoke
Or tell a dirty joke
And whistling is forbidden

Chorus:
We’re not allowed to tell a dirty joke

Hail, hail Freedonia

Rufus:
If chewing gum is chewed
The chewer is pursued
And in the hoosegow hidden

Chorus:
If we choose to chew we’ll be pursued

Rufus:
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be prohibited
I’ll put my foot down, so shall it be
This is the land of the free

The last man nearly ruined this place
He didn’t know what to do with it
If you think this country’s bad off now,
Just wait ’til I get through with it

The country’s taxes must be fixed
And I know what to do with it
If you think you’re paying too much now
Just wait till I get through with it

*Whistle*

I will not stand for anything that’s crooked or unfair
I’m strictly on the up-and-up, so everyone beware
If any man’s caught taking graft, and I don’t get my share
We stand him up against the wall and pop! Goes the weasel

Chorus:
So everyone beware, you’re stricken or unfair
——-unless he gets his share

Rufus:
If any man should come between a husband and his bride
We’ll find out which one she prefers by letting her decide
If she prefers the other man, the husband steps outside
We stand him up against the wall and pop! Goes the weasel

Lydia, the Tattooed Lady  Groucho Mark from “At the Circus” it later became his theme song. Written by Harold Arlen (music) and Yip Harburg (lyrics) – who also teamed up on the Wizard of Oz soundtrack. Love when someone names their daughter Lydia, I sing this in my head for hours.

Also covered by The Dead Milkmen – actually a pretty cool treatment

Oh Lydia, Oh Lydia
Now have you met Lydia
Lydia the tattooed lady
She has muscles men adore-so
And a torso even more-so
Oh, Lydia, Oh Lydia
Now have you met Lydia
Lydia the queen of tattoo
On her back is the battle of Waterloo
Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus too
And proudly above waves the red white and blue
You can learn a lot from Lydia

There’s Grover Walen unveilin’ the Trylon
Over on the West Coast we have Treasure Island
There’s Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon
And Lady Godiva–but with her pajamas on
She can give you a view of the world in tattoo
If you step up and tell her where
Mon Paree, Kankakee, even Perth by the sea
Or of Washington crossing the Delaware.

Oh Lydia, Oh Lydia, now have you met Lydia
Lydia the queen of them all
She has a view of Niagara which nobody has
And Basin Street known as the birthplace of jazz
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz!
You can learn a lot from Lydia!
–Lydia the queen of tattoo!

Hooray for Captain Spalding Groucho Marx from “Animal Crackers”

Zeppo, talk-singing]
There’s something that I’d like to state
That he’s too modest to relate
The Captain is a moral man
Sometimes he finds it trying

[Groucho]
This fact I’ll emphasize with stress:
I never take a drink unless
Somebody’s buying!

[Party guests]
The Captain is a very moral man!

[Zeppo, talk-singing]
If he hears anything obscene
He’ll naturally repel it

[Groucho]
I hate a dirty joke I do
Unless it’s told by someone whooo —
Knows how to tell it!

[Party guests]
The Captain is a very moral man!
Hooray for Captain Spaulding
The African Explorer!

[Groucho]
Did someone call me Schnorrer?

[Party guests]
Hooray hooray hooray!

[Zeppo, talk-singing]
He went into the jungle
Where all the monkeys THROW nuts

[Groucho]
If I stay here I’ll GO nuts

[Party guests]
Hooray hooray hooray!
He put all his reliance
In courage and defiance
And risked his life for science!

[Groucho]
Hey hey!

[Margaret Dumont]
He is the only white man
Who covered every acre –

We’re Going to War Groucho Mark from “Duck Soup”; was featured in Woody Allen’s Hannah and her Sisters – Allen plays a hypochondriac who fears he is dying. He runs panic stricken and ducks into a movie theatre which is playing Duck Soup. It makes him laugh and restores his optimism.

FREEDONIA’S GOING TO WAR
–  EACH NATIVE SON WILL GRAB A GUN
–  AND RUN AWAY TO WAR
–  AT LAST WE’RE GOING TO
                  
 FEET WILL BEAT ALONG
  THE STREET TO WAR
                  
–  WE’RE GOING TO WAR
–  AT LAST OUR COUNTRY’S GOING TO WAR
–  OUR COUNTRY’S GOING TO WAR
–  THE COUNTRY’S GOING TO WAR
  WE’RE GOING TO WAR
 THIS IS A FACT   WE CAN’T IGNORE
  WE’RE GOING TO WAR, THIS IS
  A FACT WE CAN’T IGNORE   WE’RE GOING TO WAR
                  
 IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD BEFORE
I THINK THEY THINK WE’RE GOING TO WAR
                  
  WE’RE GOING TO WAR
 I THINK THEY THINK   WE’RE GOING TO WAR
                  
  WE’RE GOING TO WAR
 GOING TO WAR
                  
–  WE’RE GOING TO WAR
–  WE’RE GOING TO WAR

  [ Drums ]
                  
 TO WAR, TO WAR
  WE’RE FINALLY GOING TO WAR
                  
 HI-DE, HI-DE
   HI-DE, HI-DE HO
                  
 TO WAR, TO WAR
   TO WAR WE’RE GONNA GO
                  
HI-DE, HI-DE
   HI-DE, HI-DE HO
HI-DE, HI-DE
   HI-DE, HI-DE HO
HI-DE, HI-DE
   HI-DE, HI-DE HO
HI-DE, HI-DE
   HI-DE, HI-DE HO
OH, OH
   OH, OH, OH
OH, OH
   OH, OH, OH
OH, OH
OH, OH

THEY GOT GUNS
  WE GOT GUNS
ALL GOD’S CHILLUN
  GOT GUNS
WE’RE GONNA WALK ALL OVER
  THE BATTLEFIELD
‘CAUSE ALL GOD’S
  CHILDREN GOT GUNS
                  
 OH FREEDONIA
   OH DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME
  ‘CAUSE I’M COMING
  ‘ROUND THE MOUNTAIN   WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE
OH FREEDONIA
   OH DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME
‘CAUSE I’M COMING
  ‘ROUND THE MOUNTAIN
WITH A BANJO
ON MY
 [ Cheering ]
  [ Fanfare ]
TO WAR, TO WAR
   TO WAR WE’RE GONNA GO
TO WAR, TO WAR
   TO WAR
TO WAR, TO WAR
  WE SOON WILL SAY GOOD-BYE
HOW WE’LL CRY FOR FIREFLY
  IF FIREFLY SHOULD DIE
A MIGHTY MAN IS HE
A MAN OF BRAWN WHO’LL CARRY ON
  ‘TIL DAWN OF VICTORY
WITH HIM TO LEAD THE WAY
  OUR SPIRITS WILL NOT LAG
UNTIL THE JUDGMENT DAY
  WE’LL RALLY ‘ROUND THE FLAG
THE FLAG, THE FLAG
   THE FLAG