OR ARE THOSE COVID PROJECTILES?

Hopeless romantic? Or hapless grifter?

Today we celebrate the feast of St. Valentine, a Christian Saint, martyred for his faith. He is the patron saint of beekeepers and epilepsy (sufferers, I hope), among other things. But today is attributed to the letters he sent while imprisoned, that have inspired what we now know as ‘valentines’.

In the spirit of the holiday, I made my Captor’s Valentine, but after applying hand sanitizer, and then cleanser to the card, it was a bit smeared and soggy. But sanitary. And nothing says love like handmade, right? Well, someone needs to remind my Captor of that, but I digress. 

Is the Saint really the Saint?

Based upon a Facebook profile I unearthed, he may have been the ultimate con man. One version of the “Saint” portrays him as 3 credits short of an undergraduate degree, yet later earning an MBA at Harvard. The “Saint” moniker apparently was his Rap persona, used while DJing in College. He struggled in a series of dead end jobs, later making his way to Kansas City where he landed a Marketing position at Hallmark, in the Holiday Department.

At Hallmark, his idea for a Holiday based on love and remembrance – Valentines Day! – enabled Hallmark to sell millions of cards, and earned him respect and rapid promotions. First to VP, Faux Holidays, and then to Senior VP, Bullshit Holidays. It was during his tenure in the latter that he led development of the deluge of “Wait, is that really a Holiday?, Holidays”. These included Bellum Day, Antebellum Day and Ante-Antebellum Day, as well as a string of Holidays that either glorified or denigrated Grandparents, depending on your relationship with your family. But all of which sold lots of cards.

But in today’s woke climate – where even Abraham Lincoln is persona non grata for rooting against the Cleveland Indians – how long will Valentines Day survive?

And will all of us go down with it?

I for one, didn’t give Valentines to every child in my class. As a result, what sort of evil intent will I have to apologize for in the future?

How about those cards we gave that said “I Luv You”. At their worst, were those cards some form of harassment? Or at their best, a putdown of kids who couldn’t spell?

Or giving candy to our classmates? Was that a contribution to type 2 diabetes? Sponsorship of the Obesity Epidemic? A veiled way to make fun of the fat kid (now known as “short for his weight”)?

And it is challenging to contemplate the legality of a minor accepting any expression of affection from a teacher – please tell me it isn’t happening these days. Even Virtually.

So, as Ricky famously said, We all have some ‘splaining to do. And apologies to offer, which hopefully will come across as sincere. And sufficient.

But help is on the way. After inventing the “Stop the Steal” Holiday – a poorly timed promotion for LoJack car theft devices – St. Valentine was fired by Hallmark. He is now a PR Consultant, helping those who are cancelled for past ‘sins’ apologize for their past ‘sins’.

I have to go as well. I have 3 more 4th grade classmates to deliver Valentines to, so I can stay one step ahead of the Mob.

To enhance your enjoyment of this post, pair it with the following songs:

“Look Out, there is Danger. Even in the simple word Hello.”

Closest     Matt Pond, PA

“Blame It on Cain, Don’t Blame it on me. It’s Nobody’s fault, but we need someone to blame.”

Blame It on Cain    Elvis Costello

 “Is there anything a man don’t stand to lose, when the Devil Comes to take it all away?”

Mexicali Blues   Grateful Dead

“Some things you do for money, some things you do for love.

The things you do for love will come back to you, one by one”

Love, Love. Love   Mountain Goats