INMATES IN CHARGE

What was that noise? Where’s John?

Our mantra the past week, while we were on Queenie and Pa duty.

In what seemed like a good idea at the time, we volunteered to keep Hugh Eave’s older brothers for a week. Or maybe it was the result of some long lost videotapes that surfaced at an inopportune time.

Either way, we were halfway through South Carolina when I realized we had a 4 year and 19 month old in the car’s backseat, headed to the beach.

And while My Captor and I raised a whole bunch of kids, it has been long enough ago that we’d forgotten what was involved. Which is likely why we volunteered… this past week has been a flashback to those days. On the plus side, I had hair then.

Back in the day, I found raising children easy. If they were being tough to reason with, I just worked late and let My Captor deal with them.

We were quickly reminded that dealing with a 4 year old is like negotiating with a terrorist. But terrorists are better groomed.

John, James’ younger brother, was perpetual motion, perpetual ‘into everything’. I haven’t chased anyone so much since My Captor, on our honeymoon.

Our house wasn’t childproofed, a weakness he exploited repeatedly.

As an aside, our most effective childproofing was my vasectomy.

Things have changed since our day.

My Dad proudly owned a Corvair, billed as “Unsafe at any speed”. The exhaust vented into the car – it caused a ‘Nagasaki headache’ and severe memory loss – and we rode in the front seat standing in Dad’s lap.

Today, parents perform a 49 step safety check before driving, and car seats are ultra-modern and designed for optimal safety. But with boys in winter coats, I just wish I could get the damn thing buckled.

Every electrical outlet in today’s house is childproofed. We were encouraged to poke a screwdriver in ours, so we’d learn “what not to do”.

Our grandchildren drink organic milk, from cows free of emotional issues. When we were little, we were given cotton candy made from asbestos.

Streaming services now offer quality educational programming – when children are allowed to watch – while we drew the “Bible Story” and “Old Yeller” on our Etch-a-Sketches.

And with FaceTime, they were able to talk to their parents multiple times a day. I didn’t speak to my parents at all in 1973 when I was away at college.

But it was comforting that a new generation ignored my “folksy life lessons” as eagerly as my own children.  

Needless to say, it was a long – but rewarding – week. Also needless to say, Dry January went by the boards pretty quick.

If my Doctor ever gives me a month to live, I will volunteer to watch a 2 year old to make it seem like years.

As the week wore on, we put them to bed a little earlier every night. By the last night, we had to wake John from his nap so we could put him to bed.

How many times did we hear our names called during the week? And that was from each other, shouting for backup.

And while we feared their parents would say “we’ve got Covid, can you do one more week?” it was an incredibly sad day when we returned them and collected our deposit. And we miss them already.

Now what?

Maybe we’ll leave sharp things lying around while we take a long nap…

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

I Don’t Want to grow Up  Tom Waits

When I’m lyin’ in my bed at night, I don’t wanna grow up
Nothin’ ever seems to turn out right, I don’t wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog, That’s always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog, When I see the price that you pay
I don’t wanna grow up, I don’t ever wanna be that way
I don’t wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things, That they’d never want
The only thing to live for, Is today…
I’m gonna put a hole in my TV set, I don’t wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest, And I don’t wanna grow up
I don’t wanna have to shout it out, I don’t want my hair to fall out
I don’t wanna be filled with doubt, I don’t wanna be a good boy scout
I don’t wanna have to learn to count, I don’t wanna have the biggest amount
I don’t wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight, I don’t wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night, And I don’t wanna grow up
I’d rather stay here in my room, Nothin’ out there but sad and gloom
I don’t wanna live in a big old Tomb, On Grand Street

When I see the 5 o’clock news, I don’t wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes, I don’t wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown, I don’t wanna put no money down
I don’t wanna get me a big old loan, Work them fingers to the bone
I don’t wanna float a broom, Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon, I don’t wanna grow up

Big Sister’s Clothes  Elvis Costello

Sheep to the slaughter, oh I thought this must be love
All your sons and daughters, in a strangle hold with a kid glove
She’s got eyes like saucers, oh you think she’s a dish
She is the blue chip that belongs to the big fish

But it’s easier to say “I love you”
Than “Yours sincerely”; I suppose
All little sisters like to try on big sister’s clothes
Big sister’s clothes

The sport of kings, the old queen’s heart
The prince in darkness stole some tart
And it’s in the papers, it’s in the charts
It’s in the stop press before it all starts

With a hammer on the slap and tickle under grisly garments
With all the style and finesse of the purchase of armaments
Compassion went out of fashion
That’s all your concern meant
Sweat it out for thirty seconds on home improvements

But it’s easier to say “I love you”
Than “Yours sincerely”; I suppose
All little sisters like to try on big sister’s clothes
Big sister’s clothes

Ooh La La  Faces

Poor old Granddad, I laughed at all his words
I thought he was a bitter man
He spoke of women’s ways
They’ll trap you when they use you
Before you even know
For love is blind and you’re far to kind
Don’t ever let it show

I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger

The can-can such a pretty show
Will steal your heart away
But backstage back on earth again
The dressing rooms are grey
They come on strong and it ain’t too long
For they make you feel a man
But love is blind and you soon will find
You’re just a boy again

When you want her lips, you get her cheek
Makes you wonder where you are
If you want some more then she’s fast asleep
Leaves you twinkling with the stars
Poor young grandson there’s nothing I can say
You’ll have to learn, just like me, And that’s the hardest way

Ooh la la, Ooh la la, la la, yeah

I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger

Tenderness On the Block  Warren Zevon

Mama, where’s your pretty little girl tonight?
Trying to run before she can walk, that’s right
She’s growing up, she has a young man waiting

Wide eyes, she’ll be street-wise, To the lies and the jive talk
But she’ll find true love, And tenderness on the block

Daddy, don’t you ask her when she’s coming in
And when she’s home don’t ask her where she’s been
She’s going out, she has a young man waiting
She’s going out, can’t keep her young man waiting

She’ll be okay, let her have her day, ‘Cause it’s a long way, it’s a long walk
But she’ll find true love, And tenderness on the block

I know how much it hurts to see her go, She has a mind of her own, you know
She’s all grown up, she has a young man waiting

She was wide-eyed, now she’s street-wise, To the lies and the jive talk
But she’ll find true love, And tenderness on the block

Too Hard  Kurt Vile

Take your time, So they say
And that’s probably the best way to be
But what about those who are followers and what about hit artists
I will promise to do my very best
To do my duty for god and my country even though im just human, after all .
I will promise not to smoke to much and I will promise not to party
Too hard
Too hard
Its too hard
Did you remember the cylophone that took you everywhere from home
Well I did
Well i’ve tried
Life is like a ball of beauty
That makes you want to just cry
Then you die, Yeah yeah yeah
I will promise to go out of my way, to do the right thing from now on, believe me baby
There comes a time in every mans life when hes got to take hold of the hands that aint his but it is
Take your time so they say,
And that’s got to be the best way
But what about those who are fathers and what about the others
I know that you don’t know a stranger, But i’m no stranger than the rest
And i’m no stranger to you
Yeah yeah yeah

Take your time they say
Is all around and I think I’ve seen I ‘ve noticed where i’m bound
There comes a time in every mans life where he got to hold tight to the heart of the matter of hands
So take your time baby girl
Because that’s, that’s the best of all
One day you’ll believe me, I will promise to do my very best, to do my very best for you
And that wont be to hard
Too hard