INMATES FIRE BACK! - Beers at the Nifty

Adults ruin everything!

You may have read a recent post referring to my brother and me as “Inmates”, a characterization we strongly deny.

This will serve as our response to that poorly written piece of libel. We apologize in advance for any odd grammar, as our See N Spell device is a bit off.

Adults want way too much control, which is why they ruin everything. Everything from childcare to kid’s lunches to children’s programming.

Maybe Pa is right, my negotiation style is a bit on the ‘terrorist’ side – he had Nuns in school, he should know – but since parents no longer hit their children, what leverage do they have? Ooh, time out, I’m so scared…

But you can’t get to stay up later, or have another snack if you don’t demand, so yeah, I’m a tough negotiator. And I’m learning a lot from John’s style, we are a great team.

My brother has been accused of “getting into everything”, but he claims it’s just “intellectual curiosity”. He reminds me that if they put it up there (points to “up there”), it must be worth checking out.

When things are a little rocky, he does his “What’s in your mouth, John?” routine. He has our parents trained to play that game over and over.

His other gimmick is his best smile, as in “C’mon John, give us your best smile!” at which point he makes a goofy face. Slays ‘em every time. And gives me time to grab that extra snack or giass of milk undetected.

And when our Dad is watching football, John runs in and cries “Football!” Painfully obvious, incredibly effective. I smuggled a box of fruit snacks while he pulled that one.

And I know Queenie and Pa are all like “We raised 6 kids, we know what we’re doing”, but c’mon…

When one of you would tell us what to do, why did the other repeat it? And generally louder. And maybe one more time, even louder. I can just picture them on vacation in a foreign country…

The “we’re not listening” bit is one of our best. Pa’s throat was so hoarse one day, he thought he had Covid. We laughed all through naptime!

And the beach is fun, really cool, but how many times do you have to ask “Isn’t this fun?”

And enough FaceTime already. Can’t you just look at our pictures?

All the things adults have ‘childproofed’ are really ‘adult proofed’: Car seats, strollers, Rx bottles … You try to protect us from everything and it backfires!

While we’re at it, we would really like some edgier kid’s programming – things are rough out there and we need to get prepared for the real world. Its time to “Defund Paw Patrol!”

And we ignored Pa’s ‘folksy life lessons’ just like his own kids, but we did learn about “get yours” when Pa got himself a beer before he gave us our milk. And we sure aren’t listening to his fashion advice. Or those Old Man Rants – Pa, you ain’t a kid anymore, get over it!

We see the ‘parenting weirdness’ starting with Hugh: the inane “Peek a Boo!” and “Where’s Hugh?” games. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be amused?

You treat us like little kids, but we’d appreciate more trust. Let us choose: What foods we eat – chicken nuggets for every meal, What we watch – Harry Potter Marathons, and our Bed time – 10 minutes after our parents! And no more naps!

Thank you for listening. We now open the page to Pa for his response.

(Pa) Maybe a lot of that is true, but we were just trying to repeat the mistakes our parents made.

When I was a kid, we loved naptime! My parents couldn’t afford new clothes for all of us, and my sister’s hand me downs were too small, so kids made fun of the way I dressed! (voice goes louder) I was beaten by Nuns and Jesuits, it made me a better man! Listen to your parents, they love you…

(Pa senses reader is getting bored)

“Do you want to see what’s in my mouth?”

For 87 more posts like this –each of which is full of childlike innocence – go to beersatthenifty.com

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

I Fought the Law Bobby Fuller Five, The Clash and others.

Written by Sonny Curtis, an original Cricket, and definitely worth checking out his background on Wikipedia. He even wrote and sang the Mary Tyler Moore show theme song

Breakin’ rocks in the hot sun, I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I needed money ’cause I had none
I fought the law and the law won, I fought the law and the law won

I left my baby and it feels so bad, Guess my race is run
She’s the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law and the law won
Robbin’ people with a six-gun, I fought the law and the law won

I lost my girl and I lost my fun, I fought the law and the law won

I left my baby and it feels so bad, Guess my race is run
She’s the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law and the law won

Thirteen Elliott Smith

Won’t you let me walk you home from school?
Won’t you let me meet you at the pool?
Maybe Friday I can, Get tickets for the dance
And I’ll take you, Oh, oh, oh

Won’t you tell your dad to get off my back?
Tell him what we said about “Paint It Black”
Rock and roll is here to stay, Come inside now, it’s ok
And I’ll shake you, Oh, oh, oh

Won’t you tell me what you’re thinking of?
Would you be an outlaw for my love?
If it’s so then let me know, If it’s no then I can go
And I won’t make you, Oh, oh, oh

Conventional Wisdom Built to Spill

Sometimes life surprises, Cause you’d never expect it to be that
Dangerous disguises, That you never expect to see

Some things never change, Nothings gonna change that
Some things you can’t explain
Like why we’re all embracing conventional wisdom in a world that’s just so unconventional

Made you turn around, But you never expected to see that
That’s what makes that sound, That you never expect to hear

Some things never change, Some things wanna change that
Some things you can’t explain
Like why we’re all embracing conventional wisdom in a world that’s just so unconventional

They don’t know they’re wrong, But you know that they never can see that
That’s what makes them strong, That they know that we’ll never see

Eyes of the World Grateful Dead (Find the live version with Branford Marsalis)

Right outside this lazy summer home, You ain’t got time to call your soul a critic no
Right outside the lazy gate of winter’s summer home
Wondering where the nut-thatch winters
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
The heart has it’s beaches, it’s homeland and thoughts of it’s own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
But the heart has it’s seasons, it’s evenings and songs of it’s own

There comes a redeemer, and he slowly too fades away
And there follows his wagon behind him that’s loaded with clay
And the seeds that were silent all burst into bloom, and decay
And night comes so quiet, it’s close on the heels of the day

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own

Mama Don’t JJ Cale

Yeah, Mama don’t allow no guitar playing ’round here
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no guitar playing ’round here
I don’t care what mama don’t allow, I’ll play my guitar anyhow
Mama don’t allow no guitar playing ’round here
Hey, Mama don’t allow no bass in this place
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no bass in this place
I don’t care what mama don’t allow, I’ll play my bass anyhow
Mama don’t allow no bass in this place
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no drumming going on
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no drumming going on
I don’t care what mama don’t allow, Gonna play my drums anyhow
Mama don’t allow no drumming going on
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no piano players in here
Mama don’t allow no piano players in here
I don’t care what mama don’t allow, Gonna play my piano anyhow
Mama don’t allow no piano players in here
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no reefer-smoking round about
Yeah, Mama don’t allow no reefer-smoking round about
Yeah, I don’t care what mama don’t allow
I’m gonna smoke my reefer anyhow
Mama don’t allow no reefer in here
Mama don’t allow us all playing at the same time
Mama don’t allow us all playing at the same time
I don’t care what mama don’t allow
We’re all gonna play all at the same time anyhow
Mama don’t allow us all playing at the same time

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