IDES OF MARCH: A REMEMBRANCE

Our youngest niece graduates from college this May, and like so many of her peers, it will be a different, pandemic influenced experience.

She is my younger brother’s youngest child, the fifth of five and the only girl. Unlike her brothers she was able to finish college in 4 years – funny how much trouble boys can have getting that “one course I need” – and given the cost to attend Creighton, a financial blessing.

Dan’s kids have turned out to be good citizens, as we would have expected. Back when our kids were growing up, whenever I was asked how they were doing, I replied: “Great. They’re in school and out of jail,” which fit for Dan’s kids as well. They are incredibly proud parents.

And Dan has turned out to be a good citizen as well, the type this country was built on: Dependable, hard-working, and respectful. A great little league and soccer coach – patient and encouraging – which is what all parents hope for our children’s sports experiences.

He had a successful career in banking, and is now steering the plane to retirement. His diversions remain the St. Louis Cardinals, Husker football and Georgetown basketball.

A great father, husband, brother and friend.

I’ve written the preceding “waking fever dream” on March 15^th in my head for the past 32 years, but am now finally writing it down. It is my annual tradition to commemorate Dan’s birthday.

My brother was murdered by a drunk driver in 1989, so in part this is a story of staggering loss. But it is also about dealing with loss – which everyone does in their own way. Some more successfully than others, I guess.

For me, imagining his unlived life is my attempt at closure. Some attempts are more successful than others, I guess. Writing works better than talking, for me at least.

Speaking of closure, my very Irish mother (married on St. Patrick’s Day) only believed her deceased relatives were OK when they reappeared to her. Which they did. Yes, it creeped me out, too.

After enough time, memories are sketchier, but always there. For me, and other survivors of loss, I would imagine, I miss him every day. But really miss him on ‘shared interest occasions’, like when the Braves played the Cardinals in the playoffs and we would have talked during each game.

I was the one who volunteered to cancel his honeymoon arrangements – he was 6 weeks from his wedding – which was a series of phone calls that never leave me. One benefit: I will always remember that the little things aren’t all that worth worrying about.

The original draft of this post included how Dan’s friends and family dealt with their loss, but it is incredibly presumptuous to claim to know how others feel, so that portion was deleted. Most of it colored their efforts as successful, but then I recalled a work friend who had lost a son, but seemed to be doing fine. In response to what in hindsight I recognized as a really stupid question – “Is it getting better?”, replied “It never gets better”.

Three inspirations:

My Father lost his wife and youngest child in a 2 year span, and lived to survive and thrive. A tough dude. What do I have to complain about?

Dan’s fiancé is the most amazing story of rebirth I can imagine. She later married a widower with two young sons, and they went on to have 4 sons of their own. So, God got something right in this equation.

My “Captor” got me through the experience, then and now. She makes our life worth living each day. We are incredibly lucky…

My lesson from this?  Keep your loved ones close to you. They give life meaning. If you have a loved one you haven’t told I love you lately, say it now. Always say it now.

I will leave you with my Christmas letter reminder:  

If you take any of this for granted, you ain’t paying attention…

TO ENHANCE YOUR READING ENJOYMENT, PAIR THIS POST WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Within You, Without You   The Beatles

“When you’ve seen beyond yourself then you may find
Peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come when you see we’re all one
And life flows on within you and without you”

Danny Boy  The Pogues

“So if you’ve died and crossed the stream before us,
We pray that angels met you on the shore;
And you’ll look down, and gently you’ll implore us
To live so we may see your smiling face once more”

Long Way to the Light   The Waterboys

“If you want to give God a laugh, Tell Him your plans”

The Wedding Song    Bob Dylan

“And if there is eternity, I’ll love you there again”

If she could cry Miracle Legion

“If she could cry, I’m sure she would”

•  And a quote from Warren Zevon. When asked “What have you learned?” as he was nearing the end of his battle with cancer:

“Enjoy Every Sandwich”