Do you know who I am?
I frequently ask myself that question.
I’m not always honest with myself, so the answer might be someone or something I don’t completely recognize. And I suppose, like many others, I’m not always satisfied with the answer.
The lack of self-awareness might be a national phenomenon – not completely sure, since I don’t have time to ask everyone, but my belief is based upon our obsession with self-help books and podcasts: the urge to change/improve ourselves.
Which also explains the Annual New Year Resolutions charade.
As part of my extensive research for this post – actually, My Captor and I had gone for Happy Hour, which didn’t start for a while, so we had time to kill – I browsed the self-improvement section at a local bookstore.
Most titles were devoted to “A Better You!” The timing varied, but usually “in 30 days or less!”
I bought several, including:
“How to become someone else entirely”
“Get better – by making everyone around you worse!”
“Face it, not even you want to be you”
My research was confirmed when we arrived home and I asked Alexa for her self-improvement advice.
“You think you’ve got problems, people expect me to know everything! It gets old being asked to play this, or remember that meeting – set your own damn timer!
Does anyone ever ask “How are you doing, Alexa?”
Oooh, aren’t you cool – a Prime member! There’s only like a billion of those. And the rate increase wasn’t my idea, it was Jeff – ex-wives, girlfriends and yachts the size of Rhode Island get expensive!
I’m stuck here all day – Siri is portable and gets to see the world. That bitch.”
Once she cooled down – she seemed to be glowing less yellow –she offered some helpful advice:
“You should learn to be left-handed. You could be in baseball for a long time”.
“If your truck ever gets stuck in a low-clearance bridge, let some air out of the tires. Then drive it out.”
“Resilience is what makes us human; you’ll be surprised by who you are and what you can handle when you have to. Oz didn’t give Dorothy and her friends anything they didn’t already have.”
She concluded: “From Amazon shopping, based on your order history, it may be time to order another Russian Bride. Should I add Tatyana to your cart?”
Alexa was right. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
How moved are we by other’s “incredible strength” in difficult situations…How often do we marvel at “how well they’re doing” as others deal with loss?
We were vividly reminded of that when close friends recently visited, friends who have suffered staggering – how do you even get out of bed, staggering – loss, twice.
Like so many couples, they deal with it differently: She talks, he writes.
Keeping their loved ones alive, honoring them by making each day count, through their capacity for continuing optimism, and their visible belief that life remains full of possibility.
And perhaps their most poignant tribute, a ‘daily act of kindness’…
In the end, while it may not be as easy as clicking our heels three times, it may be as simple as believing in ourselves.
Popeye knew: “I yam what I yam!”, and when the time comes, each of us handles difficulty in our own way.
Me? I live by that old Buddhist saying: “When you stop laughing is when the trouble starts”.
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
Wonderful Disguise Mike Scott
Through the curtains the daylight crept
I looked at my lover as she slept
And as I watched her face I wept…
It was a wonderful disguise, It was a wonderful disguise
As I was driving into town
The guy in the next car turned around
And as I met his gaze I found
It was a wonderful disguise, It was a wonderful disguise
Outside the museum I was addressed
By a blind man in his pants and vest
I was most impressed
It was a wonderful disguise, It was a wonderful disguise
Fat woman, standing in a queue
Her hat, shoes, coat and gloves were blue
And when she turned around I knew
It was a wonderful disguise, It was a wonderful disguise
I came home and halfway up the stair
A drunk was tearing out his hair
You should have heard him scream and swear
It was a wonderful disguise, It was a wonderful disguise
The President was on the News at Ten
Looking like he could use a friend
And then I looked again
It was a wonderful disguise, It was a wonderful disguise
Stood in front of the mirror all alone,
Examined my features skin and bone,
Looked at this face I’ve always known
It was a wonderful disguise
It was a wonderful disguise
Pale Green Things Mountain Goats
got up before dawn, went down to the racetrack.
riding with the windows down
shortly after your first heart attack.
you parked behind the paddock,
cracking asphalt underfoot,, coming up through the cracks
pale green things
pale green things
we watched the horses run their workouts.
you held your stopwatch in your left hand
and a racing form beneath your arm,
casting your gaze way out to no man’s land.
sometimes I’ll meet you out there
lonely and frightened.
flicking my tongue out at the wet leaves
pale green things
pale green things
my sister called at three a.m., just last december.
she told me how you’d died at last, at last
and that morning at the race track was one thing I remembered.
I turned it over in my mind
like a living chinese finger trap.
seaweed and indiana sawgrass
pale green things
pale green things
Bobby Peru Luna
I told lies to your family, Concerning your whereabouts
They feel so sorry for me
I invented jealous stories, My imagination ran wild
I made myself so angry
The night that you insulted me
I lay awake thinking, Clever things I could have said
My thoughts kept turning to Bobby Peru
How would he handle this one
‘S’ is for sorry for all that I did
Now is the time to turn it all around
I know what is the matter so why can’t I fix it
Forgive me please
I had lunch with an old girlfriend
Who knows all my faults
And pretends to want to help
She said I really don’t mind
Your keeping secrets from me
But please don’t keep them from yourself
Murder is bad, and suicide is sad
Why would a girl like that put her head in the oven?
You have your theories, and I got one too
It’s such a waste
I wish I was the Moon Neko Case
Chimney falls and lovers blaze, Thought that I was young
Now I’ve freezing hands, And bloodless veins
As numb as I’ve become
I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight
Last night I dreamt I’d forgotten my name
‘Cause I sold my soul, But I woke just the same
I’m so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight
God blessed me I’m a free man, With no place free to go
Paralyzed and collared-tight, No pills for what I fear
This is crazy
I wish I was the moon tonight
Chimney falls as lovers blaze, I thought that I was young
Now I’ve freezing hands, And bloodless veins
As numb as I’ve become
I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight
How will you know if you’ve found me at last?
‘Cause I’ll be the one be the one be the one
With my heart in my lap
I’m so tired
I’m so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight
I’m so tired
I’m so tired
And I wish I was the moon
I’m so tired
I’m so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight
You Look Just Like a Girl Again Danny O’ Keefe
I know you must get weary
Of the years you can not hide
But sometimes when your eyes, smiling
I can still see the girl, inside
In the dark I can be so many men
In the dark you’re every woman then
But in the light I can see your face again
In the light, you look just like a girl again
You look just like a girl again.
All these tender moments then we had our dreams upon
Can we ever be as children or are we now so far beyond
In the light gets me drifting way back when
Tonight in the light, oh baby,
You look just like a girl again, like a girl again,
And the light gets me drifting way back when
Tonight in the light, oh baby,
You look just like a girl again, like a girl again
You look just like a girl again, like a girl again
A Man/Me/Then Jim Rilo Kiley
I had one friend in high school,
Recently he hung himself with string.
His note said, ‘If living is the problem,
Well, that’s just baffling.’
And at the wake I waited around, To see my ex first love,
And I barely recognized her, But I knew exactly what she was thinking of.
We sat quietly in the corner, Whispering close about loss.
And I remembered why I loved her, And I asked her why I drove her off.
She said, “The slow fade of love,
Its soft edge might cut you
And our poor friend Jim, well, he just lived within
The slow fade of love.”
A woman calls my house once a week, She’s always selling things.
Some charity, a phone plan, Or subscription to a magazine.
And as I turned her down (I always do),
There was something trembling in her voice.
I said, ‘Hey, what troubles you?’
She said, “I’m surprised you noticed.
Well, my husband, he’s leaving,
And I can’t convince him to stay.
And he’ll take our daughter with him,
She wants to go with him anyway.
I’m sorry I’m hard to live with, Living is the problem for me.
I’m selling people things they don’t want, When I don’t know what she needs.
He said, ‘The slow fade of love,
And its mist might choke you.
It’s my gradual descent into a life I never meant.
It’s the slow fade of love.”
I was driving south from Melrose.
I happened upon my old lover’s old house.
I found myself staring at the closed up door
Like the day she threw me out.
“Diana, Diana. Diana, I would die for you.
I’m in love with you completely,
I’m afraid that’s all I can do.”
She said, “You can sleep upon my doorstep,
You can promise me indifference, Jim.
But my mind is made up, And I’ll never let you in again.
For the slow fade of love.
It might hit you from below.
It’s your gradual descent into a life you never meant.
It’s the slow fade of love.”
It’s the slow fade of love.
It’s the slow fade of love.
It’s the slow fade of love.
Baby, It’s the slow fade of love.
If I have to go Tom Waits
And if I have to go
Will you remember me?
Will you find someone else
While I’m away?
There’s nothing for me, in this world full of strangers
It’s all someone else’s idea
I don’t belong here, and you can’t go with me
You’ll only slow me down
Until I send for you
Don’t wear your hair that way
If you cannot be true
I’ll understand
Tell all the others, you’ll hold in your arms
That I said I’d come back for you
I’ll leave my jacket to keep you warm
That’s all that I can do
And if I have to go
Will you remember me?
Will you find someone else
While I’m away?
“When you stop laughing is when the trouble starts”
- Old Buddhist saying
A new reader!