I should be the real “jeopardy james”

I know every time my phone rings that it is Alex Trebek calling to tell me I’ve been picked to appear on Jeopardy.  Finally.  I will know it’s him because the area code will be from Saskatchewan  or Moose Jaw or some such Native Canadian name. Despite my frustration at being made to wait, I know I will answer politely – but coolly. He will hear me say:

“Oh, hello Alec. Oh sorry, Alex .  What, I killed the Jeopardy test? Yes, it was just me, not a group of PHDs and trivia experts. Wait, the first to ever get extra credit on the test? What, you want me to come to LA to appear on the show? Well, I’m pretty busy right now, but I can probably make it work. No, a hotel is fine, I don’t need to stay with you and Jean.”

I’ve taken the Jeopardy test twice now, and the second time went better than the first – a pretty low bar, unfortunately – but still no call. But I know there are other factors at work that are stopping my appearance. That’s why Jeopardy doesn’t reveal your score, so they can hide the “other factors”.

The test is hard, can’t deny that. Harder than a recent challenge question to reset my password: “Who was your mother in law’s date to Junior Prom?”

There are 30 questions in 30 categories, 15 seconds to answer each. No multiple choice. And I swear there was chuckling sound after some of the harder ones. Unfortunately, there is no break in the middle where the computer asks you about some random, yet amusing experience from your past (e.g. How does the parole system work in Georgia?). Then it ends and you’re left feeling spent. And used.

But I know I’d be the perfect contestant, so there has to be something blocking me. I don’t believe I’m anti-Canadian, but who doesn’t love a good Canadian joke or two: How did the Mounted Canadian Policeman look? Startled.  Why did the Canadian cross the road? To get to the Poutine. What did the Canadian feed his horse?  Eh. The last one kills in Quebec. Go figure.

 And I have nothing against the NHL  – apparently there are even American teams now, and I just scored great tickets from a scalper to a Thrashers game (True Blue! Jim Craig rules!).

And the Grey Cup is really cool – and Canadian sports names are even cooler: Rough Riders, Bombers, Rough Riders (yes, there are two), Socialized Medicines.

And I’ve never said anything bad about Alec’s changing hair styles, or porn mustache, but I know there is something standing in the way of me being the “Real Jeopardy James”. Don’t know what they saw in the other guy. Other than he knew the question to every damn answer.

I  know the call is coming…