Eight years ago today, I went to hike the AT. Three days later, I stopped.
This is a reprint of that experience, by semi-popular request, Summer reruns… (shakes fist angrily!)
Originally published in “Nephrology Unchained”, the August, 1950 swimsuit edition
I’m not really an outdoorsman, but I’ve always wanted to be one with nature, so I bought an ax, beef jerky and a Maine-English phrase book, and went to hike the Appalachian Trail (or the AT, as we hikers call it).
A good friend had been hiking it in 3 week ‘sections’ (or sectioning as we hikers call it), and I was joining for his final 100 miles, culminating at Mount Katahdin.
The final stretch in Maine is the “100 mile wilderness” – a sign at the entrance says “Relinquish all hope, ye who enter here”, which once was a joke about marriage – but the promise of cocktails at the end was too tempting, so I eagerly joined. 4 of us were hiking together, going ‘mano a Maine’.
I imagined smooth trails where we would link arms and “ease on down the road”, like in the “Hike Maine” brochure, but the trail was basically tree roots and rock faces, making one wonder why we hikers call it a trail, and whether cash strapped Maine had sold the actual trail to the Chinese.
I fell early and often. Passing hiker’s mouths fell open and they’d ask “What happened to him?” but one was prior to my first fall, so it might have been my haircut. My trail name was “Contusion”, and I made a decent amount of money charging hikersby to see the more spectacular bruises. Oddly, one of them formed a map of the AT.
Trail names are a hiking tradition; you can’t choose your name, it must be ‘given’. My name shifted daily, from “Contusion”, to “This was a bad idea” to “Can I have your baseball cards if you don’t make it?”
By lunch day one I knew I wasn’t a hiker, but the lure of cocktails at the end remained powerful, so I soldiered on. By lunch day 2 we decided to get me back to the start, as I had eaten all the beef jerky. The member of our party with a Maine ax permit was my escort.
The return trip knocked years off Purgatory. I chanted “I do believe in spooks” incessantly, but to no avail. On the plus side, the Winged Monkeys never appeared.
There are a number of foods which I gagged down during the slog; I may never eat Northern Italian cuisine again.
Back at the beginning, I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t yodel. At the Eastern Maine Medical Center (or EMMC as we kidney patients call it), I learned I’d suffered kidney failure – a perfect medical storm of extreme dehydration, excessive ibuprofen and creepy banjo music.
A few rounds of dialysis fixed it and I was sent home. The staff was great, and presented me a 10% discount coupon for my next visit.
EMMC is a teaching hospital that involves the surrounding community. They have a Maine Black Bear nursing program, where bears are taught basic nursing training. One of them removed my catheter, which was a memory maker. Needless to say, we’ve kept in touch.
After a few weeks my kidney function returned to normal. A lot of my other organs ain’t what they used to be, but that might just be age and lack of use.
Hiking is off my bucket list. But the experience ended happily on two fronts:
Our litigation succeeded. I sued Maine, Arthur Treacher, and the estate of Daniel Boone, founder of the AT, and was awarded a year’s supply of maple syrup body wash.
My screenplay based upon this experience, the “Death of Hope”, has been optioned by Sony Pictures. I will be played by the exhumed remains of Bing Crosby, while Gentle Ben’s grandson will play the nurse trainee.
What did I learn? Besides ‘to never hike again’, I learned that to be truly safe, only trust sports that can be paired with beer: Grilling, motocross, and bowling.
But after reading about a bowler who nearly lost his hand in the ball return, who knows.
I guess My Captor is right – the only truly safe activity is sitting on the couch. But I can’t get used to wearing a helmet…
For 114 more posts like this –each with an Arthur Treacher’s Kids Meal – go to beersatthenifty.com
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
Proud Mary Victoria Williams Great cover by Pearl Jam as well
She lived on a curve in the road
In an old tar-paper shack
On the south side of the town
On the wrong side of the tracks
Sometimes on the way into town we’d say
“Mama, can we stop and give her a ride?”
Sometimes we did as she shook her head
And her hands flew from her side
Wild eyed, crazy Mary
Down along the road, past the Parson’s place
The old blue car we used to race
Little country store with a sign tacked to the side
Said, “No L O I T E R I N G allowed”
Underneath that sign always congregated quite a crowd
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
One night thunder cracked mercy backed outside her windowsill
Dreamed I was flying high above the trees, over the hills
Looked down into the house of Mary
Bare bulb blown, newspaper-covered walls
And Mary rising up above it all
Next morning on the way into town
We saw some skid marks, and followed them around
Over the curve, through the fields
Into the house of Mary
That what you fear the most
Could meet you halfway
That what you fear the most
Could meet you halfway
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Around, around, around, around
Where she stops no, no, nobody knows
No, nobody knows, nobody knows
Nobody knows, no, nobody knows
Old Folks Boogie Little Feat
Off our rockers, actin’ crazy
With the right medication we won’t be lazy
Doin’ the old folks boogie
Down on the farm
Wheelchairs, they was locked arm in arm
Paired off pacemakers with matchin’ alarms
Gives us jus’ one more chance
To spin one more yarn
And you know that you’re over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can’t fill
Doin’ the old folks boogie
And boogie we will
‘Cause to us the thought’s as good as a thrill
Back at the home,
No time is your own,
Facillities there, they’re all out on loan
The bank forclose, and your bankruptcy shows
And your credit creeps to an all-time low
So you know, that you’re over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can’t fill
Try and get a rise from an atrophied muscle,
And the nerves in your thigh just quivers and fizzles
So you know, that you’re over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can’t fill
Fallin’ and Flyin’ Jeff Bridges
I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go
Seein’ who I shouldn’t see
Doin’ what I shouldn’t do
And bein’ who I shouldn’t be
A little voice told me it’s all wrong
Another voice told me it’s alright
I used to think that I was strong
But lately I just lost the fight
Funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
For a little while
Funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
For a little while
I got tired of bein’ good
Started missing that old feeling free
Stop actin’ like I thought I should
And went on back to bein’ me
I never meant to hurt no one
I just had to have my way
If there is such a thing as too much fun
This must be the price you pay
You never see it comin’ till it’s gone
It all happens for a reason
Even when it’s wrong
Especially when it’s wrong
Funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
For a little while
Funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
For a little while
Say I had a lovely time Miracle Legion
You and your groovy friends are welcome anytime
Just bring a T-shirt and swim trunks
You can stay as long as you like
Cuz we’re well-rested and tested and the keys are on the counter
And we can speak a hundred tongues
But where you’re from it doesn’t really matter
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Well they’re requesting the honor of your presence at the hotel
It’s just a handwritten sign, I hope you don’t mind
Cuz we’re well-rested and tested and the keys are on the counter
And we can speak a hundred tongues
But where you’re from it doesn’t really matter
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
She might be twelve
But she could be thirteen
She knows the way to hell
Because she’s already been
Brought us a six of Coca-Cola
As a sinner you’re a winner, you’re a natural
Cuz we’re well-rested and tested and the keys are on the counter
And we can speak a honey tongue
But where you’re from it doesn’t really matter
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Well a-just as a-just as long
Just as long as you say “I had a lovely time”
Any Open Door Travis Morrison Late of Dismemberment Plan, now a graphic designer, I fear
Come pick me up, i gotta get outta here
They say they’re my family
Man, i don’t know
They cannot tell trapped from sticking together
Any open door looks good to me now
Get in that car – yeah, im losing my mind dear
‘cos they think nothing through, no they only react
My headache is worse but my bags are all packed now
Any open door looks good to me now
And there’s a time to keep it cool, oh yeah
And there’s a time to reconcile yourself
With playing someone’s fool, yeah
So come pick me up, dude i need some perspective
‘cos there’s only one truth and that’s no truth at all
The planet gets big and your world becomes so small
Any open door looks good to me now
Just drop me off, yeah right here by the roadside
It’s a nice night to walk and i could be alone
Alone with my thoughts, alone with my cell phone
Any open door looks good to me now
Land Ho! The Doors
Grandma loved a sailor
Who sailed the frozen sea
Grandpa was a whaler
And he took me on his knee
He said, son, I’m going crazy
From livin’ on the land
Got to find my shipmates
And walk on foreign sands
This old man was graceful
With silver in his smile
He smoked a briar pipe and
He walked four country miles
Singing songs of shady sisters
And old time liberty
Songs of love and songs of death
And songs to set men free
Yea!
I’ve got three ships and sixteen men
A course for ports unread
I’ll stand at mast, let north winds blow
‘Till half of us are dead
Land ho!
Well, if I get my hands on a dollar bill
Gonna buy a bottle and drink my fill
If I get my hands on a number five
Gonna skin that little girl alive
If I get my hand on a number two
Come back home and marry you
Marry you
Marry you, alright!
Ey, land ho!
Ey, land ho!
Well, if I get back home and I feel alright
You know, babe, I’m gonna love you tonight
Love you right
Love you right
Ey, land ho!
Ey, land ho!
Ey, land ho!