I DO! IDO! I DO!

When I began to write this, weddings were back on! Now, I’m not so sure.

When I began to write this, we had 9 weddings on our calendar, spanning from mid-August to mid-March. Now I’m not so sure.

Adding to the 9 is our plan for my Captor and I to renew our wedding vows, this time with a Priest instead of an Elvis imitator.

Who knows how the virus – and the Government – will impact the future.

I read today that allowing parent choice on child mask wearing is a civil rights violation. Apparently, so is dancing, which is why it was banned at DC weddings last year. I’m waiting for the CDC to weigh in on whether a toaster is an appropriate wedding gift.

Our first wedding was in Memphis, and it was a blast. Very lovely, and Elvis themed: From the sequined jumpsuit in our welcome bag, to the food and music, and the recreation of his death by peanut butter and banana overdose.

But it made me consider wedding rituals – don’t know what was up with the Bride, but at least 11 people volunteered to “give her away” – and how they vary throughout the world.

It begins with “save the date” cards, which are much more involved than in the old days, when the soon-to-be Bride’s father would arrive at the soon-to-be Groom’s house with his shotgun.

Next are the invitations, which are hints to how the parents are getting along: Are both couples mentioned, is one in all Caps, a hyperlink to a criminal past?

Then the wedding itself – which now can be officiated by anything or anyone.  We’ve seen beach weddings officiated by driftwood, the couple’s yellow lab barking the vows, and the Bride’s weird uncle exchanging the vows via charades.

The Memphis wedding was old school, actually featuring a Minister, who urged the couple to “Always strive to out serve one another”.  

And receptions have their own rituals…

In Wisconsin, the Kielbasa dance is a time honored tradition, but recent Rapper weddings have turned it from a thing of beauty to a 21 and over event.

In Portland, mostly peaceful receptions feature the burning of the Church to protest the “misogynist  oppression that is Marriage”.

And California has its own version of the Hokey Pokey: “You put your left foot in, You rent a moving van, You put your whole body out, And get the hell out of town”.

Other countries have their quirks too.

In Canada, it was standard for a Moose to be a featured guest at the reception. That ended after the Moose repeatedly hooked up with the Bridesmaids, and on at least one occasion eloped  with the Bride.

While recently phased out, the “Poland dance” was very popular at German weddings, which was a Polka that culminated in the blitzkrieging of the female wedding guests. 

Wedding programs have been a great addition, where we learn the names of the bridal party and their connection to the happy couple. But learning about their favorite foods, dog v. cat, and how they will make a better world through their bridal party inclusion is TMI.

And I know it is a blessed day, you are grateful, and it is appropriate to thank your parents, the old boyfriend who dumped you so you could marry the Groom on the rebound, and the credit union that lent the money to pay for the wedding, but thanking the American Foreign Press is a bit much. 

All things considered, weddings are an incredibly special ritual, and a true celebration of love. As I said in my daughter’s wedding toast:

“Today you are the luckiest people on earth. Remember that feeling every day of your lives together”. 

For 62 more posts like this – many with the typos corrected – go to beersatthenifty.com

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Wedding Cake From an old prison work song

“It’s a beautiful good luck tradition,

Cutting it together represents the first shared task as a married couple,

Slicing down to the bottom symbolizes the depth of their love,

And feeding it to each other signifies the commitment to nurture and provide”

Us  Regina Spektor

“They made a statue of us, And then put it on a mountain top,
Now tourists come and stare at us, Blow bubbles with their gum,
Take photographs of fun, have fun

They’ll name a city after us, And later say it’s all our fault
Then they’ll give us a talking to, ‘Cause they’ve got years of experience”

I will follow you into the dark  Death Cab for Cutie

“Love of mine, Someday you will die,
But I’ll be close behind, I’ll follow you into the dark

No blinding light, Or tunnels, to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight, Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark”

First day of my life  Bright Eyes

“This is the first day of my life, Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They’re spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw, I think I was blind before I met you
And I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home”

When Your mind’s made Up Glen Hansard (From the movie Once, well worth checking out)

So, if you want something, And you call, call
Then I’ll come running
To fight and I’ll be at your door
When there’s nothing worth running for

When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it

Wedding Song  Bob Dylan

“I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love,
I love you more than money and more than the stars above,
Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea,
Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me.

Ever since you walked right in, the circle’s been complete,
I’ve said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street,
To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun,
I love you more than ever and I haven’t yet begun.

You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live,
When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give,
Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole,
Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul.

You gave me babies one, two, three, what is more, you saved my life,
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth, your love cuts like a knife,
My thoughts of you don’t ever rest, they’d kill me if I lie,
I’d sacrifice the world for you and watch my senses die.

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth,
We’ll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth,
What’s lost is lost, we can’t regain what went down in the flood,
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood.

It’s never been my duty to remake the world at large,
Nor is it my intention to sound a battle charge,
‘Cause I love you more than all of that with a love that doesn’t bend,
And if there is eternity I’d love you there again.

Oh, can’t you see that you were born to stand by my side
And I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride,
You’re the other half of what I am, you’re the missing piece
And I love you more than ever with that love that doesn’t cease.

You turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see,
Just bein’ next to you is a natural thing for me
And I could never let you go, no matter what goes on,
‘Cause I love you more than ever now that the past is gone”