I was promised that with age comes wisdom.

Nobody bothered to mention that with age also comes pain: Stuff hurts!

As Gandhi said, “If you live long enough, every indignity will be visited upon you”.

But he also picked the Eagles to win the Super Bowl, so take that with a grain of curry.

I was reminded of that on my morning beach walk, my hip screaming to be noticed, drowning out my ankle and foot – like bratty children, misbehaving to get attention.

The good news: The pains aren’t that severe, and can be “offered up” to become a ‘better man’.

The bad news: They arrive without warning, or cause – but eventually disappear. Much like an idea for this post, which would have been more interesting.

The other bad news: A whole bunch of stuff doesn’t work the way it used to, even stuff I didn’t how to use correctly to begin with.

Which makes for great ‘Organ Recitals’ with friends you haven’t seen for a while.

We learn life is a series of trade-offs:

Marriage, exchanging personal freedoms for the occasional home cooked meal, and someone to solve problems I didn’t even know I had.

Raising children, My Captor insisting on raising them Catholic, overruling my vote for Portuguese. But I still prefer Paella to Original Sin.

As a teen, taking that plea deal, giving up my dream of making Eagle Scout.

And having children, which finally worked out when they delivered grandchildren.

But being totally honest – I tried being totally transparent, but got badly sunburned – maybe a variation of ‘wisdom’ is arriving, given that retired guys have time to ‘wisely wisdom’:

Best time to leave the island to avoid Atlanta traffic, and never make a left turn on the roundabout!

Explaining tide patterns to random beach goers, helping them properly place their chairs.

Did you know reverse mortgages are carcinogenic?

I have wisely mastered ‘True, not interesting’.

As well as mis/disinformation.

As Gandhi also posited: “If no one is listening, is it really a lie?”

My favorite is offering to Google the answer to a question, and providing the ‘answer’ – friends now believing the Pittsburgh Steelers won the War of 1812, Mata Hari was FDR’s first wife, and Covid was caused by a lab leak.

That last thing got me banned from Twitter. And Chinese restaurants.  

But age also brings eccentricity, and the ability to frighten strangers.

Which I’m working hard at.

I’ve nicknamed myself “Ol’ Red”, truly confusing people: What’s he embarrassed about now? A ‘50’s Communist? Are there red hairs on his back? And please God, don’t show us!

My strangest behavior excused by “That’s just Ol’ Red bein’ Ol’ Red”.

Eyebrows are a great way to freak people out.  

Mine haven’t been trimmed since the Eisenhower administration, and I’ve won several ‘Andy Rooney look-alike contests’.

The left one I can twist into Mount Rushmore, the right into my favorite Gandhi sayings.

And I can only imagine how much fun I could have with a glass eye or false teeth…

I tried hearing aids, My Captor in charge of the settings: Restaurant, Quiet Conversation, OldManRant (mute), and Dumb Ass husband. But I returned them once I could hear what people were saying about me.

So, if you’re currently an ‘Old Guy’, good times ahead- hopefully you’ll be able to remember them all.

And if you’re not, you’ve got a lot to look forward to – like the weird noise you’ll make when you sit down.    

And yes, wisdom comes with age.

But it’s mostly learning about all the things you can no longer do…. Shakes fist angrily!

For 171 more posts like this –each with a wish for an international ban on restless leg syndrome – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or, at the site, leave a comment on this post, and then check the box that says “Please notify me of future posts” and you will be sent the newest Sunday update automatically.  

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Or just forward this to everyone you know. Forward it to those you aren’t fond of twice.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

This week’s music research wandered from ‘Ol Red by George Jones and Blake Shelton, to Rockin’ Chair by Hoagy Carmichael, featuring Bix Beiderbecke on cornet. Providing the opportunity to let you know I’ve been to the Bix Beiderbecke statue in Janesville, WI – also the home of Paul Ryan. And that a cornet is a cousin of the trumpet and the flugelhorn, providing a warmer sound than either, due to a continuously conical bore – sort of like my Uncle Ralph.

Good times. But I’ll leave with a couple of suggestions and words of wisdom: I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie, a great song about true love, and Rockin’ Chair by Jerry Garcia and David Grisman. The Garcia/Grisman collaborations are excellent and worth several listens.

Before the words of wisdom, the ‘Ol Red section above makes me laugh every time I think of it. I really do crack myself up. You may have been puzzled by it.

Finally, as Jim Morrison famously sang in Land Ho: “Well I woke up this morning and had myself a beer, The future’s uncertain and the end is always near”.

4 comments

  1. Love the «  organ recital ». Why is it that we love to share our most recent physical misadventures and even try to one up. « You think that’s bad, they replaced my heart valves with monkey parts. Now I keep reaching for
    bananas « . Another one of the joys of getting older is misplacing /losing stuff. «  you think that’s bad , I forgot where I put my car keys and finally found them in the freezer….Beside the frozen bananas. »

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