HAPPY NEW YEAR, EEYORE!

Our old friend Eeyore doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions (NYR). He knows their futility and figures “Why bother?”

But that doesn’t stop the rest of us…

New Year’s Resolutions are fun to conceive, but hard to live with.

Sort of like children.

But the issue with New Year’s Resolutions (NYR )is they lack an achievable plan.

We write down resolutions: Lose 40 pounds, learn a foreign language, convert the rest of the world from the metric system. Good for us. The next step is a manageable plan.

For example, instead of just resolving to lose 40 pounds by July 1st, a realistic plan would guarantee success and a new you! So, set a goal to lose one pound in January, February, March, April, and May, and 35 in June. Boom, you’re there.

Most lists start with Dry January, which I have to admit can’t come soon enough.

I think people are wondering about my weight, and while my “I’m gaining weight to play the old Jake LaMotta in a community playhouse production of Raging Bull” seems to satisfy them, it would be great to lose a few.

 And my Dry January is off to a pretty good start. I took my grandkids to the neighbor’s pool this morning and he made me have a beer, so I almost made it to noon. But that was less of a beer and more of a social connection, so it doesn’t really count.

On the way to a “Better You in ’22”, every month is an opportunity for self-improvement!

‘Dry Skin February’ is a great time to work on personal hygiene, particularly since the heat has been on for a month or so, and our feet could all use a good pumice rub.

‘Wet March’ capitalizes on all the great March social occasions like St. Patty’s Day, that guy at work you don’t know that well’s birthday, and the 21^st Anniversary of the start of the War in Afghanistan.  And one way to feel better about ourselves is to recover from a series of embarrassing incidents, and March is the month to set the bar LOW.   

‘Semi dry April’ will make your friends say “What was up with him in March? He’s so much more adult now!” And you definitely want to be clear headed when cheating on your taxes.

‘Baseball’s Back, May’ calls for ‘father-son time’ playing catch in the yard and celebrating the return of baseball after the bitter strike!

‘Patriotism June’ is all about Flag Day and our patriotic spirit. And it will be when the IRS letter arrives asking for an explanation of the miscellaneous deductions you claimed.

‘Bathing Suit July’ will be the inspiration for “Lose 40 pounds, part 2”, particularly after the neighborhood petition asking you not to wear a Speedo again.

‘Back to School August’ will be about committing to ‘being a better parent’, when we feel guilty (a little) about our relief the kids are back in school.

‘No Hope September’ will be the time to finally admit that “there’s no hope, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes throughout eternity”. That sound you hear is Eeyore laughing.

‘COVID wave 12 October’ will be about whatever this variant will be called, and will be highlighted by the legal fights over whatever ineffectual mitigation efforts our ‘leaders’ are ordering.

‘Christmas can’t come soon enough November’ will be highlighted by Democrats and Republicans claiming a “mandate from the people” regardless of how the mid-terms turn out.

‘Christmas can’t leave soon enough’ December will allow us to re-connect with family, and then wonder “When are they going to leave?’

It also starts the NYR ritual all over again.

But Eeyore knows how all this high minded self-improvement planning turns out.

Time to give in to your Inner Eeyore: Have a Bloody Mary, and begin working on your 2023 resolutions.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For 82 more posts like this –all of which come with a side of unfulfillability – go to beersatthenifty.com

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

I Wanna Be Sedated   Ramones

Bam-bam-baba, babam-ba-baba, I wanna be sedated
Bam-bam-baba, babam-ba-baba, I wanna be sedated
One-two-three-four, cretins want to hop some more

D-U-M-B
Everyone’s accusing me

Bam-bam-baba, babam-ba-baba
Bam-bam-baba, babam-ba-baba

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go, I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do, nowhere to go home, I wanna be sedated

Just, get me to the airport, put me on a plane, Hurry hurry, hurry, before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers, I can’t control my brain, Oh no, oh-oh oh-oh

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers, I can’t control my brain
Oh no, oh-oh oh-oh

Just put me in a wheelchair and get me to the show
Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go loco
I can’t control my fingers, I can’t control my toes
Oh no, oh-oh oh-oh

She’s a punk, a punk rocker, I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers, I can’t control my brain, Oh no, oh-oh oh-oh

D-U-M-B
D-U-M-B

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show
Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go loco
I can’t control my fingers, I can’t control my toes
Oh no, oh-oh oh-oh

One-two-three-four, cretins want to hop some more
One-two-three-four, cretins want to hop some more

Bam-bam-baba, babam-ba-baba
Bam-bam-baba, babam-ba-baba

Cruel to Be Kind  Nick Lowe

Oh I can’t take another heartache
Though you say you’re my friend, I’m at my wit’s end
You say your love is bonafide, but that don’t coincide
With the things that you do, And when I ask you to be nice, you say

You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it’s a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you, baby
(You’ve gotta be cruel)
You gotta be cruel to be kind

Well I do my best to understand dear, But you still mystify and I want to know why
I pick myself up off the ground, To have you knock me back down, again and again
And when I ask you to explain, you say

You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it’s a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you, baby
(You’ve gotta be cruel)
You gotta be cruel to be kind

Well I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify and I want to know why
I pick myself up off the ground
To have you knock me back down, again and again
And when I ask you to explain, you say

You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it’s a very good sign

Message to My Girl   Split Enz

I don’t want to say “I love you”, That would give away too much.
It’s hip to be detached and precious, The only thing you feel is vicious.

I don’t want to say “I want you”, Even though I want you so much.
It’s wrapped up in conversation,, It’s whispered in a hush.

Though I’m frightened by the word,
Think it’s time I made it heard.

No more empty self possession,  Visions swept under the mat.
It’s no New Years resolution,, It’s more than that.

Now I wake up happy, Warm in lovers embrace.
No one else can touch us, While we’re in this place.

So I’ll sing it to the world
This simple message to my girl.

No more empty self possession,
Visions swept under the mat.
It’s no New Years resolution,
It’s more than that.

Though I’m frightened by the word,
Think it’s time I made it heard.

Oh there’s nothing quite as real
As the touch of your sweet hands.
I can’t spend the rest of my life
Buried in the sand

Cocaine   JJ Cale

If you want to hang out, you’ve gotta take her out, cocaine
If you want to get down, get down on the ground, cocaine

She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie,Cocaine

If you got that lose, you want to kick them blues, cocaine
When your day is done, and you want to ride on cocaine

If your day is gone, and you want to ride on, cocaine
Don’t forget this fact, you can’t get it back, cocaine

She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie,
Cocaine

Good Time Charlie’s Got the Blues Danny O’ Keefe

Everybody’s goin’ away
Said they’re movin’ to LA
There’s not a soul I know around
Everybody’s leavin’ town
Some caught a freight, some caught a plane
Find the sunshine, leave the rain
They said this town’s a waste of time
I guess they’re right, it’s wastin’ mine
Some gotta win, some gotta lose
Good time Charlie’s got the blues
Good time Charlie’s got the blues
Ya know my heart keeps tellin’ me
“You’re not a kid at thirty-three”
“Ya play around, ya lose your wife”
“Ya play too long, you lose your life”
I got my pills to ease the pain
Can’t find a thing to ease the rain
I’d love to try and settle down
But everybody’s leavin’ town
Some gotta win, some gotta lose
Good time Charlie’s got the blues
Good time Charlie’s got the blues
Good time Charlie’s got the blues
(whistling to end)