Have a miserable Columbus Day!

Capturing the true spirit of this holiday, celebrating an explorer who turned out not to be who we thought he was.

Unfortunately, that might be the case for all our holidays. And everyone we’ve ever met.

But today is our day to ‘celebrate’ Christopher Columbus.

Who’s credited with ‘discovering’ the New World, which was sort of like ‘discovering’ a crowded restaurant.

But while exploring, he was apparently responsible for ‘enslavement and violent rule’ – oddly, my college major, the lab sessions quite interesting.

Also bringing multiple infectious diseases to the unsuspecting natives (much like a recent president with the summer intern community), that wiped out entire island populations, causing a bellhop shortage at Caribbean Island hotels.

And those are the things his parents bragged on him for.

But if you want to ‘guilt manage’ your day as you enjoy your undeserved federal holiday, and wonder why the mail hasn’t arrived, make the day about Columbus, OH. The capital of OH10.

And wear your “No longer named for – or celebrating – that Columbus guy” tee.

Or read “Goodbye, Columbus”, followed by the film, one of our family traditions.

And wear your ‘Philip Roth must have done something’ tee.

I may read like a broken record on rethinking holidays, but it’s a current craze.

Multiple holidays have been cancelled and/or canceled:

Broken Record Day:

Canceled, but replaced by Broken CD day in several states. A day when the media reminds of January 6th and ‘threats to Democracy’. And January 6th.

National STD day:

The Roaring ‘20s were fun, but produced some serious fever blisters and lip sores, and this holiday was a way for Americans to normalize their pustules.  But the parade floats were hard to look at, and Al Capone as the honoree…

Adolf Hitler Week:

Seems incredible now, but Mein Kampf was a smash hit on Broadway, the VW was uber-affordable, uber-popular – even FDR drove a VW – the bratwurst harvest was bountiful, and everyone wanted Hitler at their parties. Later undone by some mean tweets – and that ‘enslavement and violent rule’ thing.

And who would have guessed “conquering the world” would be seen as an incursion on safe spaces?   

Whatabout? day:

A day for everyone – and particularly politicians – to defend their bad behavior with “Yeah, but what about…?” Get ready for 14 months of “Your guy sucks worse than our guy!”

West of the Mississippi it’s “I know you are, but what am I?” day.

Even Good Friday was repurposed as Spring Holiday – briefly –   until we learned about the destruction of Spring tornado season. Now it’s called ‘Friday holiday in April, sometimes March’.

But we’re learning some unsettling things about April…

Once after being spanked and grounded for bad behavior – our family version of ‘enslavement and violent rule’ – my Mother reminded that “Everybody’s got something they’re ashamed of.”

“That’s why you shouldn’t ask questions at family reunions.”

Someday all our statues will be removed, no holidays celebrated, and we won’t admit to having met anyone.

But if Columbus arrived in modern times, he would check out world events and say “I’m home!”   

And become a fashion ‘influencer’ with those bitchin’ doublets.

Meanwhile, we’re repurposing Columbus Day as Indigenous People’s Day – East of the Mississippi “We were here first” Day –but I fear it won’t end well.

The honorees have hundreds of years of history to dig through, so next year we’ll celebrate “That Monday holiday in October”.

Me? I had planned to celebrate quietly and watch Amazon Prime.

Until I read their privacy policy and Jeff Bezos’ tweets…

For 189 more posts like this –each with a wish for a sanitized past – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Heroes  Jill Sobule    From the album Pink Pearl, which is lots of fun

Why are all our heroes so imperfect
Why do they always bring me down
Why are all our heroes so imperfect
The statue in the park has lost his crown

William Faulkner drunk and depressed
Dorothy Parker mean, drunk and depressed
And that guy in Seven Years in Tibet turned out to be a nazi
The founding fathers all had slaves, the explorers slaughtered the braves,
The Old Testament God can be so petty

Paul McCartney jealous of John, even more so now that he’s gone
Dylan was so mean to Donovan in that movie
Pablo Picasso cruel to his wives
My favorite poets took their own lives
Orson Welles peaked at 25, ballooned before our eyes
And he sold bad wine

Why are all our heroes so imperfect
Why do they always bring me down

Heard Babe Ruth was full of malice
Lewis Carroll I’m sure did Alice
Plato in the cave with those very young boys
T.S. Eliot hated Jews, FDR didn’t save the Jews
All the French joined the resistance after the war
Raymond Chandler drunk and depressed
Tennessee Williams drunk and depressed
I think I’ll just get drunk and depressed.